SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF THOSE LIVING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ILLNESSNESS - We're not alone!

[PurpleLostPrincess]

As promised, this is for the partners of those suffering with mental health illnesses of any description. I've found that just getting it off my chest has really helped and its so reassuring to know I'm not alone in all of this!

I'll start us off - my DH has suffered with mental health issues pretty much all his life. We grew up together so I was there when his Dad died of cancer, then his mum abandoned him a few months later (he was only 15). That explains the Post Traumatic Stress aspect of his illness. He also suffers with severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD and a few other things. I'm currently trying to get him CBT and reading a book on it too (not much available in our area on the NHS). He has tried working a few times but seems to end up having a breakdown and gets worse than he was to begin with. He seems to want to get better at the moment and is on Citalopram (2 weeks today). He has previously tried all the different ad's and used to have a problem with prescription drugs (so I keep them and hand them out like a nurse now!). He has a heavy dependency on the green stuff which is a big issue in our marriage. Apart from all of that, he is a sweet, loving, kind, thoughtful and fun husband and is my best friend! As I said, we grew up together but I ended up with the wrong man (long story) so we were apart for 8 years in which time I lived through an extremely difficult and abusive relationship. Two years after that ended, DH and I met again and married six months later. I have 2 DC's from my previous marriage that he loves as his own as well as a 1 year old whom we cherish as he wasn't meant to be able to have kids (and we had 2 m/c's before her). That's just a small summary of us - there's so much more to the story of course!

Sorry, as you can tell, I have a habit of rambling and waffling and I apologise in advance! I'm looking forward to chatting with others who are living under what feels like a big black cloud and maybe swapping tips on how to cope with the day to day ups and downs. If I disappear for a few days its just that I haven't been able to get to the computer, rest assured I will be back!

Love and hugs, PLP
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[unhappy]

Hi PLP, it sounds like you really do have a lot to deal with your H but at least you still sound like you love/like him. My dp has not be diagnosed with anything in particular he is just a angry control freak who makes our lives a misery. He is great about 85% of the time but the times when he is horrible just makes me spend my whole life waiting for the next blow up. He has had anger management (twice) first time round seem to do him some good - second time round didnt make a blind bit of difference. I know all the MN's on her just think the answer is to leave but I cant/wont leave - send love and good luck to all of your out there dealing with DIFFICULT MENFOLK XXX

[empressorchid]

Hi PLP thanks for starting this thread.

My DH has been in general decline since Feb and was finally admitted to hospital following two episodes of self harm. During the time between the 'slide' and the admission he was a horrible person to live with. He was quiet, uncommunicative, spent lots of time at work or in the pub, and DS and I saw little of him. The few times I tried to talk to him before admission he blamed everything on me - he did't know if he loved me, he thought our marriage was boring, he only had DS to save our marriage (I didn't realise it did need saving), didn't want any more kids even though we always said we'd have two, thought I didn;t love or support him and didn;t think I was even his friend. This hurt sooooo much .

He went into hospital voluntarily (or they would have sectioned him) and spent five weeks living 4 hours away from DS and myself. DS and I got on with our lives and with two pets, a job and a house to run I didn't have much time to think about what was going on.

DH came home a week ago, he's finally agreed to take ADs and is on Escitalopram, but his mod is still low. He's off work but will be returning part time on Monday.

We had a big talk after he got back and this is my main sticking point..... I can;t get past the hurt and anger I feel towards him for what he said to me. During our talk I outlined everything he said and how much he hurt me. DH can;t remember anything he said to me and this makes me feel even more angry, as if because he can't remember I'm expected to put it behind me and move on. I can't at the moment, will I ever be able to? I don't know...

So that's part of my story and where I am today. Not knowing if I can through the hurt and make us a family again. I feel like a b*h, but I'm also trying to protect myself emotionally and keep DS happy and free from troubles.

