Why am I so crap at this? long

[twinkleymum]

I feel like I've totally lost the plot. My DD is 6mo and I just feel like everything I do is wrong. She is a high needs baby and is hard to keep entertained. I cant keep carrying her around all day as my back hurts. I'm useless at getting her to sleep during the day (last nap took 40 minutes to settle her down, the neighbours must think I'm murdering her), when she eventually goes off its only for 30 mins. I'm trying to wean and she doesn't want any of the foods so I just keep trying. I'm trying to cut back on BF (got to retutn to work at some point) and she keeps demanding more feeds so end up dropping one only to give another at a different time. She wakes on average 3 times per night and I can only get her back to sleep by feeding.

I just feel like I have no direction. Nothing I do is right and I'm messing everything up. The house looks like a bomb site there's washing up everywhere and I need to vacuum but it will wake up DD if I do it whilst she's asleep and she cries if I do it when she's awake. I've got no family around me to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife. My DH is very supportive, dont know why as I'm useless.

I'll never be able to go back to work at this rate as I dont know how to settle DD how can I tell them at nursery what she needs when I dont know myself? All her crying sounds the same to me, so the first time she cries I assume its to feed and the second time for ?sleep. All in all I cant get her to sleep day or night, cant get her to eat solids, and am failing to cut back on BF. I just wish I could make her happy.

Where have I lost the plot? Any ideas?

[Renaissancewoman]

Its sounds like you are knackered and not having much fun.
Do you have to return to work soon. It sounds like you might need to postpone to give yourself more time to get some stability.

It sounds like you are doing a great job, trying so hard. But you are not getting good results - that doesn't make you a failure.

When I've had difficulties with mine as babies I went back to basics, like a basic routine and structure, to help you try and gain some control of your day. Identify the things that do work and do these things a lot. If she is comforted by BF I'd suggest keeping that going - if it works keep doing it (but depends how flexible you can be with work). Does she like being outdoors, being in the buggy.

I'd try and play outside with her to try and wear her out in the fresh air. This may get easier as she starts moving around more. Persevere with the solids as filling her tummy is a key to sleep. Will she take a bottle? If your husband can give one of night feeds it will help you get better rest.

Having a young one is so intensive especially when you can't get any peace and they seem unsettled. Are there baby/child and parent groups in your area you can go to. You might find it helpful to talk to other Mums. Most find this a difficult time and have similar feelings to you about the housework and not being able to get it all right.

Could you get a cleaner once a week to see to the basics in the house?
If problems persist go and see your Doctor/health visitor to try and get some more tips about the feeding and sleeping.

But more than anything please know this - you are doing the right thing and that is to keep trying!

[piratecat]

You are not crap at this, some babies are very awake, mine was.

People never used to believe me, that she wouldn't just drop off, or fall asleep in the car, buggy or pram.

She was just too switched on. I think you do need to lay her down under a baby gym, and stay close by as suggested.

Keep the milk up, don't fret with the weaning, for say anohter few weeks?

My dd is 6 now, so its hard to remember what I did, but i do remember feeling she had me on a short lead.

I am sure there will lots more support on here for you.

[MoreSpamThanGlam]

You are trying so hard and deserve a bloody break girl!

My Lord, you are not crap at this. Sounds like you are doing your best. Some great advice on here - jut wanted to send some "cup of trea and a biscuit" vibes x

[Needamassage]

Hi twinkleymum!

(((((((hugs))))))) to you!

You are doing so much better than you think.

First of all, it is a huge, huge change and your baby is only six months old. IMO it takes quite a long time to get used to all the demands of a new baby.

Your DD sounds just like my DS at that age. He hardly ever slept in the day and was always crying and I had no family near, just like you. I felt I was doing everything wrong and felt overwhelmed by it all-please believe me, it's normal to feel like this. Babies are not an exact science and some are much harder work than others.

Being tired doesn't help-it makes everything feel worse- and the pressure you are feeling about returning to work.

