Can someone please help me make sense of everything?

[charchargabor]

I don't know where to start, as I'm not sure what I'm really feeling right now. I don't think I'm depressed but I definitely don't feel right.

I feel incompetent, like I'm not really cut out for this parenting lark. I feel I let DD down every day because I'm not enough and not what she deserves. I'm not patient enough and I don't think I do enough with her. She seems happy enough but she doesn't know any better. I used to put feeling like this down to being tired, but DD is sleeping a lot better now so it's obviously not that.

I have mentioned on another thread about feeling bad about the way I look. I am making efforts to change this, but still feel bad. I don't like going out as I feel like people are laughing at me. Rationally I know people aren't, but I can't help feeling like this. I just look like shit all the time and even if I make an effort I still look rubbish. I feel like I'm letting DD down as well by not keeping myself healthy.

Also, I found out that a service user I used to work with died from cancer in the early hours of this morning. He had suffered a lot so it was a blessed release for him, but I adored him and am really upset, as is DP who worked with him as well.

I don't know, I suppose this is just an outpouring of emotions. I just don't feel right in this world, like I'm not as good as everybody else and I can't function well enough. I don't think anyone else would think this about me but I do. DP is lovely and is very supportive, but I haven't discussed this with him as we've been too busy and he is stressed as well. Hope you don't mind me letting it all out here. Thanks if you got this far.

[lulumama]

if you are not clinically depressed, you are on the way there. you also have low self esteem which is part and parcel of being depressed, and you then feel worse becasue you feel you look bad.

you are being really hard on yourself, i am sure you are a wonderful mother and a person in your own right

i don;t feel 100 % cut out for being a parent either< i still have days where i am looking around wondering 'where is these children's mother? it can't be me, i am not grown up enough!'

am sorry for your loss too. that is always upsetting , no matter yuor own circumsances.

do you have any help & support?

[BigBadMousey]

Hmmmm...I could have written your first two paragraphs about myself and I do suffer from depression.

Do you feel better for putting it all down here? I think that is a big step and can actually help a lot.

Sounds like you have unrealistically high expectations of yourself - would you agree?

[charchargabor]

Thanks lulumama. Am crying now, this has totally crept up on me, I didn't realise I felt so awful. I just wrote it all down without thinking about it, and reading it back has upset me. I feel like such a failure now. I was under a psychiatrist until 36 weeks pregnant and was so proud of myself for not being like this anymore. I have tried so hard because I don't want DD to have a mum like this.

What kind of help and support do you mean? DP is great but I haven't discussed how I feel with him yet because I haven't really realised till now, and he is v stressed and upset over service user too. Was offered a Homestart type thing last week from leader of toddler group who I am quite friendly with but I would feel like a failure for accepting it. Pathetic but true. My mum lives abroad and we don't get on, and my dad is v busy. I have a few friends but they have their own problems.

Thanks for your help.

[charchargabor]

xpost, I do feel a bit better for writing it down, BBM. I don't think I'd put it all together in my head. I think I do have high expectations of myself, but everyone else I see seems to be able to manage it all so I don't understand why I can't.

[charchargabor]

bump

[BigBadMousey]

I'm still here - just dealing with baby DS...don't disappear if you want to chat. 2 mins max

[charchargabor]

Oh thanks BBM, sorry. I'll be around all evening as DP is on a night shift.

[BigBadMousey]

How old is your DD?

Thing is you ARE coping - your DD is happy so she must feel secure and loved and you must be taking care of all her needs. You're on here asking for help so you must care an awful lot.

I know what you mean about Homestart - I have been offered help too but can't help but feel I really should do better and cope on my own . That really isnt the point though is it - it should be looked at as a way of helping yourself get to the place you want to be and be the kind of mum you want to be to your DD (although I strongly suspect you are almost there anyway).

Sounds like you are a bit on your own atm. Me too - shame you are miles away or you could come and visit and I'd show you crappy parenting

[charchargabor]

She's nearly 14 months. She's wonderful, really happy and smart and funny, I just feel I'm not good enough for her. What happens when she realises I'm not this all-amazing person who can fix everything for her? I love her so much and I don't want to make her feel bad like that.

I think it was Homestart I was offered, the leader didn't actually say. She just said they could do home visits to talk about everything, which I think is the same thing? I know I should really just accept it, accept anything, but it's so hard to admit that I need it. So we're in the same boat in that respect!