Keep your chins up. xx

[unhappy]

empress that sounds horrible I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your h it does sound like it was all his depressions saying those hurtful things - good luck x

[mou]

Have a thread going similar to this and so sad for everyone. especially relate to what eo said about not getting past the things he has said to me and the children. I too sat and told him some of the things he'd said and the scene that followed got ugly, There is schizophrenia in his family and i wonder about him. In such a dilemma, if it is because he is ill, weren't my vows 'in sickness and in health', but do i want a life like this? especially for the children. He is having a calm spell at the moment and i'm trying to get through to the man he was to improve things. And I have got him to stop drinking.

At the moment I am focussing on mending the damage that has been done to the children and i am scared to ask myself if we can move forward as a couple. there is a side to him I have grown to really dislike and I have changed so much. I am mourning the loss of the man that he was, but don't know if i have a future with the man that he has become.

Looking at it on another thread is scary, I don't want mine and the DC's future to be like this but the thought letting go breaks my heart.

I wish I could give you some advice but if I had any, I would take it myself. MN is helping me to cope and if PLP doesn't mind perhaps we could use this thread as a mutual suport line? if not, start another one.

crying a bit because whilst I wouldn't wish it on anyone, its a relief to know someone knows exactly
what it is like.

I have learnt to be a little bit selfish and make some time to do something just for myself everyday. it helps me cope and stops me feeling like i am drowning.

Big hugs to anyone in this situation and I am on and off MN all day so if you need support i'll check in.
Little steps, long road.....xxxxx

[mou]

sorry, didn't read title of thread properly, this IS a support thread.....oh god i want my brain back!

[empressorchid]

Mou, I know exactly how you feel. I too mourn the loss of old DH and am not sure if I can build a future for us as the person he has become. DS is only 3 so it hasn;t really affected him (I don' think anyway). He missed daddy while he was in hospital and became his shadow for a few days when he was back. DS seems to be settling back into the routine of having us both around.

I'm not. I managed perfectly well while DH was away (had a little blip at the beginning), managed two pets, DS, pt work and all the house stuff that needed doing. Didn't need/want/have time to think about my relationship with DH, although that's all he had on his mind. Wasn't til he got back from hospital that we talked about what had been said and how I felt unable to support him at the moment as I didn't want to open myself up to any more hurt. I've been through enough this last few months and as I said to DH I'm surprised I'm still here and not sure why. Still have times when I think it would be better for all of us if DS and I left.

I need to find time to be a little selfish I think. On the days when DS is at CM and I don't have any work I get some me time, and I'm out to dinner tonight with a friend!

I know where you are coming from when you say that you can't envisage a future together but can't see yourself leaving either. Such choices, especialy when LOs involved.

Keep your chin up, big hugs to all
xx

[Peachy]

ello

not much time now but can I join? happily married to dh who has severe depression and agoraphobia. suicide attempt a few years back and resulting period of nemploment lot us our house but thats ok, at least he got well. Has relapses regularly, heading back to work sunday (will beieve when I see, against gp advice) on prozac again.

We have 4 ds's- ds1 8 is sn and violent, seems depressed at times; ds2 nt 7; ds3 more severe sn, lttle speecg, 5; ds4 5 months.

[mou]

what is sn peachy? sorry for asking. my DS 10 has violent episodes (not surprised). seeing CAMHS for him.

[Peachy]

special needs- ds1 has diagnosed autism, ds3 is largely non verbal, suspected autism

[Peachy]

i know what people mean about old dh; sometimes I ask dh to think of things as ill dh & as old dh; he seems able to rationalise that

there is no way dh will be at work sunday; my dad has been taken ill which prevented dh dong something and it sparked a complete meltdown. I've given in and let him go (dad 60 miles away, wanted car) but am very annoyed and rather sad- but remembrering its always the same carnival week (he is obsessed) and he did the same when i was taken in with pre-eclampsia 9 years ago

[PurpleLostPrincess]

Wow, I'm almost in tears to know there really are other people out there who have an idea of what life is like with an ill dh...