Could you have a chat with your HV or Doctor? It may be that you do have PND. I think it is very common when you have no family/friends etc. help.

The previous posters have offered some good suggestions and don't worry about the bloody housework. Easy to say I know, but it's full on when they are little and very demanding - it leaves very little time for much else. Give yourself a break-you don't have to be Superwoman!

Your DH sounds great. Listen to him when he says you are doing a good job.

[twinkleymum]

Hi all, thanks for your support! I do have to go back to work but could put off until October. We do play under the play gym. She's not too keen on the pushchair or any chair for that matter. I will try lying down for some quiet time with her though. I'll keep on trying with the feeding. It just seems like an uphill struggle at the moment.

I dont think I've got PND as I'm not tearful or off food I just think its harder work than I anticipated. I do meet up with my NCT group once a week but their babies seem so much more settled and compliant than mine that this sometimes makes me feel worse and inadequate really.

Thanks I'll try some of your suggestions x

[piratecat]

yes from what i can vaguely remember this age is a bit of a cowbag.

They can't do much for themsleves, but arenot just little lying down blobs iywsim. NOT that any baby is a blob!!

Go back in oct, enjoy your baby. don't be too hard on yourself, it is very hard work. You are a good mummy, otherwise you wouldn't be posting and getting advice.

[twinkleymum]

I'm back from an hour of trying to get DD to sleep. I dont understand, she is so tired, starts to drop off then thinks Hey no way am I going to sleep! She rolls onto her front and cries, I turn her back put the dummy in, she cries, I leave the room she's hysterical so I try staying in the room and she rolls and cries, I try patting, shushing, holding her until she's almost asleep. As soon as I put her down she gets hysterical again. I'm at my wits end. I dont know how to get her to sleep or what she wants me to do. I think the dummy makes it worse but how do I get rid of it now? They say to wean them off it at 6 months but how?

[piratecat]

don't worry about the dummy, not yet. I wish I had used one in hindsight, but I was always worreid she would wake when it fel out. Yet she woke all the time anyway.

Have you found any help on any borads with peolpe who have same age babies??

I used to belong to babycentre, to my birth board and that was a good place for support?

[babypringle]

hi twinkleymum my DS was exactly the same at 6 months, and like you I have no family around to help. He would sleep perfectly in my arms but scream the second i tried to put him down. also wanted to be carried around all day and hated the buggy. getting him to sleep would regularly take 45mins - 2hrs and instead he'd often fall asleep whilst being BF. Didn't help that all my friend's babies appeared perfect and my friends seemed in control (they weren't mind). I think BF makes babies more clingy (but its still a good think before anyone shouts at me, I fed DS until he was 15mths). so big hugs cos I know how crap it feels. so ... i got help via my health visitor for the sleeping probs when DS was 8months, was horrid doing it but worth it. is your HV helpful? in the meantime can you get your DH to do some of the night time get ups? I found that DS would go back to sleep without a feed if DS went to him and it gave me a bit more sleep. 6months of no sleep is pure torture. Also 6 months is still early in the weaning process, I don't think my DS properly took to solids until 8/9months (felt breastmilk was far yummier than pureed carrot, and he was probably right!) i just kept trying and eventually he started eating. for us, sweet potato and pear (not mixed!) were the most popular, possibly because they were sweet like milk. do you still BF on demand or at fixed times? i found vaguely following a schedule of a feed every three hours helped me to feel a little more organised. and finally don't worry about nursery ... october is still a while away, and also nurseries have strong routines of their own and my DS just slotted into that.

