I hurt my baby tonight

[lessofme]

I put her down really roughly on the sofa in frony of DH and DD1. I am horrified at what I did and feel disgusted with myself.

I ran out of the house and sat in the car for what seemed like hours.

DD2 is 6mo and the absolute light of my life so why did I do that?

I think things had been building up all afternoon. DD2 is teething and had been crying pretty much all day. When DH got in she then threw up all over me after I'd changed her clothes and it was like something snapped inside me. I barely rem,ember doing it. All a haze like when you have a car accident and it seems to appen in slow motion.

I had PND with DD1 and came off Sertraline when I was pregnant with DD2. My consultant wanted to put me on ADs while I was pregnant in case it returned but I thought I'd wait and see how I was.

I didn't think I'd been feeling too bad. Had started to feel a bit down a while ago so I took St John Wort which helped. If I miss taking them for a copule of days though I seem to suffer terrible mood swings. Maybe I need something stronger.

The thing is, I'm not sure it is PND o just a build up of stress. The last 6 months have been pretty awful.

DDs birth was quite traumatic, then my grandad died 8 weeks later, then my alcoholic mother appeared again and was very abusive towards me. My sister has sine reappeared after 6 years estrangement and wants to have my mother charged with child abuse- something I want no part of.

DD2 has also been quite ill on and off- a few nights in hospital and I just things have got on top of me.

I fully expect strong words from you all and you are right to do so but I do love my children and hurting my baby like this has terrified me.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

Less of Me

You did the right thing.

You put her down, somewhere safe - with DH - and took yourself away from the situation.

Obviously the roughness is something that you regret, rightly.

You might consider getting professional help, you have had a very bad time recently.

[BreevandercampLGJ]

Do you know you hurt her, or do you just suspect you hurt her ?

Well done you for going to sit in the car.

What has your DH said ??

Maybe you should consider the AD's until life is on a more even keel ?

[ChirpyGirl]

What do you mean by putting her down roughly? Based on everything else you have said I would have to agree with BALD, you took yourself out of a situation you weren't coping with before anything more serious happened, well done to you.

DD2 is 6 months and if she is getting on top of me I put her down in the travel cot downstairs and leave the room for a minute or so, I might not be too gentle about it as I am at my wits end but TBH I think everyone does this at some point or another.

[castlesintheair]

Sorry you are going through such a rough time. I sympathise with you: I'm on a mild AD for stress/anxiety and it has helped eased the mood swings and irritation that can come with (in my case) having 3 DCs (youngest 16 mo) and having some major worries in addition to them.
Of course you love your children. You are a good mother who's going through a bad patch. Go and see your GP and I hope you feel better soon. You are not alone and you certainly are not the 1st to do something like this

[lessofme]

You're right. So hard admitting it to myself and family/friends that I have this again but I can't risk the children being hurt. I would rather not be here than see them hurt. Didn't wnat to go back on ADs as side effects weren't nice but needs must I guess.

DH was initially very angry- understandably- but then gave me a cuddle and we talked.

[youngbutnotdumb]

lessofme

I think u did the right thing walking away and putting herdown safely.

I have also done this but with my DS when he was a baby, it felt like I threw him into his cot but obviously I didn't. I felt so guilty afterwards but just think it couldv'e been so so much more!

I think you need to get some help to sort out all of the issues in your life I really sympathize with you huni. Don't feel ashamed we've all done it.

[castlesintheair]

If you get something mild like paroxetine 20mg (sp?) the side affects can be minimal. They have been for me.

[lessofme]

You're all so kind. Nice to know I'm not the only evil mother out there! I'm going to go and talk to DH now but just wanted to get some other perspectives on things first.

Yes, I do get breaks from the girls. Not a huge amount but then who does and I'll be going back to work part time in August.

[BumperliciousNeedsToSleep]

Lessofme, we have all reached breaking point and probably done something similar. When DD has had days like that and cried incessantly I have picked her up roughly and growled "well? is that better? are you happy now?"

It's tough, but you took yourself out of the situation before you did anything worse.

Can you try different ADs?

[lessofme]

TBH the Sertraline did help. Was on Prozac first and that made me feel like a space cadet. Guess the best thing is to go to the GP and talk it through.

[Sexonlegs]

Lessofme, my heart goes out to you. You have had a run of pretty stressful events by the sounds of it.

I am no medic, and haven't experienced a/d's, but worth chatting to the GP about what has happened/how you are feeling.

Sounds like you have a supportive dh which is good news.

Take care of yourself.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

Gp definately

Discuss what ADs are available for your situation, eg Prozac might not suit, but citalopram might.

[lessofme]

Thankyo all for your kind words and not judging me. Yes DH is great, he was last time but I remember him saying oce we'd got through it he didn't think he could go through it again. I think this is why I have tried to hide how I've been feeling from him. I don't want to lose him.

[lessofme]

Had a good talk with DH. He was glad I'd talkedto him and am doing something before tthings get really bad. I'm going to make an appt at GPs Monday and see what they say. We've also discussed having a holiday just somewhere in UK. Maybe a caravan/chalet near coast. Nothing stressful. Think a change of scene might help me to unwind a bit. Thankyou all again.

[ShirleyValentine77]

Raising children is hard bloody work. It takes its toll. Dont think you are alone. We have all been there. We've all been at the end of our tethers and pushed to a limit then found we break through that limit and then we realise we are stronger & better equipped than we think. Its just a case of training yourself to keep in control of things, re-identifying new stragegies and plans all the time.