Welcome peachy and unhappy and hiya to empressorchild

peachy, I totally understand what you mean about the hope of DH working or not - my DH didn't work for five years and I began to wonder if he ever would. The pressure of being the only earner in the house was immense and when he didn't run the house to a very clean standard it was almost too much to bear. Then 3 years ago, a family friend needed some help at work and the place of work was very remote with very few people. He gave it a go but struggled every single day. I thought life was finally starting to settle down and that things were sorting themselves out slowly but bang - one day he just walked out! It was then that I realised that he was having a breakdown, and a severe one at that (we've had many suicide attempts over the years so I lose count but I'm sure there was one around that time). So, we focussed on getting him better, tried some new ad's, he went to counselling etc etc and he gradually got better. Then the next year, despite saying he would never go back, they needed him (seasonal work) and he promised me he could do it without getting ill. He also had the pressure of me being pg at that point and seemed to be determined to be a 'proper man' as such. Well, when I had DD2, she was born with problems and it was all quite dramatic with hospitals and operations and all sorts. This triggered another breakdown but it wasn't as bad, maybe because DD2 is here!? Anyway, he worked there again this year and seemed to be coping really well but he only lasted a few weeks in the end. I've come to accept that he may never work again and I'm going back to work next year. I tried working full time when we first married but balancing that and 2DC's and DH made me physically ill all the time and I missed them growing up. Also, although he is a great Dad, the pressure of being the responsible one didn't help him. So, when I go back to work next year, I'll only go part time as I know thats all I'll be able to cope with. Its like having 4 children, he's like a teenager really. I can't hang around waiting for him to get better, I have to accept this is what he is like and make the best of it. Motivating him to do stuff around the house is sometimes really hard but other times he gets on with it. As long as he wants to do stuff I'm happy but I guess that's an arguement that all couples have isn't it?!?

There we go, I've got carried away again and rambled lol! Just so pleased to hear others know what its like really.

DH was meant to be doing my parents shed today but he hurt his hand so he'll do it next week - it's quite usual for things to get put off all the time!

[ChupitosGalore]

as someone who has had mild to desperate suicidal depression and associated mental health issues for a lot of my life (currently well)... id just like to say that you people who live with and love us, you are amazing and wonderful and deserve wonderful things. thank you

[empressorchid]

Chupitos - thanks for the Thanks. It's soooo hard sometimes not to walk out the door when things are bad.

Hi PLP . Welcome to Peachy.

Today I am very .

Some background: DS doesn;t sleep well, never has. He usually wakes about 2-3 times a night for a couple of minutes. Can't find dummy/teddy/just needs a hug. DH and I usually take it turns to get up with in the night and because he wakes at 0600 we also take it in turns to get up with him in the morning.

Last night was my first night out in ages. WEnt and had a lovely meal with a few glasses of wine with a friend. It was DH turn to get up overnight & this morning. Got home to find DH had drunk 6 bottles of Old Peculiar and was rather drunk. I went to bed and he came up about midnight. He didn;t hear DS over night so I got up with him twice. At 0600 DH got up with DS and I rolled over to enjoy my lie-in. DH comes back upstairs at 0800 and says that he's really sorry ot wake me but his head is killing him and he needs to go back to bed. I get up have a lovely morning watching TV and playing with DS. Put DS down for his nap about 1200. DH gets up at 1300 and says sorry - he was told that he couldn't drink as much as he's used to on ADs but managed to put away 8 bottles of OP in the end.

I am mad, mad, mad at him. For being a selfish pig and ruining my night out/lie-in; for being so irresponsible that he had to drink 8 bottles of beer whilst in charge of DS; and for being irresponsible to drink that much whilst on ADs. No sympathy for him today, whatever he has been through in the last couple of months. Really feel like chucking it all in and leaving. I sometimes ask myself why I'm still here... don;t know the answer at the moment.

Sorry to rant but I'm very angry

[mou]

So sorry eo. do you find when something happens like that frustration and repressed anger comes to the surface?
Hope you are feeling better today.