[twinkleymum]

I'm feeling a bit more relaxed today about the weaning, I've been reading a few posts and it seems that 6mo is still very early in the weaning process. The sleep is still a problem. My HV is OK she said to sort out the feeding first and then try to sort out sleeping later. I dont have a fixed routine as it depends on how long it takes to get DD to sleep and how long (or short more like) she sleeps for, she seems to do different things every day. I always make sure we start the day before 7.30 and do the bath feed bed routine about 6.30. I am feeding on demand, how often I feed depends on when she wakes up and how many naps, I generally find she wants to feed about 30 mins after she wakes up. Not sure if I'm just blowing it all out of proportion because I'm tired (also have a cold) and should just relax and go with the flow or if I'm making a pigs ear of it all

[Renaissancewoman]

There's no right way of doing things. Some babies are easy, some very difficult, some can be both at different times, others somewhere in the middle. Truely it sounds like you are doing great.
Here are some things I did with mine that helped when the usual stuff didn't.

• Holding in the tiger in the tree position - do you know this? - put baby's front along your forearm so they are looking down, put some interesting stuff on the floor for them to look at.
• If your baby likes being upright, consider putting her in one of those doorway bouncers and put the babygym in the doorway so she sees the toys from above rather than below.
• Lying on grass/blanket on grass outdoors with toys scattered around, the sounds,smells and sights of being close to stuff like grass often proved to be a great distraction from whatever was causing the problem (i sometimes had no idea what).
• Bedtime: Giving camomile tea out of bottle.
• To generally calm - taking bath with baby, breast feed in the bath, put lavender oil in one of those room infuser things.
• To get to sleep when all else fails - breast feeding lying side by side on floor in baby's room, hope for them to sleep whilst feeding, gently break contact and just let them sleep on the floor.

• Re feeding - what they used to do in the olden days was thicken up milk with baby rice or cereal but still liquid consistency and give in a bottle - check hole size to make sure will come out and make larger if necessary. Idea was to give extra calories hidden in the milk they know and promote full sleepy baby who slept for longer. My Gran and Mum swore by it - but people always say the methods from the olden days worked, I never tried it myself!

I think your health visitor is right in trying to get the feeding first. Not all babies are ready for solids at the same time. Was she showing the signs of interest etc? My experience with most children I have met is that they are remarkably conservative with food and dont generally like new tastes/textures. You have to persevere with the variety to discourage fussiness or fadiness!

Hope your cold gets better soon. Try and get some rest. You are not blowing it out of proportion. Lookin after a baby being on your own for most of the day is hard on anyone. But if the baby is unsettled consistently, both Mum and baby get tired etc etc and things get tough. It does get easier...until you have another one then it starts all over again!!

[Meandmyjoe]

Oh Twinkley, I'm so sorry to see you started this thread. We have met on many occassions before regarding our similar grumpy babies!

I read your posts on this thread and I am not kidding, I wrote such a similar post about 8 weeks ago on the 'feeling depressed' (now 'mental health') board too.

It's uncanny the similarities actually, everything from the struggling to get lo to sleep to the short naps and the carrying around endlessly. My ds is still not a fan of his push chair or even the high chair for that matter so things are still difficult. However, I have come a long way since I started my similar thread all those weeks ago. It's only when I read this that I realised how i'm not feeling that way anymore. Still get pissed off that everyone elses babies seem happy when mine isn't but I know that it will pass now. The screaming has subsided but been replaced with an annoying whingey sound but hey, it's an improvement! DS still isn't crawling and he's so inquisitive and active, i think he really will be happier when he can move and be independant. He hates sitting still.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I know EXACTLY what you are going through, i've been there, (as you know!) and it's not your fault. I felt like I was making a pigs ear of it too. I now know that all babies are different, they won't always be this way. Although at 6 months I think I did just implode and think it would never ever get any better so i do feel for you. 3 months later and ds fascinates me and makes me laugh in so many ways every day. He's still a grump but no where near the screamy, miserable sod I first wrote about (although is still fowl when he's tired!).

As for the weaning, i went through exactly the same thing as you. DS refusing food, crying in his highchair, arching his back and spitting it all out or just refusing to open his mouth. It really made me feel like I couldn't do ANYTHING right. I couldn't even feed him properly. I decided to remove the stress of meal times and rely on Baby Lead Weaning. He's still not eating much but everyday it improves and he is much happier feeding himself. I really think our babies just hate being babies and are desperate for a bit of independance.