I feel a bit lost tbh. I hate putting my shit on other people, but it seemed easier to write it here. Saying it out loud would scare me a bit. Sorry you are on your own too, I looked at your profile and we couldn't be much further away from each other if we tried!

I went to a family party today and thought I looked awful compared to everybody else. It was a 3 year old's party fgs, how pathetic is that! I was judged for giving DD a beaker of water instead of a carton of juice that she couldn't drink out of, the poor child was forcefed jelly sweets and nearly choked as she couldn't chew them. And you should have seen the faces when I let her eat food she had dropped on the grass. The child eats soil and leaves, fgs! So that probably hasn't helped made me feel better tbh.

Sorry for putting this on you, you probably don't need my shite right now.

[coochybottom]

It is good that she only drinks water and isnt an expert with chewy sweets. So what about the food on the grass. My son ate a snail and survived!I can remember my MIL giving me funny looks cos i fed my twins from the same dish. It was the easiest way and they share each others germs anyway!! Dont let other people make you feel bad[easy said, I know]

[BigBadMousey]

No honestly - it's really good to talk. I've had a crappy day too. I tried to take my three to the beach today and DD1 (who is usually an angel decided to run off) so I had DD1 heading towards the waves, rocks and rockpools, DD2 stranded on the rocks having suddenly realised she was surrounded by by seaweed (she has a phobia and we went to the beach as therapy) and DS in his pushchair. I had no choice but to run off after DD1 and drag her back. Since she tried to run off again I shouted a fair bit and said we were going home. That meant dragging by now screaming DS in his pushchair over the rocks while carrying tantrumming DD2 and DD1 at the same time. Two older women were watching me the whole time and commenting very loudly 'how could she leave the baby in the pushchair all alone like that - anything could have happened, fancy taking a big pushchair like that to the beach (it has big tyres so can cope with the sand)' etc etc. No one offered to help me they all just sat and stared - nice... I was so upset that people could be so horrible....and I hate looking upset in public.

Anyway....14 months is still early days tbh. It takes ages to adjust I think and so mauch changes when they are young you just don;t get a moment to feel like you are on top of things - as soon as you think you've got the hang of it they are off giving you new challenges... She is your DD, she adores you because you are her mum and tbh in her eyes you will likely always be able to fix things for her. As she gets older you might not be able to fix things but you will have a unique comforting ability that no one else could give her. I see you mention you don't get on with your Mum - neither do I. I think that puts a big strain on you because it makes you SO determined not to be like your mum was with you - what do you think?

[charchargabor]

Thanks coochybottom. I would even have minded her having them if she could but it's not fair to give her something she can't. Can't win can you? Either too lenient or too strict! Families eh? How can there be anything wrong with feeding twins from the same dish? They drool all over the same toys anyway!

[charchargabor]

That's horrible BBM, I hate it when you plan an outing and it all goes wrong. And it doesn't help when people decide to judge. How hard would it be to help? It's hard enough to raise children without an audience. I feel for you, and hope tomorrow is better.

You right about my mum, I do want to be different to her. She's coming home for good next month after living abroad for a few years, and I'm dreading it. She judges everything I do with DD and has no qualms about saying hurtful things but everything is sugar-coated in fake non-judgement. I know she'll drop us a few months later, but it's those few months where I'll struggle.

I hate feeling like this. I want to be strong and happy and confident. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

[coochybottom]

I remember being outside Boots when my twins were about 2.5yrs having a MEGA tantrum cos they couldnt get their own way. I was stood waiting for my husband and felt totally powerless. They were kicking off their shoes, rolling around on the floor and screaming etc. Passers by kept staring and some were laughing. Eventually I snapped and told one woman to stop staring. She responded by telling me I was mad! Eventually a really kind lady stopped, put her arm around me and said she could I was having a bad day.You dont get many people like that do you? My Mum has now sadly died but she wasnt the sort of Mum who gave me much support. I feel quite envious when I see other peoples Mums helping them out. I think it makes a big difference.

[BigBadMousey]

Yes I know what you mean. I'm sure the thought of your mother returning makes things worse (I know that sounds awful but from experience I'm guessing it is true). My mother phones me all the time and it causes so much trouble because I have to pretend all is OK when it really isn;t. I end up shouting at the DCs because I am repressing my shouting at her - makes me very with myself which, in turn, makes things worse ARGH!

Do you get days when you are feeling more confident? What were you seeing a psychiatrist for (feel free to keep that to yourself). I have been seeing one for years but they had a reshuffle and I ended up seeing a counsellor (not as much help at all - although she is very nice).