My H managed not to have a drink since tuesday and things quieter but i feel hollow and still walking on eggshells because I could say something today and pay for it in a weeks time. We talked a little and i tried to explain that to him diplomatically. Don't know how we got to this place. He is supposed to be seeing the doctor this week but we will see.

Know things are not quite as bad for me as some others but it is good to know others share the dilemma about staying or going.

[empressorchid]

Hi mou

my repressed anger and frustration comes to the surface, not sure about his!

Sorry you feel the way you do, it's so bloody hard to know what to say to them sometimes because you don't know what/when they will say something back. DH says that he doesn't actually hear what I say to him, just what he wants to hear - which is mostly in the negative. If I say or do anything all he can hear/see is the negative side. For example, before he went into hospital he complained to me that I never support him. So I listed all the things I do: walk the dog, look after DS, constantly scrabble around for work so we have more money to spend, do the shopping, clean the house etc etc etc. I then asked him what he heard and his reply was 'you think I can't cope with anything'. You can't win or that's what it feels like.

Every morning I wake up and wonder how willhe be today. It really is like looking after another child and on top of all the other 'normal' things going on in life it's more than I can cope with sometimes.

Rambling again, sorry

Hope today was good for you all. xx

[empressorchid]

mou - sorry forgot to say so glad your DH has given up the drink. Hope it lasts for you to get some good times going.

This depression stuff is very selfish. It makes the sufferer selfish (I find) and it makes the partners selfish - I keep forgetting to support evryone else. xx

[mou]

eo...thanks.

Crap day in the end. H in a strange mood. Asked me why I took recycling out of wrong door..front not back. little things not right. Then I asked him to take DD to a party so I could work (I work from home), also give DD a break because if he'd gone he dominates and she deserves a break. Could feel things sliding and then DS had a strop about taking a wet top off, behaving like a toddler. I've learnt to handle it mostly but could see H crumbling.

Evening ended badly. H wanted a drink but didn't when I asked him not too. Can't blame him for wanting one. DS went into a rage. I feel like a fucking idiot (sorry). Floating around being diplomatic, DD and DS crying H trying to keep things together but struggling ( at least he's trying ).

He is supposed to go to the doctors this week, but he denies it might be depression FFS!!!!! I know denial is common but he must realise something is not right. I'm in pain, due on and i've got a cold.

Don't know what else to say.......

[empressorchid]

Oh mou, so sorry you had a crap day yesterday. Hope things are better this morning. How old are your DCs? Are they affected by what's happening with DH. I hope DH goes to the docs, I know you can't suggest to him that he should (if he's anything like mine he'll go off on one). And don't worry about the language - I'm a nurse and I know a few choice phrases of my own!!!!

I obviously didn;t read your original post properly - I thought your DH had already been diagnosed with depression. It really sounds as if he does or do you think it might be an alcohol problem? Glad he's resisting the temptation, my DH still drinking even though on ADs. He's gone back to work today so god knows what he'll be like when he gets in... thankfully he's only going back part time (til 1200) at the momnet and today as soon as he finishes he's off to see his psych nurse. His Boss has told him in no uncertain terms that he is to leave work at 1200 and go home other wise he (the Boss) will break all of his (DH) fingers!! Thank god they can laugh about it. Wonder if he'll slip back to work whenno-ones watching? I know him he's a work freak. He thinks the place will fall down f he's not there to hold it up, plus he's been away from it for about 7 weeks now. Probably take him all of today just to clear his email inbox!

Anyway, hope today brings a bit of sunshine for you.

Take care all xx

[empressorchid]

Purple - not heard form you in a while. How's life in your neck of the woods?

xx

[LAUGHLOTS]

hello. how do you know if someone is depressed or just generally unhappy?

