Just need to write this down

[Notreallycoping]

Sorry, I just feel the need to write it, as I haven't anyone to tell IRL. Please don't anyone get worried about me, I'll be fine but am having a very bad day. I don't want anyone to get concerned or call anyone or think the worst because I shan't do anything stupid but I just need to make a fuss about it all for a minute or I will break down. Sorry if it all sounds awfully dramatic.

My mum's gone away for the weekend and I'm ill, and the chemist hasn't got the medicine I've been prescribed which might well not work anyway, this is the fourth time I've taken it. I will probably end up going into hospital soon, I've never done this before and am worried about ds if I have to leave him.

I can't find the mental or physical energy to do anything with ds, I keep crying, he knows I am upset. I haven't slept for weeks because the baby keeps feeding all night and I think I'm getting too run down to get better. The Dr keeps saying look after yourself and get some rest but it's just impossible, I can't cook as I feel so awful and there isn't anyone here to help.

I started a thread yesterday under a different name because I've had to have an HIV test because the Dr can't work out why I'm still ill, and all I can think about is that maybe I have it and the baby also has it and I'll lose him. Although it isn't likely and I can't think how I'd have got it, still the thought of it is overwhelming.

I am so very scared. I just wish I could finish things now, because another night like last night or another day like today is just unbearable.

Where is the queue to say you give up? I can't do it any more.

[divedaisy]

Notreallycoping

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so terrible. Please be assured I do understand. This reply will be long - but please take the time to read it. I've tried to keep things simple for you. I hope I am of help and don't annoy or upset you. XX

What age is your DS? Are you breast feeding him? Have you been diagnosed with post natal depression?

There, all the questions are out of the way.

First thing to be sure of is that there are people out there to help you. The scary bit is trying to put into words what you are feeling. You must also be reassured that noone is going to take your son away from you. I too was terrified of this happening - that I'd be labelled a 'bad mum' who is not able to cope. But that never happened. Your DS loves you, needs you and you are the one to give him all he needs.

Maybe you are trying to do too much, to be too perfect. Try and think about what NEEDS to be done daily, what can WAIT, and what DOESN'T NEED to be done.
eg
NEEDS - food, clean clothes, rest. Sleep when you put your DS down. Have you tried to use a baby monitor that monitors the baby's heartbeat and breathing? I know I slept with one ear listening for every sound and I didn't get a good enough rest. My mum bought me a monitor and it 'listened' for me - and was more alert than I'd ever have been - it allowed me to get quality sleep that I needed.
WAIT - housework!!! The dusting & vacuuming can wait. Only wash clothes that are dirty. If your son is young an outfit may do him a few times before needing washed.
DOESN'T NEEDS - ironing everything - fold things up and minimise what you need to iron. Time consuming cooking - beans on toast; pasta with sauce.

If you are breast feeding you may NEED to introduce bottles. I can understand this may led you to feeling that you are losing the one special bond you have with your son, or that you must have failed because you 'can't do it' - these are the feelings I had when I had to stop it. But believe me although it was hard to get my head around it, it WAS the BEST thing for me to do. DS got a full tummy and there were others I could hand him to for feeding time. He will still be getting the nutrients he needs - plenty of babies are fed this way from birth.

I can't comment on the HIV tests, however, I do know and have experienced the debilitating fatigue - mental and physical that bad post natal depression can give you. Are you taking enough vitamins and minerals?

Lastly - talk to your Health Visitor or your GP again. Don't make out that all is OK - she probably sees what's happening anyway and is just waiting for you to say how crap you feel. You probably will be started on anti-depressants which will take a few weeks to start to work. If you don't know what to say write a few symptoms down on paper and give the list to them.

Copy this list out and hand it over - it's what you said in your post.

Crying all the time.
Break down at the slighest thing.
Can't see a way out of feeling like this.
Have no mental or physical strength.
Not sleeping at night.
Can't cook,
Scared.
Overwhelmed and unbearable.
I can't do it any more.

Take care of yourself, and don't do anything you know you'll regret. Deep down you know you want to get rid of the fuzzy feeling that is clouding your judgement, but at this moment you just can't shake it off.

Telephone your doctors emergency out of hours service. It may be Friday night, but if you had a broken bone in your arm you'd get the medical attention... go on Babe, ask for the help. xx BIG HUG xx

[divedaisy]

Let me know how you get on. xx

[Notreallycoping]

Thankyou for being so kind.

It was really nice of you to write such a long post. Am still struggling quite a lot today but am still here and will be Ok, just a bad few days.

Just wanted to say thanks x

[chunkychips]

I know from personal experience that with depression and anxiety there is a constant feeling of 'unwellness' with generalised symptoms. I've been to the doctor many times with a huge list of problems and he doesn't know where to start, they're all so vague and don't relate to each other. I agree with divedaisy that breast feeding might not be helping you, especially if you can't be bothered to cook or eat and it's exhausting at the best of times. Don't have much advice to offer, but hope you feel better very soon - didn't you have an HIV test when pregnant?

[Notreallycoping]

Thankyou - yes I thought I'd been tested then, and it was only ds's father I'd been with since my previous test so if he was Ok then there's no way I wouldn't be iyswim.

But I don't know for sure if he was/is.

I know, I feel rubbish in so many ways and a lot of it is probably stress but also I do have a major health problem which the Drs are trying to suss out at the moment, and it's getting me down a lot. I was quite happy a few months ago and then this all started and everything just seems to be awful now. I can't see a way out tbh.

It's stupid but when I see anything sad or anything about someone dying or leaving their child, I just lose the plot completely

I saw a boy today who looked about 11, he looked like I imagine ds will when he is older - that set me off again. The thought I might not be here to see him grow up is just horrifying.

[Notreallycoping]

I am bfing yes and have been told I should stop as it's not helping, but I tried not to feed him last night and he wailed for about 15 minutes before I just gave up and fed him.

He won't have a bottle, or dummy. He knows I'm not Ok I think and it freaks him out to lose the breast as well. I told the Dr that being up all night feeding and being up all night not feeding isn't much different.