I really hope you are feeling a bit better now. I know how shit it is when you think you are the only one struggling. Believe me, you're not and I an sending you big hugs. You're doing everything right and it does get better. Just veeeeeerrrrry slowly. So slowly that I only realised quite how much it had improved when i read your thread so thank you for making me see how far we've come. You'll get there too. Take care x

[Meandmyjoe]

By the way I don't know how you put a link to a previous thread as I'm crap at stuff like that but I got loads of advice on my similar thread. It was started on April 4th and is titled 'Just need to talk to someone' I got a lot of support and even after a few days things started to improve and I felt stronger. Feel free to read it and you'll know you're not the only one going through this. x

[Proserpina]

Oh Twinkleymum, your message brought back such memories for me (ds is 21 months now) and I just wanted to say that you're not useless (I thought I was too), it's just that some babies are just really needy and you can't avoid upsetting them sometimes. I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place, on the one hand worrying I was making a rod for my own back if I did what made him happy, on the other worrying that I was damaging him emotionally if I tried to impose some kind of structure on the chaos. I knew he needed to sleep during the day but he just DIDN'T.

It's quite a skill, learning to switch off wakeful mode and switch on sleep in the brain and some babies get too panicky to do it when left alone so you have to do things gradually and they do get the hang of it eventually. I compromised by making regular quiet times instead of naps where I would draw the curtains, put on soothing music (folk worked best for mummy, pan-pipes/didgerdoos/waves/dolphin noises best for him so I got a lot of dodgy New Age CDs for the library!). I also got a colour-changing lamp at a cheap shop and a fibre-optic one to look at. I'd make sure I had some chocolate in the drawer for me, comfy pillows, fluffy socks etc. and a good book (in case he did drop off and I didn't want to move). I would rock him, feed him, sing to him and just try to make it a positive experience for us both that calmed down his brain chemistry. I had a game called "waves of the sea" where I'd swing him and touch him and pretend to be a mummy wave and a daddy wave and baby wave and the sun, fishes, etc. etc. It became our relaxation time and eventually it turned into playing in cot time and then finally!!! into nap time (at least some of the time).

Don't compare yourself to other people, we all have strengths and weaknesses and also children go through stages of being easy/difficult - I felt so inadequate but then my son has been MUCH easier as a toddler, sleeping through the night and taking a long nap every afternoon.

I found it helps to concentrate on the process and not on the results, what didn't work yesterday may work today so just keep trying and be gentle with yourself and your little one who is lucky to have found a mum willing to be so patient with her and sympathetic towards her needs. You may find everything works a bit but nothing completely, just pat yourself on the back for small gains!

Got to go, nappy-changing beckons, but please don't beat yourself up, so many of us have been there!

[black31cat]

I could have written your post myself about a year ago (in fact, i did!). I was so overwhelmed, the house was a tip, my DS never stopped crying and feeding and i though i'd be breastfeeding for ever.
Firstly, you are NOT a crap mum, some babies just do this, there is no rhyme or reason to it, and the only consolation is that they DO grow out of it.
You sound like a really caring mum, but just feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing, which is totally understandable.
I'm sure that loads of people can offer much better advice than me, (I haven't read all the responses) but just wanted to send hugs.

[LenniEd]

I had similar issues with DD when she was a similar age. It is hard, and believe it or not you are coping - when you look back you will wonder how you managed but you will, that is the main thing. I found it was easiest to go with her on a few things, DD was disagreeable and any fighting her just made things worse. Far better to manage the situation within her boundaries and gradually she will get easier.

Baby led weaning is a fab suggestion - I did that with DD after she refused anything until about 6.5months. We never looked back. Well cooked veg like broccoli florets were a good starting point. At first she just sucked them, then finally she started chewing them as her teeth came in. Then she got the hang of it and now she eats really well.