[PurpleLostPrincess]

Hello, sorry for not having been around - things are manic around here as usual! DH has had a very low week and when he's low its almost impossible to motivate him and I end up doing most of the running of the house! He's picking up a bit now so hopefully we've turned a corner, these ad's are so up and down to begin with - if I go out for a few hours, he's fine but then I can see he's been crying when I get back... Thing is, he relies heavily on the 'green stuff' and it really doesn't help and he won't accept that it also affects his mood... I've had two promises of him giving it up so far this week but I've heard it all before - we'll see!!!

mou - sorry I haven't said welcome yet, big hugs to you (and WELCOME of course!). Hope the doctors goes OK and that DH goes - I know how hard it can be to get them there. I see so many similarities in what you're saying so far in regards to addiction, in my DHs case its green rather than drink, not that either one is easier or harder . Hope the cold goes away soon xx

ChupitosGalore - thank you for your encouragement and glad to hear you're doing well at the moment, it gives us hope that it is possible!

Laughlots - I wish I could answer your question, I still struggle to know if I'm getting depressed or not (have been mildly in the past) and also I'm still figuring out DH. Hope you find some answers ((hugs))

EO - So sorry to hear you had such a nightmare with dh the other night, but still glad to hear you got out and had a bit of time to yourself to relax. We have a set-up here where we both get up with DD2 on weekdays (same time for everybody in the house) and then at weekends we take it in turns for a lie in e.g. me on the Saturday and him on the Sunday or vice versa. However, what with these ad's and his insomnia, he's been staying in bed quite often lately. Fair enough it hasn't been for long but I still feel resentment bulding up inside me, especially when I had to wait 3 weeks for my lie in during the summer holidays . Saying that, if I look back to 3 or 4 years ago, he rarely got out of bed before mid-day and that was when I was working so there's been some progress there. How did it go for DH at work today? Sounds like he has a good boss!

I too find that the smallest trigger can set off DH's repressed anger - it takes a day or two of him being a nightmare to live with for him to say what the trigger was and what's bothering him and once its out he generally feels better. I'm getting to know the triggers but sometimes they're totally new ones that take me by surprise! As far as my repressed anger/frustration, I vent it as much as possible as I go along so it doesn't get repressed, otherwise I'm like a shaken fizzy can just waiting to explode everywhere! It does mean that I sound like I'm nagging most of the time though but better out than in I guess!

[empressorchid]

Hi Purple, you sound very upbeat at the moment. Glad things are going reasonably smoothly for you, even if your DH soes have his down time.

Laughlots - I knew DH was depressed because he spoke in a very quiet voice, wasn't sleeping very well, blew up at the slightest little thing (eg DS not going for a nap) and was just generally bleh... not his usual self with a few added extras. I think if your just unhappy you can carry out basic tasks of daily life still but these become a real struggle if you're depressed. But that's my humble opinion. It may be different for others.

My DH doing my head in!! Depressed and the ADs seem to have made no difference, not sleeping again (in bed at 0315 this morning) and not talking to me again

Just going with the flow at the moment...

Hugs to you all xx

[simpson]

Can i join??

Sorry have not had a chance to read all of the thread will try to tomorrow I promise!!

DH had a breakdown in 2004 I was pg at the time but did not know it. He tried to harm himself and then went missing and I had to dial 999 for police to look for him. He was in a very bad way. It was very stressful and he ended up being sectioned in Ireland (where he is from - I am in England) as care over here pants.I was not married to him at the time and I was treated vvv badly. Ie family blamed me, would not let me speak to him etc.

Fast forward to now and its happened again. We have 2 small Dcs ages 3 and 7mths. I have left the house as he was starting to get violent. Am staying at my mum's with Dcs. My family are very supportive and I could not do this without them.

He has walked out of work today saying he can't cope. Am at the end of my tether and want to hear from other people in the same situation... cannot stop crying, sorry...

[piecesofeight]

Hi simpson - didn't want your post to go unanswered. I'm hitting the hay now, but just wanted to send a quick hug before bed. I feel for you - for all of you. I'll check back in with this thread in the next few days.

XP, who wants to reconcile, has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I can relate an awful lot to missing the "old" version of him, and feeling unsure if I can build a future with the person he's become over the past couple of years. And as others have said, with children involved, it's a very tough call.

