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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

not sure how to deal with this. dh suicidal.

41 replies

notdealingwiththiswell · 19/05/2008 20:09

Dh and I havent been seeing eye to eye for a while, and I have long suspected that he is depressed in some way. Things came to a head when he asked me to move out, saying that he didnt think we could work anymore. We have been together for 12 years, and when we work, we work well, but we had been arguing a lot.
I moved out, and stayed with a friend, on her sofa, with my 2 yr old ds. I had noticed that dh had been going further and further downhill, and was really worried about him, but was trying hard to be strong and move on even though this really wasnt what I wanted.
When dh and I met up last week, to talk things over, he told me that he couldnt stop thinking of killing himself. He had a noose and everything. So I moved back, to try to help him. He told me that he didnt know what he would do without him, we had sex, he was really loving and we were getting on well again, even though I was in a very supporting role. He has been to the doctors, and they are referring him to a physchiatrist to help him to get better. He isnt on any tablets, and hasnt seen the psychiatrist yet.
And now he keeps saying he doesnt want to be with me. He keeps pushing me away and is looking at flats for himself. He says that he cant live with me, and needs to get away from me. He wont consider any kind of couples counselling, as he says its not worth it.
I really dont know what to do! I cant leave him on his own, as I really do believe he is a suicide risk. I also want to fight for our marriage and our family. But I dont want to be the worlds biggest fool, hanging round and hoping that we will get back together. He has nobody else nearby who can support him.
I just dont know if I am strong enough to do this. I really love him, and want us to be able to work things out, but I really cannot have my heart stamped on like this.

OP posts:

Report

LittleMyDancing · 19/05/2008 20:13

You poor thing! I can't offer any insights into how to manage this, but wanted to send you lots of hugs

{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}

also wanted to say that whatever he says at the moment, it sounds like he really doesn't know what is going on. It's really hard, but try not to take what he says to heart, it's not a reflection on you but on how ill he is feeling. It sounds like you really love him and want to help him, which is fantastic.

When is his appointment with the psychiatrist?

nowwearefour · 19/05/2008 20:15

i am so sorry for your situation. i do not know what to advise. i just did not want to walk away from your post. your dh clearly needs help. it sounds like you are a wonderful wife and mother. it does seem as if he is taking the right steps to recovery by going to the gp and having a referral. it almost certainly needs an expert to meet with him to decide how best to help him. make sure you keep coming back here for support. it sounds like you should stay around if he/ you can bear it for now- worry about the future when he is better.

NotABanana · 19/05/2008 20:17

I would strongly recommend you go and see your gp tomorrow and tell then what you have told us.

NotABanana · 19/05/2008 20:17

I would strongly recommend you go and see your gp tomorrow and tell then what you have told us.

lilyloo · 19/05/2008 20:21

Am sure if you spoke to the gp you could get an urgent referral ?

PerkinWarbeck · 19/05/2008 20:21

would he agree to come to the hospital with you? A&E have on-call psychiatrist 24/7.

NotQuiteCockney · 19/05/2008 20:23

It sounds like you're doing the best you can. Has he got the referral to the psychiatrist?

The fact he's started planning for suicide is particularly worrisome.

Is there any way you can get him to call the Samaritans or similar to get some more support? I know you're doing your best, but his mental state must be very hard for you to cope with!

If you're concerned he may not make it to the psychiatrist, you might want to talk to his GP, in case he wasn't clear about the extent of his problems ... I'm not sure where to start reporting someone as a suicide risk, but a GP sounds like a good place to try ...

MissChief · 19/05/2008 20:25

you need to categorically state that you believe he is a danger to himself. On these grounds he will probably be sectioned, scary I know, but it sounds like he needs it for his own protection. At least start with yr GP, get an urgent appointment tomorrow.

PerkinWarbeck · 19/05/2008 20:27

your dh would not get sectioned unless every other alternative has been discounted (I am an ASW, so responsible for sectioning people).

First job is to get a psychiatrist to see him. I do think A&E is your best bet if he would go.

JiminyCricket · 19/05/2008 20:28

Depression might be making him feel you'd be better off without him because he's feeling so worthless about himself - or if he's feeling suicidal he might want to distance himself because of feelings of guilt about the obvious impact on you. Of course he may actually want to seperate or be confused about what he wants. He's getting the right sort of help. This is my advice fwiw (I work in mental health). Do make your concerns about his risk known to his GP, particulalry if he talks about having a concrete plan such as a noose. Ask for a mental health assessment if you feel he is not getting help quickly enough. You sound like you've been really supportive, but its not possible to be there 24/7 especially if he's pushing you away. I would prob say something like I don't think this is the time to make big decisions about our life together, when you're feeling depressed and trying to get help - but I do love you and want you to get better so we can work out where we go from here. Organisations like MIND may be able to give more support and more helpful advice. I really wish you all the best in this, so many people go through depression and medicine and support really can help, especially in this acute phase.

