Missing family overseas...

[angel1976]

Don't know why I am posting this except I am home alone (DH working away tonight) and generally feel really depressed.

Lovely DS is 10.5 weeks old. I love him to death even though he is grumpy. DH not bonding that great with him at the moment due to him being not a 'small baby' person so feel like I am sole parenting iykwim. BUT I have no doubts about DH or DS - both are the loves of my life. And I don't think it's PND either as I don't think I tick too many of that box.

Problem is my family lives overseas. I've always been fiercely independent. Due to abuse when I was little (of a sexual kind by a much older cousin) and my parents not being there for me (I was brought up by grandma), I don't feel close to them though things have been much better in recent times. Been living overseas since I was 19 (now 31), never really missed home much.

But since DS's arrival, I really miss my family (crying as I write this). Not just my immediate family, I grew up with cousins etc, huge extended family, very child-friendly, always having family gathering here, there and everywhere. I just miss them all.

Everyone thinks I just need to get out. I just converted my driving license to UK one so am getting out but not far from home as I am not confident about driving here. But it's not just that. It's my family. I want my son to grow up with lots of kids his age, go swimming in tropical weather etc. I don't want him to just face me all day long. No wonder he's grumpy, I would be grumpy too if I had to see me all day! LOL...

Sod's law is that right before DS's arrival, DH gave up a job with possibilities of us going back to where I came from for a more local job that paid better thinking that was a better move so he could be home more and I could have the option of being a SAHM if I wanted. Now I get this crushing feeling that we made the wrong choice.

Going back to see my family in September - two weeks with us three. A week before that, DH will be in San Fran for work so I will be heading back first with DS and now thinking of extending it by another week so I am home for all of a month. BUT I know this is not the solution.

I just feel so, so sad right now... I don't expect any answers or solutions. Just need to put this down as DH feels bad enough that I am lonely...

[muttonbird]

Hi Angel1976. No answers or solutions from me! I understand though that it's tough being away from home, esp with the arrival of a dd/ds. Congratulations btw, on your son's arrival!

My family are overseas as well and despite having lived here for many years I really felt it when I had ds - exactly like you I want him to grow up knowing his cousins, to be able to live the outdoorsy life that I grew up with etc etc. DS is 4 now and I still feel it.

Do you have DH's family nearby or is he from overseas as well? I know it's not the same but if they are nearby and you get on well with them then use them! Even if you can just call in on them for a cuppa or whatever and share your lovely son with them.

Re the job thing, isn't it possible that a similar opportunity to re-locate may come up again? So just because you've not gone for it this time doesn't mean that avenue is closed forever. (I promise these are not answers or solutions, just thoughts!)

Sending some hugs....

[angel1976]

Thanks MB. I feel better this morning. I just feel so stupid. EVERYONE says that when you have your own child, you then really feel the need for your own family to be close by. Did I listen? Nooooooooooooooooooo... I thought 'No way. Don't miss them and haven't missed them for years, why would I start now?' Of course I am so so so wrong.

You sound like you came from Australia (outdoorsy life being a clue... :P). My DH is from here and my inlaws are sort of nearby (an hour away). Firstly I don't feel confident driving that distance yet and MIL is meant to come to babysit once a week or fortnight to give me a break but that hasn't happened (let's not go there! LOL). We do get on but it's not the same iykwim.

Thanks for your support. I know there are no easy solutions (otherwise I would have sorted it), just feel lonely and it's nice to hear (but not nice iykwim) from others in the same boat... Thanks.

[singyswife]

Of course you miss your family, you are a family now (hope that makes sense). You are just feeling out of sorts because of this massive change in your life. Try making a better (more social) life for your self here. If you get friends in your area then your child will grow up around lots of kids and you can have bbqs etc so he is used to social gatherings. Where are you?????

[meridian]

Angel- congrats on you little DS first of all... I'm American and have lived here for um 8-9 years but its still tough sometimes.. my DS is 4 now and sometimes I get really upset and sad about the silliest things.. My parents never vist.. they hate to travel despite both being retired...I love England but at the same time it dosent mean the same bit of home to me...My parents moved from California to Idaho when I was pregnate and I haden't been back to Cali for 5 years until this April, i missed it more than I though becuse everywhere we went for 5 days before going to Idaho I teared up and cried... I think I missed being there more than being with my family... I think I might be wittering on a bit now... I just wanted to say I know some of what you are feeling... hugs

[angel1976]

Hi,

Thanks for all your support. Singyswife, I am in SE London. Am planning to start going to baby massage and parent/toddler group very soon so can't wait. Also, I am getting out more with DS now and though stressful, I need to do it so I can get use to it instead of sitting at home. Where I am is kid-friendly but DS is too little to play at the playgrounds etc so feel a bit of a loon bringing him there. LOL!

Meridian, nice to hear from you. Yes, it's soooooo hard. My parents can't wait to meet their first grandson but they are not big on the UK (been here once and hated London as they couldn't figure out the tube system and it's VERY expensive for them so they can't really enjoy it here). I have to put up with disparaging remarks from the inlaws about my parents' failure to visit but I totally understand. Much as I love for them to be here, I know they would not be comfortable and they are in the midst of a big upheaval as well (moving from a house they have lived in for 20-odd years to a smaller place and trying to sell so it's stressful to say the least). It's all my cousins, their kids etc that I miss too. My cousin adopted a baby boy in late January so he is literally a month older than my DS and I feel so sad thinking that I could be going through this journey with her together instead of wallowing in self-pity here!

Thanks for all your support. It does really help!

Ax

[muttonbird]

Hi ladies. Angel76 I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today. Please try not to feel stupid, I think there are loads of people who don't realise the massive changes in feelings etc that come about when you have a child, me included (big time!)

Baby massage etc sounds like a great idea, I found going to a couple of groups gave me a good reason to get out of the house (even if sometimes I had to force myself to go). Also means you will meet extra people locally and who knows, may find a couple of new friends!

x

(btw, you are close on the Oz thing, actually from NZ)