Not coping with being a mum

[notcoping]

Changed my name here as I am ashamed of the hash of a mother I am, but I am reaching breaking point with my children.

I live on my own with my two boys & they seem to have no respect for me at all. Everything is a battle, and one I never seem to be winning.

Feel out of my depth & like I should never have had children because I am not cut out for the job.

[GooseyLoosey]

How old are they?

[notcoping]

8.5 & 5. They are both pushing me to the limit, and nothing I do seems to have much effect. They never play up for their dad though.
I feel I am starting to lose it. I keep shouting, which I know isn't the way to handle this, but I don't feel in control.

[tstar]

I just wanted to reach out and give you some support.
please dont be ashamed to ask for help.

It sounds like you need a break.
Is it possiable?
childcare, neighbour, friend or family.

Even to just get out and have a coffee, or maybe ask someone to talk too.

If a neighbour came to me and asked if I could watch her boys for a couple of hours, for an ergent break I would do it.
Even a good doctor will take time for a chat about your feelings.

sorry if you have already thought of this I just wanted to offer something.
Please dont be ashamed of your feelings.

Being a mum is the hardest job, and doing it on your own must be so drainning.

I wish you all the VERY best TAKE CARE OF YOU.

There is always mumsnet as well.

[lillypie]

Little boys can be very challenging especially if you are bringing them up alone.

It is imperative that you have clear boundaries
and you have to be consistent when enforcing them.

"If you behave in this way then this will happen"

I brought up two boys alone in a very bad area with all sorts of negative outside influences but my children were always clear about who was in charge and there were always consequences for bad behaviour.

I'm sure you are doing a good job but you have to find a way to feel more in control.

[mumtoo3]

its really hard when they play up like that, i have a 5 year old and i do the time out thing with her, but i have seen a consequences chart, for older children, so if they behave badly you spin this wheel and it lands on a consequence like no tv for 24hrs, or ban computers for x amount of time. this shows them that treating you disrespectfully, is unacceptable, and that all there actions pay a price.

[GooseyLoosey]

I really do sympathise. Ds is almost 5 and dd is 3 and there are entire weeks where I think that everything I have done is likely to have damaged their pysche in some way. What comforts me is that my mother apparently felt the same way and I recall her as a great mum.

I can sometimes feel my rules and desire to enforce them spiralling out of control, resulting in my having impossible expectations of the dcs and then being angry when they fail to meet them.

I have 2 strategies. I play act being a good mother - I imagine that someone is there watching me and I try and talk the way I would not mind someone overhearing.

The second is to say what I want to say but in a daft voice with funny gestures. The humour often difuses the anger on both sides and achieves a lot more than shouting would.

Do you have someone who can give you a break?

[tstar]

I suppose the old sit down and explain to them your feelings, that you dont want to yell at them and you would much prefer for you and them to all get along and have fun.

Let them know you have feelings just like they do and that we all deserve respect.
If they misbehave or upset you, you will take something of theirs away until they earn it back. with some respect or help.

Maybe start a list of all the fun things u could do together, kicking the ball around or even a puzzle or book time.

Try to have fun again.

[nickytwotimes]

I'm sorry - sounds really tough. I've no advice as my ds is only 20 mths so haven't reached this stage, just wanted to bump for you.

[notcoping]

I am actually having a bit of time out now, as I broke down in front of mum this morning.
When I told her I was struggling with them, she responded in a jokey way, saying "Fun being a mum isn't it?"
I then told her I was really reaching breaking point with them, and burst into tears.

I have been at work, which calmed me down (even though I work with children), and mum has taken them for a few hours after school.

I do try to take away treats when they behave badly. I will ban DS1 from his playstation for the evening, which is a big punishment for him.
I try to use time out with DS2, but it doesn't always work.

One morning a couple of weeks back, DS1 was playing up so badly & being so rude, that I lost it & grabbed him by the arms & pulled him quite forcefully. I had reached such a bad point. I know full well how awful this was, believe me, and I am ashamed to admit it.
DS's reaction was to grin & say "That was fun"

I really feel out of control when things get that bad. My stress levels feel through the roof just lately.

[irratible]

I think you are a very brave lady

[notcoping]

Thank you. I don't fel brave though - I feel horrible & a failure.

Read all the replies the other day, while the boys we with mum,and felt sure I was going to make changes right away.
All went wrong as soon as I got them back though. Almost the second they walked in, they started playing up,and if they weren't playing me up, they were winding each other up & yelling...so what did I do? I lost it again & shouted at DS2. All my good intentions went to pot. DS2 shouted "Hate you", and I felt disgust at the horrible mum I had become just lately. I left the house for work in tears & couldn't snap myself into work mode when got there. The woman I work with asked if all was ok because she noticed I didn't seem as with it as normal over the last week. I explained a little, but didn't go into too much detail.
I actually felt physically unwell with the stress, and knew I had to try to change things right away, so that evening I told them they would both have a new smiley face chart.
I have started this now, and the boys seem keen to get smiley faces. Their behaviour sems to have been sligtly better since starting it, so fingers crossed things may get better. I don't want to be evil mummy.

[notcoping]

Sorry about my typing - my keyboard keeps sticking!

[irratible]

You are not horrible or a failure - 2 boys on your own - that is a tall order. Can you do some nice things for yourself - get your hair cut, have a facial or go out for a drink in the evening and get a babysitter.
Can you talk to anyone - our children's centre has a behaviourable therapist and you can just drop in and discuss any worries/ difficulties

[tstar]

Well done the smiley chart sounds good.
Ill keep my fingers crossed for you.
You are trying your best and that is all we can do as mums. I cant imagine how hard it must be on your own.
I have 2 young ones so I can only sympathise with how crazy it can get.
I dont think you sound horriable or a failure either.
irritable had some great suggestions for you to treat yourself(even a little)
I guess there behavior will not change over night but with small steps.
Good luck.