I'm relieved to hear you're getting top-notch support at your mum's, simpson. Sleep well. Hugs to you all.

[PurpleLostPrincess]

Hi Simpson and piecesof8, just wanted to send you big hugs too. Sounds like you've both had a really tough time of it, feel free to vent on here and we'll all try to support each other. I for one, feel very isolated at times. My family are very supportive (and rl friends) but its so hard to explain how things are at home when sometimes its hard to understand myself! Thing is, its such a long process and I worry that its the same old story when they see me and ask how things are, they must be sick of hearing it . Whereas on here, I can talk and I know you ladies understand because even though our situations are all different, we're still going through similar things/emotions. The beauty of it is that we all cope in different ways and talking about how we cope (or not sometimes!) can help others, I hope anyway...

EO, how long as your dh been on the ad's and can you remember which ones they are? DH has tried pretty much all of them and I've found there's a 'wall' at around two weeks, then around 5 or 6 weeks if I remember correctly . DH went through the 2 week 'wall' last week and I'm dreading the next one but hopefully we can work through it. Because we're so close, its hard not to become his psychiatrist and analyse everything together - I have to keep a healthy distance but still be there for him to talk things through. I still get so so angry with him and the way he handles things but I'm learning slowly to redirect the anger at the illness rather than him. I do hope things start picking up for you soon, keep posting hun xxx

DH asked me today to make him a 'schedule' for the day - literally telling him when to wash and get dressed etc. as its not his strong point. He wants to only have the green stuff of an evening and I've been given the task of keeping it hidden from him until 9pm which according to him, will help him get things done in the daytime. I actually think it might help and I'm putting it together in the morning. Also, he wanted to go out today so we went to the local Tesco's - its one of his 'safe' places. I realised he hasn't been out of the house for about a month, apart from coming to my parents a couple of times (a very safe place for him). We grew up in the same street and my parents still live there so it really is home to him. He too stays up really late at night, or on the flip side, he'll go to bed at a decent time but wake up in the early hours and not be able to sleep. He's always been an insomniac but these ad's add to the problem. I picked up his repeat prescription for zoplicone today but he fell asleep before taking one tonight so maybe tomorrow... A good nights sleep really does make all the difference doesn't it!

simpson - my DH had a breakdown just when we found out I was pg with DD2. He was meant to start a job but drew out all our money and jumped on a train to London. I didn't even know until the evening when he was on his way home. He then spent the evening locked in the office with a bottle of JD, singing self-pity songs and threatening to kill himself (he's t-total normally). That was one of many times I was going to have him sectioned but somehow we got through it. I can't imagine what you're going through but I'm glad to hear your family are supportive. There's nothing wrong with crying, get it all out hun (((hugs))))

piecesof8, one of my close friends has bipolar disorder, isn't there a scale of numbers associated with what level it is or something? (sorry, she hasn't told me much about it). We thought DH had it at one point as he seems to have the 'classic' symptoms but the GP and mental health clinic have dismissed it. Although my friend has her bad patches, she manages really well and knows her limits etc and is a fab single mum. It must be so hard to be faced with the decision of reconcilation or not, I really feel for you. I love DH dearly but there are many times when I really could do without living with his illness and I hate what it does to him and us as a family. On the other hand, having been in an abusive marriage (before DH) for 8 years, I can honestly say that the good days make the bad days worthwhile. I look back over those 8 years and can truthfully only remember a handful of good days/times, how sad . When you look at the last couple of years with DH, can you remember the good days inbetween the bad ones and did they make it bearable? Sorry if I'm being blunt, I'm just thinking out loud - please don't be under any pressure to answer me, I wouldn't want to put anybody on the spot...

Well, I've waffled enough for tonight lol! Sorry to have rambled, I'm off to bed. I find that I relax when everybody is in bed but I do really need to start getting myself to bed earlier if I'm going to be of any use to the family - slapped wrists

Love to all, thinking of you all xxxxxxx