Janni · 19/05/2008 20:28

Agree about the urgency of this. If someone is making specific plans they are a definite risk and it is very very hard on you to be his only support. As someone said, A&E departments can organise immediate psychiatric referral if you don't feel you can wait to see the GP.

Good luck x

notdealingwiththiswell · 19/05/2008 20:32

I know that he is seeking help, and that when he gets help he will start to improve. He will stop feeling suicidal, and may return to his old self.
But what I really cant deal with is the rejection. I just feel that he wants to throw away everything we have together.
He says I make him unhappy, but I am sure its the depression making him unhappy. But he cant see that and is intent on throwing away our relationship. By the time he is better, there may be nothing left of 'us'.

OP posts:

limecrush · 19/05/2008 20:33

am writing from perspective of someone who has recently been suicidal

he may be pushing you away but he needs you. Now more than ever.

This is a terrible burden on you but- even if you annoy him and he screams at you to leave him alone- you are helping him. It's been proven that potential suicides try to isolate themselves so they can 'prove' to themselves that no one will 'really' suffer from their death. The fewer social links a depressed person has, the more likely they are to commit suicide.

involve whoever else you can, also- his friends- his parents? this is urgent, really.

I know you are in pain but I feel for him as have so recently been there. It's a living hell, that's why you want to die. You have utter contempt for yourself and yes you can't really feel love which is why he's trying to cut himself off from you and the kids.

Is he medicated?

dh took me to psychiatric a&E when I was at my worst. He had to drag me. It did help just to have someone talk to us and refer me to someone.

hope all is OK tonight.x

limecrush · 19/05/2008 20:34

I see from OP he's not medicated- he really really should be- involve whoever you can to make this happen

notdealingwiththiswell · 19/05/2008 20:35

limecrush - that is what worries me with him wanting to separate and looking for his own place.

OP posts:

notdealingwiththiswell · 19/05/2008 20:36

and how do I stay strong?
At the moment, I am so upset as I can se us losing everything because of his state of mind.
I cant have my heart pulled around like this much longer. I know it sounds selfish, as dh is the one who has the major problems, but I really cant deal with the idea of being without him.

OP posts:

limecrush · 19/05/2008 20:37

yeah. That's EXACTLY what I was saying to dh a month ago. I had a plan that I would be totally alone and then no one would 'care' that I was going to die. It is madness but makes this awful sense when you're in it.

I would keep badgering him. Ring and text him if you're not with him. You will hate him for this later but for now I know that you want him alive and it WILL help I promise.

limecrush · 19/05/2008 20:38

God I know notdealing

the horrible thing about depression is it can spread to close family. It is awful.

He NEEDS medication for your sake and his.

Is there any chance at all you can drag him to A&E?

Boco · 19/05/2008 20:39

I think you need to deal with one thing at a time. The immediate issue is his health and whether he is suicidal. He can't give you a realistic account of what he wants while he's so ill - so you need to try and push that out of your mind until you're past the crisis point.

Saneline is helpful - can't remember the number but it's googleable. It sounds like he really needs some medication - would he go to the GP with you?

I have been in your situation and know how hard it is, try to look after yourself and talk to your friends, get some support from them as it can be very hard supporting someone who is unpredictable and depressed.

notdealingwiththiswell · 19/05/2008 20:39

do you think he needs to go right now?
While I am here, I dont think he is at immediate risk. Its when he is alone that I am worried.

OP posts:

limecrush · 19/05/2008 20:40

hmm. Do you think he is actively suicidal when alone? If so then I would say you need to go with him asap.

madamez · 19/05/2008 20:42

Notdealing, keep repeating to yourself (silently) that it's the illness talking, not your DP. Get urgent medical help for him and do your best to take care of yourself with regard to eating, sleeping, etc, but until your DP gets some medical help he can't show you any love so you need to switch off from expecting it. It's very, very hard to care for someone with severe mental health problems and I do sympathise, but trying to get him to offer you love is just going to make both of you feel worse because he is not well enough to be capable of doing so.

notdealingwiththiswell · 19/05/2008 20:44

I really dont know!!!
I dont want to leave him alone, and I think that is what is making him push me away.
I know that he has been thinking about it for a few months, but I didnt realise it was that serious. It sounds flippant, but thinking of suicide is my warning sign that I am getting depressed and need to go back on meds. I wouldnt actually do it, its a sign. I guess that I kind of saw him thinking of it like that, except he has no meds to go on.

The pushing away and wanting to be alone makes so much sense now - thanks so much for that insight limecrush.

OP posts:

notdealingwiththiswell · 19/05/2008 20:45

madamez, and everyone else who said a similar thing. You are right. Thanks for clearing it up in my head. I guess I am taking it so personally, when I need to be able to switch off. But its very difficult.

OP posts:

madamez · 19/05/2008 21:50

Notdealing: you need emotional support from someone else (mother, sister, best friend?) If there is no one around ie they live far away or are messed up themselves then it might help you to call the Samaritans, because they offer, above all, non-judgmental, non-critical sympathy and support.

Flip

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