How do i break the cycle of self pity and zero motivation?

[lucyellensmum]

This is driving me nuts now.

I have a whole whinging and whining thread going on in AIBU and it is just full of self pity. I HAVE to stop this - i dont want to be like this anymore. I want to be a positive, motivated person but i just feel stuck.

Im educated but never used my qualifications, i am a SAHM through choice (not a popular one - we are broke), and i just look like shit - went out today and saw myself in mirror, lank greasy hair, unwashed, unbrushed - embarrasing.

I dont want to whinge, or whine, ive done enough of that lately - i want to CHANGE, i really do - i want to be there for DP, not be there like a boulder around his neck.

I am on citalopram, i THINK thats a good thing, but its been a year now and i dont feel better, the anxiety has lessened but i feel totally drained and depressed (this was before the ADs too).

I'm clearly going to get zero help from my GP (no chance of anymore counselling on NHS - even though i was there last week telling them i am suicidal - was just told to take some supplements (even that was sort of my suggestiong "would it help if i take some vit supplements" - but to be honest, im sceptical) Then i was told, well you have to start taking responsibility for yourself, can't rely on ADs forever, i wasnt planning on doing so

I have forgotten who i am - i want to change, please help

[maidamess]

Ok, what can you do for yourself?

Haircut]Make up
exercise
hobbies
Time away from home
coffee with friends
evenings out with dh
Think about what you have got in your life that you are grateful for.

[dustystar]

Getting out for a walk in the fresh air always helps me. I think you should change Gp's though if you can. Yours doesn't sound very helpful. Citalopram may not suit you as an AD - it didn't really suit me tbh and I found venlaflaxine much better.

[lucyellensmum]

dusty, my normal GP is on maternity leave and whilst she is lovely, it was just a case of "here, take these" Her locum is horrible, i hated her within two minutes of talking to her - her opinion of me was clearly that i am a stupid drug dependent paranoid waste of her time . Even at my lowest ebb i am aware of the fact i have an illness which makes me unable to cope when the shit hits the fan etc.

My GP did suggest "tweaking" my meds because the citalopram doesnt appear to be working for me now - but i said i was too scared to change - what is venlaxflaxine, how does it work?? How did the change affect you - i would be scared scared scared

[twinsetandpearls]

Going by my rather disartrous day I should not be siving advice but here goes.

I have had a very down week but have battled my way through it by setting little targets.

So Monday I made firm arangements to go out for the day so I had to get dressed, do makeup and make an effort and I felt so much better for it.

Every evening when dp has got home we have taken the dog out for a walk , gone out for a coffee or to the shops, again so I have to make that effort.

[twinsetandpearls]

Maybe the SAHM thing needs reviewing as well if it is making you depressed and the fanily broke. My job keeps me going.

[dustystar]

Its another AD. I found that citaolpram didn't really suit me. For the first few weeks I actually felt worse as it made me feel anxious. Then that settled down and i did feel better and I was happy with that. i came off too soon though (with the GP's encouragement) and 6 months later the depression was back I went back and was offered citaolopram again so i asked if I coudl try another AD as i didn't fancy the weeks of side effects that i got from citalopram. They put me on venlaflaxine instead and I had virtually no side effects and started feeling better within 2 weeks. I stayed on it for just over a year and then felt able to come off.

[ImightbeLulumama]

venlaflaxine saved me, i am sure of it

start with teh small stuff

a shower

a hair wash

an ironed shirt

eat well

as you look and feel better, it iwll motivate you to continue and make other changes

do not try to change everything at once, it is not doable, baby steps ...

[dustystar]

I found that I felt better on venlaflaxine than i had on citalopram too.

[lucyellensmum]

twinset, thankyou so much for taking time out to answer me, i know you have had a real hard time in the recent past. I think i am going to go back and see a different doctor, i know things are a bit shit with the finances so of course that is added stress but i still dont feel "right" if you know what i mean. Thanks again everyone - doctors for me on monday

[twinsetandpearls]

No problems perhaps get yourself on a more even keel and then ask yourself what changes you could make that would make life easier for you.

[lucyellensmum]

thanks twinset - you are a teacher aren't you? How do you like it? Thinking about teaching, but im not sure i could do secondary, even though intellectually i might find that more interesting.