I think you're going to need extra support for when you have your mother to cope with too. You seem similar to me, don't want to bother friends and DH but need SOMEONE! Do you think you could discuss with your GP and get some professional help? What is your HV like?

[charchargabor]

Sorry had to feed DD. I know the feeling of holding it all in with your mum then letting it out on others. DP normally gets it, although I do get quite impatient with DD. My dad gets a lot of ranty calls too!

I tend to feel a bit more confident for a few hours every so often, when I'm in the house with DD or DD and DP. Then I have to go out and feel crap again, or get thinking about things and feel crap again. I was seeing the psychiatrist for a 'moderate depressive episode' at least that's what I said on my notes. Tbh I was very out of control and quite severely depressed imo, felt suicidal and selfharmed. Don't feel like that now so I think I'm not as bad as last time. Psych didn't help tbh as I didn't want to open up and it was very medicalised and not really conducive to talking things through. I think I need to go to GP tbh. My HV is nice but I had a period when DD was sleeping vvv badly and I was extremely tearful. She seems to have avoided me since then so don't know if there's any point in calling her.

It's all so annoying, isn't it? You just want to get on with it and be 'normal.'

[BigBadMousey]

That doesn't sound too moderate to me . My psych was very very helpful - I was very lucky indeed and I miss my time with him lots. What did he do to try and help? I've had two courses of CBT but after that he just saw me to help me out with general depression.

It is very likely your HV hasn't been avoiding you at all. Down here they get very busy and when they think things are resolved or you have some other form of help they tend to disappear off to help others. Would you feel comfortable calling her again? I'd definitely say it would be worth a try. Do you think counselling could help? - I guess that is what your GP would offer if you didn't find your psychiatrist sessions were helpful. I really think you need to get something in the pipeline now in case things get worse - you don't want to end up like you were before and have no help at hand, it's so hard to get help even when you are feeling not too bad IME.

I'm sure you will be normal. Anyway - what is normal??????

[BigBadMousey]

I have to take DS to bed but will check the thread when I next log on

[charchargabor]

No I was quite surprised at the moderate diagnosis too. They just sort of went through things like family history and asked how I was. There was a bit of a language barrier iykwim so it was difficult. Think I might ring the HV actually, I know I'm just being paranoid. Do need to get it sorted though before I get worse.

Thankyou for all of your support. I feel so much better being able to talk about this to someone.

[charchargabor]

Night night.

[charchargabor]

Well today has been a bit shitty so far. DD was tantrummy all morning, so decided to take her to the park. She fell on the way there and grazed her chin then banged her mouth on a bar in the park. She's asleep now though so hopefully the afternoon will be better. DP was supposed to finish at 5 today after starting work at 2 yesterday but now he has to work til 10 so feeling pretty lonely atm. Self-pitying rant over.

[BigBadMousey]

Hope the day got better for you. Mine was relatively crappy too with much tantruming from the DCs and DH . I escaped to Morrisons with DS to do the weekly shop - how on earth does it get that bad that a trip to the supermarket is like a holiday . DH is 'in training' (for want of a better expression) to learn to deal with the DCs better....

That diagnosis does sound dodgy to me (going on what you described). There is a Burns checklist here - excuse the awful website name! Might be worth doing a quick check now and seeing how you score (I just did mine and got a score which is good for me but I have been feeling not too bad for a while now .

I hope you do phone the HV and she is able to help - I think the more people you have on board to help the better. Depression is damn hard to beat on your own.

I'll be lurking around here (DS permitting) so if you fancy a rant feel free

[charchargabor]

Just going to post to clear my head. Afternoon went better than this morning, managed to get the dishes washed but the house is still a farking tip. It gets me down because I can never get on top of it. I'm worried about getting more depressed. Last time I was so agitated that all I could hear was screaming in my head. I really don't want that to happen again, now I've got DD to look after. I feel lost and like I'm going through the motions each day and it scares me a bit. Just want to be me again. And ... exhale.

[charchargabor]

xpost sorry you had a bad day. I often find that getting out helps to clear my head. I go to the shops down the road a lot! I scored 56/100 on that test which is quite scary. I think I scored higher last time though. Think I need to get some help Thanks for posting, sorry if I'm bothering you.

[BigBadMousey]

Nope you're not bothering me - going to read you post now but just thought I;d mention I'm still here