Not good enough

[SPARKLER1]

Have just been e-mailing dh at work. I have a bad back today and am laid up in bed. There are 1001 jobs to do around here and I feel like a bad wife/mother because I can't do any of it without being in agony. Kids have gone back to school after a week off and everything is upside down here. Going to grab some sleep as I was up twice with dd2 (3) and five times with dd1 (5) last night. Couldn't sleep with the pain either. I have suffered with depression for three years now and haven't been very motivated to do a lot anyway. Have just told dh that I am so lucky to have him and thanked him for being so understanding. He told me that he was the lucky one. I have no idea why - I can't keep things up together here and I don't work, I find it hard being patient with the kids sometimes, I find it hard to get intimate with dh too - although I love him to bits. He comes home from work and cooks dinner, goes shopping in the evenings if I haven't felt up to it. He's fab - I've no idea why he thinks he's lucky.

[jessicasmummy]

i have the same from my dh.... thinks im fantastic and he is the luckiest man alive, yet i do nothing! im at home with jess all day every day and still the house looks a shit tip.... im the one who has the husband come home every night, cook dinner, load and unload dishwasher, tidy jessicas stuff away and tend to her in the night.... how is he the lucky one?

[marthamoo]

You have a bad back and have been up 7 times in the night? Forget the housework and go to bed NOW! Accept that your dh loves you - amazingly enough there are some decent men out there who realise they are blessed to have us, even though we are not always easy to live with (my dh has stuck around through two bouts of PND, on and off for 8 years now, and still says he adores me - daft bugger). When you are better (physically and mentally) you can be the perfect Mum, cook fab meals, keep the house pristine and be a 3 times a night sex kitten - but, give yourself a break, not just now!

You would do this for your dh if the roles were reversed - you don't think you are deserving of it because you are struggling with your depression and it's impossible to feel positive.

Now I hope you are not there to read this but if you are go to bed!

[Lonelymum]

You are very lucky to have someone so kind and understanding in your life. I wish I could say the same.

Go to bed and rest yourself today. That way, at least the mess will get no worse!

[Frizbe]

and see if you can get to the osteopath....{{hugs}}

[SPARKLER1]

There is so much other stuff going on in my life right now - I'm not sure how to deal with it all. I feel drained.

[SPARKLER1]

I have to phone this afternoon to book a counselling appointment. Kept forgetting to do it last week and then when I did remember the woman was on holiday. I was told to call back today.

[Frizbe]

don't really know your story sparkler, but apart from the fact you should take peoples advice and rest for today! (Nag) have you tried making a list of everything thats bugging you, so you can start to look for ways to alter things? Just a thought?

[SPARKLER1]

Well had a short sleep. Not particularly feeling much better. But I'm sure it must have helped somehow. Just got a lot of worries at the moment Frizbe with one thing or another. Trying to sort out my long term depression, dealing with two kids is tiring and hard work, my step-dad is seriously ill and we nearly lost him before christmas, my dm isn't in very good health having had a stroke when she was 32! The list could go on and I think everything has taken it's toll and caught up with me.

[SPARKLER1]

Sorry seems like I'm always posting depressing threads.

[Lonelymum]

Join the club Sparkler! Thank God for Mumsnet eh otherwise where else would we let off steam?

[MarsLady]

Not always sparkler1. What about Rubyz? It was good to hear that you had such a fab night. I was so I was due to go out this weekend and everyone, incl me, was sick!

[SPARKLER1]

How are you now LM? I read your thread earlier but haven't really felt up to posting on many other threads today. to you.

[SPARKLER1]

Hi Marslady. I know I did have a fantastic night out but when I feel low I seem to blank out all the good thinks that have happened - and I'm sure there are plenty of them too.

[Lonelymum]

Don't ask Sparkler.

[MarsLady]

I know darling, but that's why we're here, to hear the sad bits but also to remind you of the bright bits.

I have to say, whenever I see your name it makes me smile. I like to think of you with sparkling wit, a huge grin and infectious laughter. Should any of this be slightly untrue I don't think I wish to know. I really like the image of you I have in my head. If there were a way that I could lift your spirits then I would. So tell yourself this one good thing. Someone (me) is thinking really good thoughts about you.

[lunavix]

Hey hun don't really know what to add except I know how you feel {{hugs}}

Had an apt with GP monday for my monthly AD renewal, told him I was having a lot of 'okay' days but just as many 'really down' days.
Apparently it's a sign of them working, he went into a big spiel about it (I have a bad concentration span and tend to phase out ) but he said he's really happy I still have miserable depressed days. ( )

Maybe you are in the same place... but with sorting your counselling and your back its understandable you are feeling low hun.

SO try not to get too down on yourself.

[SPARKLER1]

Oh shucks ML - you're making me . Thank you - you are very sweet and kind. I think I'm gonna blub - whenever anyones nice to me I blub!

[jodee]

Hi Sparkler, didn't know you had been feeling so down. Please don't be so tough on yourself, hon. Don't know the whole history but you've done well booking in for counselling. Take care xxx