not depressed, but feeling a little crappy about myself and in need of a little 'something', and to offload stuff about my mother and aunt......

[psychomum5]

have spent the day with my aunt today. she hasn;t been like she can be (which is to put me down and make me so damn angry I need to get drunk after), but I have still some away with a face (according to DH and the children), so she has clearly got to me more than I like.

she had a stroke about a week or so agao. only a small one, but still, a stroke. problem is, my family do not speak to me anymore (they haven;t since I annouced I was expecting DS2), and so no-one told me, until it was remembered that no-one would be about for my mother! (she is schizophrenic and I have issues with her.....please note the issues!).

anyhooooooooooooooooo........today aunty had to be taken to the hospital near to me for testing on her vision, and so I offered (altho I did not feel as tho I had too much choice, but still, she is family so I feel I should). I spoke to her a lot more today than I have in a long time. she was quite complementary about me and the children, which is nice as I feel very intimidated by her normaly, but she then bought up something that she had read by Bill Oddie (goodies fame). seems he too is a product of a violent schizophrenic mother, and a 'controling' mother figure (his gran in his case), altho he did in fact have a wonderful father, something I did not), and my aunt finally says she can understand what I have been trying to say about my mother for so long.

she finally understands, only because Bill Oddie wrote about his experiances

.

why did she not understand just from me???

oh, and she also commented that she finally see;s that I am quite normal to feel how I do.......[hm]

no aunty, a lot of how I feel is becuase you never let me feel as tho it was ok to feel angry..........not just becuase of my mum, also because of you!!!!

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sorry, a lot of you may not understand my garbledness.

thing is, I am also feeling rather careworn anyway. I am not sad about that (I am glad to be there for friends), but then, I need a lttle something and an outlet to vent too IYGWIM, so here I am.

plus, one this that scares me.........I read the extract of his book (published in the daily mail, aunty made me print it out for her, and so I read it). he notes about his breakdowns, and there is a small commment about how his doctor thinks he is surprised he did not breakdown lots growing up. i have terrors about me heading down that path too......it so scares me the thought of being like my mum, and reading it in print that it is likely (well, maybe not that wording, I think in my stu today I may be taking it wrong), scares me more.

help, and a big

[psychomum5]

thankyou.

hugs are what I need to be honest. just knowing that someone cares is great.

I know that no-one can really advise, thats the thing. no-one I know has been thro what I have with the mentally ill mum (altho they have other issues, I understand that), so it makes it hard to know how to rant and vent IYGWIM.

[psychomum5]

answering me is helpful.

I do need to rant and vent, lots, but then I start and just think 'meh, is it really worth all this energy?'.

I don;t know, I wish I could just not have to ever think about them and just concentrate on my DH and children and friends (the ones I have chosen to be in my life).

no, in fact, I wish I could have had a normal mum and then I would not have to moan atall, but even that is no guarantee is it??

and then I would not be me either......

argh, bloody woman!!!! (my aunt I mean)......

[psychomum5]

yes!!!

that is it.......I am confused and feeling off becuase of said confusion.

and you understand

thankyou. and you are right, it is not a nice feeling. I feel almost like banging my head against a brick wall, it would make more sense then maybe....

[psychomum5]

lol @ groundhog day.

yep, sums it up quite well. I get days like this every-so-often, so yup, I think I will liken me to that from now on!

it also has brought a smile to my face, which can;t be bad

[psychomum5]

thankyou for that
one thing tho, is your B a normal B for the email...????

[psychomum5]

thankyou, and yes, I was wondering, altho I had sensed a namechange..

[psychomum5]

yup, all back.

in some ways, fabulous, in other ways, .

I did like the lie-ins (my kiddies are great at breakfasting themselves now), but the peace to look forward too it going to be lovely.

would have been nice to have had some today in fact........bloody aunt.

oh, and the lunchboxes line..........that is not fun!!!

heyho.....................can start to count down to xmas now

[psychomum5]

ya know, today was the first time I can honestly say I was ready for DS2 to go to school.

it has take me a long time to reconcile myself with him being a school-boy and not my baby anymore. if I could have done, he would be only right now starting in reception, and yet he has just started yr2.

I did miss them all however, until they got in the car at pick-up time and started bickering.

[psychomum5]

just turned 6 in july.

thanks for tonight, much appreciated.

I have emailed BTW, am hoping it got thro..???

speak tomorrow.

[needsupport]

[Kewcumber]

not at the foothills of your family issues but I once (unsuccessfully) spoke to a hypnotherapist about my virtually non-existant relationship with my father. One of the things she asked me is what I would from him - it took me a while to decide... I wanted him to be the father I deserved and not the one I got! At point I realised therapy/counselling was pointless in my case becasue the turth is that there is nothing worng with me and all the therapy in the world on me isn't going to turn him into a decent father and rewrite the past 10 years.

Don't think thats helpful to you though!

[psychomum5]

aw, thanks NS.

hate feeling like this. hate it hate it hate it

[needsupport]

i wish i could take it away for you
sun moon and stars xxxxx

[psychomum5]

kew, more than you know......I also have lots of anger tied up with my dad........he abandoned me to my mum and aunt, and altho I never come here to say about him, I do have issues and also want a father to be my dad!!!!

you saying that knocks a nerve, and I can wish all I want but it won;t change it will it, so I need to try and stop fretting and be thankful for all I do have.

I never quite manage to stop caring tho!!!

heyho, tis good to offload and find kind respnonses

[cheeset]

My dad was horrible to me. I think the main thing for me was I felt un-lovable because of him. I believe my anger towards my dh comes from the injustice I felt at the time. This is coupled now though with a lot of love, I hope this balances our relationship out.

Family hu?