I can't seem to get past the whole working block, i was determined i was going to go back to work as soon as i could - but i almsot feel like i am stopping being a mummy if i go back to work - i know that is blatantly not the truth - thats how it feels which is why the decision is so hard to make - i want my identity to be mummy, not scientist/teacher/administrator/god knows what i could do....... ugggh Thats a sheepish grin that.

[posieflump]

how old is your daughter?
does she go to playgroup/pre school?
if so could you volunteer at a charity shop for a couple of hours, or even on a sat morning when dp is around to give you a bit of confidence in the working environment?

[lucyellensmum]

She is due to go to playschool in september - maybe some volunteer work would be in order, but then some work that pays some money would be a good one too - altough of course they have different rewards. I've done volunteer work in the past, quite enjoyed it.

[twinsetandpearls]

It took me a while to work up to teaching full time. I started doing voluntary work and them worked for a few hours on a part time basis for the same organisation. I them went back to teaching two days a week and then gradually to full time. I love my job but it is a hard one to balance with a family. There is a lot of stress and depression in teaching.

[lucyellensmum]

yes, sadly i know that twinset, a freind of mine had a full on nervous breakdown due to the pressure of offsted reports (he was a head of a primary school) the school got a shining recommendation from ofsted, but it nearly killed him, literally. So very sad to see a person with the most acute, dry sense of humour withdraw into himself because of the fact that he was buckling under the pressures of beurocracy (im pissed i cant spell wen im pissed). It still makes me sad to think of how that person literally stopped being XYZ and although he is still XYZ, he is a completely different person now - vulnerable, raw, sensitive. . He ADORED children, he taught because he ADORED children but that was all taken away from him by having to tick government boxes - that sadly, was the childrens loss too.

Im not sure i have the commitment and passion for teaching, i maybe will try and get some voluntary work in schools when DD goes to playschool, to see if i could have passion - its difficult because i dont have passion for anything just now - i was passionate about science once, but that, it seems, was a different person.

[twinsetandpearls]

You do need passion to make a good teacher but do not let me put you off. I work in a very very tough school in a management position so that is not really a representative sample.

[unhappy]

Hiya Lucyellensmum - hope you are OK - I feel kind of like you so want to be different but cant seem to find the motivation. Parts of my life suck but others are really good trying to be grateful for what I have got not always easy - good luck

[lucyellensmum]

good luck to you too - dont have time to post right now - but im pottering on

[MissChief]

hope it's getitng a bit better, feel for you, have similar battles myself. If you're into selfhelp CBT there are a couple of good free NHS-backed websites - www.livinglifetothefull.com
or www.beatingtheblues (latter only accessible if your GP has bought into it0

exercise is a great help or even just long, unnecessary walks to blow away the cobwebs. All these plus what others have said can add up to a formula for tackling depression. Still trying myself, it's tough but i may be slowly getting there.

[alfiesbabe]

The key thing here is baby steps as someone else said. You can't change all the things you feel are wrong with your life overnight, but what you can do is make small adjustments, and take time to do little things like try some new lipstick, cook something different for dinner, get out for a walk etc. It's honestly true that once you start to be able to take pleasure in the tiny things, other things are more likely to fall into place. Don't expect miracles, but do have the expectation that you are in charge of your life, you are a good, loving and capable person who will be happy again one day. Once you are in a better place physically and emotionally, then you are in a position to reflect on the bigger life changes you may want to make. You say your finances arent great (which I guess must be a source of worry and stress for you and your partner) and it may be that some kind of work would be best for all the family. It doesnt mean throwing yourself into a career overnight! As twinset said, most of us start gradually and build up. I run a department in a secondary school, yes, it has it's stressful moments, but I wouldnt have it any other way. When I had 3 pre-school children, I couldnt imagine ever holding a position of responsibility - but here I am!! And tbh, these days I would find it more stressful to be at home all day than working!
For most people, it is easier to remain with the status quo, even if life isnt very satisfactory. Making changes is always difficult - it's so easy to just potter along with an 'ok' kind of life rather than take a risk and maybe have a fabulous life instead. Probably at the moment, you cant imagine making changes because you're feeling so low, but it will get better, given time, and those little tiny steps in the right direction.