We still haven't dropped the milk feeds at 17mo but bottle feed. I am not going to push her to drop them, when she's ready they'll go. She's already asking for less. If you aren't working until October then don't worry about that for now. Once you've got her established on solids she'll need less milk anyway.

I also started to gradually establish a few routines. I put bedtime back further (to about 8.30pm) so that she was exhausted by the time we put her down. Although she was grouchy in the evening, by the time she went to bed she went to sleep and it helped establish a routine as she got used to going to sleep once she was in bed. It also meant she slept longer. We went cold turkey on giving the dummy when she first went down. That way she got used to getting to sleep without it. We still give her it occasionally if she is unsettled in the night. That helped a lot, and she was far less disturbed in the night without it, but the first couple of bedtimes were hard. Although she soon forgot about it.

I also started having 'quiet time' after lunch when we would lie down together for a milk feed. In time that became a nap, and by the time she was about 8 months she was napping for a couple of hours after lunch.

Finally, the most important thing I did was went back to uni one day a week. The break did us both the world of good and DH changed his working hours so he could look after DD. Perhaps you could find something to do for a few hours a week and leave your DD with DH or grandparents? You could express and leave milk? It is lovely just to have a break sometimes.

Will try and think more on some of the other things that I tried that helped. Please don't despair though, some babies are just awkward. DD is a fantastic toddler now BTW - I enjoy (almost) every moment with her, she is such a pleasure. The dreadful baby days are now long forgotton thankfully!

[LenniEd]

BTW I still have exactly the same problem with the vaccum!! MIL bought DD one of those pretend dysons the other day to try and solve it for me - DD loves her pretend dyson until it is switched on - then she cries!!

[Meandmyjoe]

How you doing twinkley?

[twinkleymum]

Hi Meandmyjoe, Haven't posted for a while as we went away for a few days. The whole travel cot thing was hard work! I'm feeling better since I started this post (at the moment anyway). DD's night sleeping is getting worse but the day sleeps are slightly better and sometimes the first nap of the day may even be as long as an hour . The housework gets done when it gets done, I've been a bit I'm more relaxed about that. Also DD has decided that she like carrot, whereas the first few times she sat there with her mouth open and tongue hanging out making heavy breathing noises until it dripped off (I laugh about it now), so there is some hope she may eat eventually. I'm meeting my boss tomorrow to discuss going back to work part-time, as needs must, and think I will go into the nursery for a chat and see if they make me feel any better about it. Even though DD is hard work I just cannot imagine handing her over to someone else for the day, but I'm sure lots of people feel the same way and get through it.

All in all, v.tired but feeling much more positive this week x

[Meandmyjoe]

Great to hear you are feeling a little stronger. I know I had (still do sometimes) massive ups and downs so don't feel bad if you suddenly feel shit again. It really will all be worth it in the end. Remember that you are not doing anything wrong. We've just had very very challenging babies!

How is she in the car now? I think I remember you saying that she wasn't fond of being in the car.

I feel the same about going back to work. Part of me would love to and I sometimes feel that if I don't then I'll go slowly mad but then I hate the idea of someone not knowing what to do with ds and losing their temper with him. He is still a bit of a grump but is finally crawling although only for a few shuffles so is extremely frustrated

Do what feels right for you and you'll be OK in the end.

Good to hear from you. Please let us know how you get on. x

[Meandmyjoe]

Bloody hell twinkleymum, just read your post on the 'missing my mum' thread and it really is uncanny the similarities. Not often I speak to people who are in the same boat so it's strangely comforting to know that I am not alone. It sometimes seems that everyone else has their mums' to help with their babies and maybe it would be easier if mine were here too.

It seems especially hard as my sister was a similar baby to my ds and I'm sure she'd have been able to help and support us

It's hard when you feel like you're the only one with a grumpy, grizzley baby and feel like you are losing the plot but you aren't alone and I sooo have been where you are.

Glad she likes carrotts! My ds has only just started eating better now at 9 months so there is plenty of time to get solids established. Remember to stay calm and not let dd pick up on any stress on meal times.

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