Its a bit complicated, but I have a bi-polar mother and my DH has banned me from taking my 12 week old to see her as she is a heavy smoker. I need advice !!

[georgie127]

Im new to all this but need some advice ! My mum has bi-polar nd has had all my life, which Im fine with. My DH had to go away for 8 wekes when my DD was 9 days old and my Mum came to stay. I couldn`t cope with the baby and she couldnt help me, so it ended with my MIL coming to pick me up and I went to stay with her for a week. So when my DD was 11 days old my Mum took an overdose as she felt I no longer needed her. She and her husband are both heavy smokers and now my dh has banned me from taking the baby (now 12 weeks old) to their flat even though they wont smoke when the baby is there.
Mum lives about 30 minutes from me and doesnt drive. She is also now convinced that my MIL gets more cuddles with the baby than she does. Because my MIL could help me more we stayed with her (about 1.5 hours away) every weekend for 8 weeks until my dh got home
Does anyone have any ideas how to handle this ? I feel I need to tell Mum why we cant go visit her, but am very scared how she will react. I think my dh is over-reacting, but he has no problem with Mum coming to visit us here
Help !

[jellyrolly]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. My father and his wife are both bipolar.

I am going to sound harsh and it's only IMO, but here goes, you have to look after yourself, your dd and your own relationship now. I love my father but he has his own life and mental health for which he is responsible. You are responsible for your own new family.

Try and ignore the emotional blackmail. It will happen whatever you do so do what makes you, your dd and your dh happy. In my experience, there was little to be gained from trying to explain things as you are dealing with someone who is fundamentally unreasonable.

I'm sure your mum loves you and her grandaughter very much and as you all get used to the new dynamics in your family you will forge the best, an most realistic, relationships that you can.