My termination story

[justanotherstatistic]

I'm writing this for no other reason than to let out a secret that I've kept for 15 years.

I was 21, just started going out with the man of my dreams and also just started my first job since I left college. Everything was perfect. It was Christmas and I couldn't have been happier. On New Year's Eve my new bf (of 3 weeks) had a free house and we were staying there. He had no condoms but I assured him it was a safe time as it was only 4 days after my period. I suppose you don't realise just how devastating misinformation can be when you're first told it.

I was confused when day after day my period didn't come and finally, with a sick feeling, I did the test and the blue line sprang up. I sank to the toilet seat bawling when I saw it. Shit, shit, shit. I was living with my sister, bf was living at home. Mum had always been very anti pregnancy before marriage. Whenever she heard about someone who'd got pg she would tut and say what a disappointment it was to the parents and how the girl had ruined her life etc. I told bf. He went white and didn't really know what to say. He said it was my decision. He said that he didn't feel ready for a baby but still if that's what I wanted we would get through it. I phoned my sister and we cried together. I talked about the different options with her. Keep the baby. I could but it would be a huge struggle, I might lose my bf as we were still in the very early stages of our relationship. If I was on my own I didn't think I'd get a huge amount of support from my mum. Option 2 was adoption. I knew I wasn't emotionally ready for that. For some reason, that seemed an even worse option for me than a termination. I felt that having my baby adopted would be a lifetime emotional tie to my STUPID mistake.

Third option was a termination. I looked up what the baby would look like and what size it would be. It seemed like it was still just a group of cells. Not like a baby at all and of course it seemed like an easy way out.
Abortion isn't legal in this country but a law had just been passed allowing freedom of information on abortion clinics in the UK. I made an appointment with the Family Planning Clinic who gave me a very short counselling session and booked me in to a clinic in Liverpool. I was to ring the guest house next door and they would book me in for the 'package.' I phoned the guest house and they asked me to buy vodka and cigarettes. It's horrible to think now that people were making money from the black market through girls travelling over for abortions but at the time I felt so shit about what I was going to do that I didn?t question it.
Bf told his family we were staying with friends of mine and I told my family we were staying with friends of his. We were met by the guesthouse owners at the airport and I saw that the other girls also had their drink and cigarette quota. As we sat that evening having dinner it was a very subdued group. Many of the girls were crying. One family were begging the girl not to go through with it and were praying for her. She didn't in the end. She was one of the brave ones. We went like sheep to the doc to be checked and another session of counselling. The counselling consisted of 'Do you definitely want to do this? Yes? Ok, doctor will see you.' The doctor was extremely rough with us and very curt. Nearly all of us were crying afterwards.
So the following morning we went next door and were brought in one my one. Afterwards in the ward there was a different feeling. I feel guilty saying this but we were relieved. We felt terrible about having got into the situation and relieved to be out of it. I had been 6 weeks pg but I knew then that I would NEVER get myself into that situation again unless I planned it.
We went for a smoke break and got to meet some other girls who were in for the day clinic. I found this smoke break the most shocking of my life. We were talking about how we had got into the situation. The day clinic girls were almost boasting about how many abortions they'd had. One said it was her third because 'she just couldn?t remember to take the pill' It was the casual attitude that shocked me. I felt awful for being part of this group, that I was now one of them. One of the statistics.

In the weeks that followed I cried so many tears. I went over again and again in my head what I'd done. BF didn't want to talk about it. He couldn't bear the rehashing of every detail although he was supportive of my feelings. We got married 6 years later and went on to have 2 lovely dcs. We are still blissfully happy together. I don't think too much about my abortion now but every so often it comes into my head. Dd often talks about how much she'd love to have an older brother and of course I start wondering if somehow she's missing what could have been. It's also worse knowing that we aborted a baby that has the same genetic makeup as our dcs.

So that's my story. I wrote it not for sympathy or to be berated but just to have it out there and maybe that way I can let a little more of it go.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

You are very brave. I hope you have found some kind of peace about it all, but please don't be too hard on yourself. xx

[Buda]

Huge sympathies. I really hope that letting this all out will help you heal and move on a bit.

[belgo]

I've never experienced what you have been through, but I appreciate you posting your story, it gives a little insight into what women have to go through simply because we are women. You are very brave, and well done for finding happiness in your life.

[LouMacca]

You were not part of that group who used abortion as a contraception, you are not one of them. Please don't think that you were/are. You did the right thing for you at the time.

If you had been 'one of them' you would not be on here pouring your heart out.

As CWE said please don't be too hard on yourself. Sending ((hugs))

[justanotherstatistic]

I haven't cried for years about this but your kindness is making me cry. Thank you.

[Dragonbutter]

Thank you for sharing your story.
You're entitled to have a good cry.

[nickytwotimes]

Well done for telling your story.
I also haD a termination many years ago. I do not regret it but it wasn't somehting I'd ever want to go through again. There are a tiny amount of women who I have heard saying the same as the op about forgetting to take the pill, etc, but they are in teh minority. For most women it is a serious adn heartbreaking decision.

[electra]

Thanks for sharing your story. It is such a hard situation to be in, and I am currently pregnant in difficult circumstances and have turned the options over and over in my mind and no conclusion ever seems to be the right one.

Take care of yourself xx I do agree that it seems unfair that women have to carry the whole burden - we are the only ones who have to make, and live with the decision we come to - and there are repercussions whatever we decide.

[electra]

Thanks for sharing your story. It is such a hard situation to be in, and I am currently pregnant in difficult circumstances and have turned the options over and over in my mind and no conclusion ever seems to be the right one.

Take care of yourself xx I do agree that it seems unfair that women have to carry the whole burden - we are the only ones who have to make, and live with the decision we come to - and there are repercussions whatever we decide.

[fanjolina]

I hope that sharing your story helps you deal with this further. You made a brave well-thought out decision, please don't punish yourself for it.

I don't htink your DD saying she wishes she had an elder brother is linked in any way to your first pregnancy - I always used to say this to my mum too, as did lots of my friends. it's just something that girls want.

[justanotherstatistic]

Thankyou for all your messages, I really appreciate that you've taken the time to read and reply.
(( electra ))- I'll be thinking of you. Best of luck with whatever decision you make.