weirdly feeling not in my own body!

[Caththerese1973]

Hi,
I've been depressed before and I know the signs...everytime I'm not depressed I try to remind myself that when I am depressed it's a mood, it's not me. But then when I get depressed again this 'it's just a mood' notion of course loses all meaning and I just feel awful, truly awful - scared, tired, angry, guilty, panicking all the time, or, even worse, experiencing things as if I'm at some sort of remove. It's particularly bad in connection with my dd, age 5: I love her desperately but can't summon any energy or real enthusiasm for playing with her, taking her places, so there's the guilt thing happening. And she keeps telling me I don't really love her and I have to reassure her all the time. Recently I made a tough decision to stop her overnight visits to her father (we are no longer together) because these visits seemed to upset her so much, so I've said that all she needs with him right now is daytime visits. I feel like I've done the right thing but then I contemplate how hard it might be for him to not have dd overnight and I feel guilty (again). It doesn't exactly help that he keeps telling me I'm going to go to hell when I die, etc. Intellectually I don't believe in hell but I do feel as if I'm an incredibly evil person a lot of the time. I've been self-medicating with Valium (which I can't stop taking abruptly because I've been on it for months) and, I'm ashamed to confess, alcohol. I teach part time at a university and I have to take painkillers and sedatives in order to get through classes without falling apart (or at least I feel like I'm about to fall apart a lot of the time). The smallest thing sends me wailing to the laundry or bedroom to cry: every task, no matter how small, seems to misfire or take what feels like about 5,000 years to complete. I'm confused, I keep dropping things, messing things up: a typical thing that brings tears to my eyes is opening a wardrobe door to put clothes away and a whole bundle of stuff that I've inefficiently stuffed in there previously falls on top of my head (btw, this sort of thing is not because of drinking, either, this is when I'm quite sober). I can't concentrate on work (and I have tons of reading etc to do for my job), actually I feel like I can barely read sometimes. My fiance, with whom I recently moved in, thinks this is all HIS fault (which it isn't, it's just me) and he can't get it right with me: if he tries to be caring I feel irritable, if he withdraws I feel like he's trying to torment me, so what can he do? Last night we had a bad fight and he nearly went to a hotel. So today I decided to start on Lovan (Prozac) again, but from previous experience I know I can only start on about a quarter of a tablet at a time or I go jittery and feel completely sick. And even after I'm on a whole tablet it takes about 3 months before I feel any better. My child is in front of the tv all the time, I mess up all the pre-school stuff (eg, forget when it's excursion days etc). I don't know how I'm going to get through this....the Lovan does work for me but as I said it takes a while. I feel sorry for myself and then feel digusted with myself for feeling sorry for myself. I've been crying so much that I've got a permanently puffy face...I just can't seem to get along with my fiance in this sort of mood and it's so awful as I love him very much. I can't even look people in the eye....I can't make phone calls, I can't do anything, there's no comfort zone except sleep. It's getting towards evening now and I'm feeling a bit better (which I've heard is often true of depressed people - but sometimes I think this is simply because when one is depressed one knows that night and bed and not so far away and the days are so long....)
This has been an opus, I just have to blow off: usually I wouldn't have the energy. I have this feeling, which I can't shake, that I'm being punished for something or that I've done something unforgiveable. I don't know. Help me: what do other people do when they feel like this (apart from anti depressants?)

[Threadworm]

God, Cath. It's hard to know what to say. You are clearly very depressed so you must keep repeating to yourself that you are NOT to blame, that this WILL pass.

You need as much help as possible at the moment, with dc and with work. Can you take a week or so off work? Don't feel bad about DC being in front of television. Give yourself all of the leeway and compassion that you would give to anyone else if you knew they were suffering with depression.

I know all of this is stuff you have heard before. But repetition of it, like a mantra, might help to squash the completely inapropriate self-blame.
Things will get better.

[Threadworm]

And have you spoken to your doctor about the alcohol? It is a depressant. It is making you feel worse. And it combines so badly with ADs. Don't be reticent to ask doctor for help re alcohol.

[Caththerese1973]

Threadworm:
I'll bear the mantra in mind. It's hard but it does need to be remembered. you're right, too, alcohol is definitely not the answer. I know this. I use it to energise myself of an evening so I can do this, that and the other thing .... from the ulra-grim lens through which I'm currently viewing the world it seems as if there's nothing but endless horrible chores that I mess up, and then, after that, endless reading which I can't focus upon. Lately I've been having abstinent days, on purpose (eg I ask my fiance not to buy beer)and while I still feel pretty dreadful at least I don't feel so tired, or guilty, in the morning if I've had nothing to drink the night before. I'd LOVE to take time off work but feel like I can't as I'm only on short term contracts right now and there's a couple of really great jobs coming up soon, so absenteeism seems out of the question. We have a lot of financial pressure. But if I don't pick up soon I just won't be able to work, whether I want to or not, or at least that's how I feel. My inexpertise with a lot of the stuff I'm teaching will become apparent, since I can't concentrate, and then I'll just embarrass myself which is worse than not being there at all....

[Threadworm]

The lack of concentration is one of the worst symptoms of depression, I think, especially for someone in your line of work. It wrecked my academic career, and although I am far more healthy now it still undermines my work (and is the real reason for my shameful overuse of Mumsnet ).

I don't think most people realise how destructive this particular symptom is. Please be kind to yourself. Even if the thought that 'this is just the depression, it isn't me' is hard to have faith in, keep repeating it to yourself anyway.

Best wishes.

[fluffyanimal]

I really feel for you. I've been through depression myself and know how pernicious it is. I think you need to go to the GP to talk about weaning off the valium and finding the right AD. Is there any chance of you getting counselling? Universities are pretty decent employers, there may be a free staff counsellor or you may be entitled to use the student counselling service. Also, you may be entitled to some paid sick leave. Treat yourself kindly - it is OK to allow yourself not to cope for a while so that you can start getting yourself back together.

As for the teaching, don't worry - I've been flying by the seat of my pants for the last few years myself, and my students are none the wiser! Seriously, the best way to improve your professional confidence is to get yourself well and then to get back to your job when you are on top of the depression. Most universities also have loads of free workshops on how to improve your teaching.

I really would talk to both your GP and your boss and see about getting you well. You will get well, it is beatable.

[Caththerese1973]

Thanks fluffy & threadworm...i'm a bit 'slow mo' right now: i know sometimes what sylvia plath meant when she called her book about depression the bell jar - if i could offload this feeling that somehow things aren't real (indeed, this feeling that I'm not real) it would be good...that's the worst thing, it's really scarey and not the type of thing a person can get used to....

[fluffyanimal]

I know just what you mean - when I was depressed it felt like I was trapped in one of those mime glass boxes, and that my real life was going on just beyond, without me, and nobody could see that I was stuck in this glass box. Keep going, you will reconnect I promise!