And well done you taking control & coming on here for some support & advice. I am so pleased your OH is of some support to you, take this opportuntiy to really confide in him and he may be able to help out more thus giving you free time on your own to do things you want to do other than look after your children & run the house!

The fact is, you are only human. You are not and never will be perfect. You reacted, and although you scared yourself the fact is that she is fine, you left her with her daddy and its OKAY. Stop worrying. Dont beat yourself up about it. Understand the facts. If she is teething at the moment, do you really need AD just to get through that stage!?!! Sure you are under stress - but you weren't you coping fine until she started teething? Why dont you just stock up on calpol & calgel for her instead and ensure that hubby frees up the lions share of time to help you during her teething stage. Are AD drugs really necessary? They wont exactly help her get her teeth?! Isn't she still gonna cry anyway whether you are on them or not? I know they would make you feel more ableto cope, but TBH I would ask your OH to take over in the evenings, say from 6 til late so you can get some time out, go to the gym, for a walk, & get an early night....?

I hope mm advice helps & gives another perspective on things. Sorry if it doesn't. Either way, it is nice to talk to you,i am new on here! :/

xxx

[berrieb]

HI lessofme, I have done similar things that were nothing to do with PND, just stress! The fact that you feel bad means everything, and IMO that the kids are perfectly safe , but I think it's worth having a chat to the gp about it as you have suffered with pnd before.
However be assured that weather we admit it or not we have all been a bit ott at one time or another and it sounds like you've had a time of it lately, so are perhaps under more pressure than usual.
Don't feel bad, but ALWAYS talk about how you feel....

[shabster]

Being a mum is so hard sometimes. You did the right thing to walk away.

I had twins first time around and the lack of sleep was incredible.

One night, DT2 was crying so hard and for so long that I almost snapped. I got hold of his babygro and wanted to shake him all over the cot. I shouted 'for Gods sake shut up.' His face changed to a terrified expression and he cried more. It was 3am and my husband was working a night shift. I can remember praying and I am not religious in any sense of the word. That was 26 yrs ago and it has made me want to cry even now.

Tell your doctor everything my love and let us know how you go on.

[SmoothandWilkie]

I have done the same with LO before when he is crying incessantly and whinging. I have even growled 'will you f*cking SHUT UP!!!!' at him - I don't swear in front of him usually!!

Everyone has their breaking point. Putting your baby down roughly and walking away is not a bad thing, I would imagine most mothers, if pressed, have done something similar. I doubt you hurt your baby - maybe shocked her but that will be it.

Definately see your GP in case of PND but it could just be that you are tired and need a break!

[Meandmyjoe]

I am sure you didn't physically hurt her. Think of all the times babies throw themselves about, especially as they get older and are trying to crawl and walk. I think you probably shocked her a bit more likely you just shocked yourself.

I think you actually did the right thing. You put her down and walked away. Albeit rougher than you normally would but you removed yourself so you couldn't harm her.

I'm not condoning being rough with babies but I think many people have done this at some point. I read on another thread on the bahaviour board how a lady was feeling guilty for her husband being rough with her son when he wouldn't stop crying. I think you'd be surprised at how many people said they'd done the same. I haven't been rough with ds but I have certainly shouted at him to shut up. And yes.. I know it's wrong and I feel terrible for it. The main thing is that you calmed yourself down before you snapped.

I'm not sure if it's depression or just being overwhelmed (I've been there and I only have one child so I am amazed at people coping with more!) I would certainly talk to your gp or HV though, maybe see about starting ad's again.

Please don't beat yourself up for being 'rough' though. You know it wasn't the ideal thing to do but you are by no means alone in doing it. Just try to remember how you felt right before you did it so you can recognise as those feelings are building again and remove yourself before you get to that point again. I know it's hard but please try and talk to someone and move on from it. x

[Meandmyjoe]

Oh God just read your post shabster, that's exactly what I did! DH was on a night shift and ds wouldn't stop crying when I put him to bed (very unusual for him as he sleeps brilliantly). He'd been grotty and whingey all day (very USUAL for him )and I picked him up by his baby gro and snarled at him to shut the f**k up! I so wanted to shake him too, I didn't I'm relieved to say. I put him paced up and down with him singing to him as I'd scared him so much. I honestly thought he would never love me again. Oh I feel sick at the thought of it now but I had reached the end of my tether. I guess we've all been rough at some time or an other.

[ShirleyValentine77]

Yes me too, I've been there, on more than one occasion. I definetly think that it is all about identifying that moment when you are about to snap, and recognise the two choices you have - to lose it or to keep a handle on it, ensure the child is safe and to walk away for a good cry. That usually works for me.

[missorinoco]

you put her down and walked away, well done. i have lost my temper too.

see your gp. hope it gets better soon.

[lessofme]

Well I thought things were looking up last night but DH seemed determined to wind me up today. I told DD1 off this morning- not in an out of control way- calmly and for good reason. Straight away DH says "if were going to have a repeat of yeaterday you can just go". In front of DD- great. How to make me feel better.

DD2 has been so grumpy again today, hardly slept all day today and thoroughly exhausted.

To top the day off just put DD1 to bed and she has bitten me. The joys of parenting eh? I am actually quite looking forward to going back to work.