I don't want to do ANYTHing apart from sleep, or lie down quietly- so embarassed that I'm so useless.

[fedup1981]

I have a clingy an almost 8 m old ds, a big disturbing family problem recently, plenty of money worries usually, a filthy horrible house and no motivation to do ANYTHING.

My ds is a bright, happy little boy who craves stimulation and wants me in the same room as him all the time, screams if I leave the room the majority of the time. He doesn't nap much during the day.

The housework has piled up so badly there's laundry and washing up everywhere, all baby's clothes need sorting as he's too big for most of them. Bills need paying, we do actually have the money for once but I need to go put it in the bank, which would mean leaving the house and I can't face it. We also need food shopping and about to run out of nappies, milk, wipes etc

I do part time work from home and I havemn't done any for about a week but I was supposed to start again properly as of yesterday and I did nothing. Part of the job involves sales calls, and I can't bring myself to do it. Baby won't sleep to let me do it, and I'm not in the right frame of mind to sell things. My dp will be very angry if I "lose" this job.

Dp doesn't help out much, if at all, in the house. He doesn't cook, doesn't clean off his own back- occasionally he will put washing on. The bins are overflowing. If I don't do the housework it just doesn't get done at all. I'm so depressed by it all, I can't face it. I'm sitting here in the same clothes I woke up in, haven't even brushed my teeth. All I've done today is feed and change ds, and made myself a coffee.

I never get any time off from ds at all, dp never hears him in the night or helps out unless nagged. I don't do much more than the basics with ds at the moment and I know he's so bored but I just want to cry. I really just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep. Or lie very still and quiet on my own. I'm sick of having responsibilities, I need to recharge, but there's just no chance as dp works so he gets to watch tv and sit about when he gets home and on weekends. The only time I tidy up recently is half an hour before dp gets home as I'm ashamed of what he'll say.

I've just been prescribed citalopram for my anxiety etc. I haven't told the doctor I can't do anything as I'm so embarassed and scared I'll be put on some kind of watch list. Wtf is wrong with me? I feel so sorry for my baby. This isn't what I want for him at all but I feel so tired and numb I can't cope with anything except caring for him.

[fedup1981]

Next time I'll write BUMSEX in the title...

[RiaisMaLarkin]

If you haven't told your GP any of this you must, as soon as possible. Maybe the citalopram isn't right for you/side effects are making you feel worse (I had to stop taking it because it made my panic attacks worse). Your GP might be able to arrange some counselling.
Have you spoken to your HV - they might be able to put you in touch with surestart/homestart?
Do you have any family/close friends nearby who you could confide in or might help you get on top of things/give you a break? Can you talk to your DP?

It is very hard to go through the situation you're in. I am on the upside of the battle just now but I have been where you are.

Hang on in there, I hope things become brighter soon. Take care and keep posting.

[oranges]

Oh poor you. Your post really struck a chor.

right, trust me, you CANNOT work and makes sales calls unless someone else is looking after the baby.

Trust me, I tried the whole 'work when the baby sleeps' thing and it made me shockingly depressed. You certainly can't do that and the housework. When your partner gets home tonight, eitehr tell him to clear up, or have him hold the baby while you do. And it's okay to put him down, in the cot, while you straighten things up. A little bit of shouting will not hurt him, especially if he can see you are still in the room.

[ruthmollymummy]

I didn't want to not reply but I'm afraid I can't do much other than sympathise. I feel almost exactly the same, like really. My only one ray of hope is that my mother lives nearby and can sometimes take my dd (7months old) but she makes me feel really guilty for putting her out. It's a vicious cycle but if you manage to break it it becomes a positive cycle.
today i havent brushed my teeth, im still in my jammies, dd is in her play seat amusing herself for once and i'm just sitting here rather than tidying.
Try going for a quick walk this afternoon, stick on some baggy clothes or stay in your jammies! walk around the block, if your ds is like my dd then he'll enjoy it. and it'll distract you. try it, just 5 minutes. x

[Cappuccino]

you do seem to have an awful lot on your plate

working at home with an 8 month old is practically impossible - does your dp realise this?

have you looked at any childcare options or would this mean more money worries? it might mean that your child tax credit would go up

and I think I would tell your dp to take a running jump personally. If he isn't doing any housework then I would stop doing his washing for a start, if he expects you to look after the house, baby and do a job

you are both expecting too much of you

[fedup1981]

Thanks, I know it's crap but I just needed to talk to someone. I normally speak to my sister but I feel guilty for constantly leaning on her. She comes over most weeks for a couple of hours to occupy baby while I tidy up but I'm so starved of company a lot of the time I don't tidy I just sit and chat with her. The house never gets fully done.

I haven't started taking the citalopram yet, was only prescribed it yesterday. It does sound like it might help with my anxiety and pmt. I didn't think I was depressed but just because I don't have feelings of immense sadness doesn't mean Im not dperessed I spose- the constant tiredness and lack of motivation are symptoms of depression aren't they?

Haven't told HV I don't want her thinking I can't cope with my baby. I am supposed to be having counselling but the appointents take a couple of months to come through, it should be through in the next few weeks though. I would have told the doctor more but he has no bedtime manner at all, looks down his nose at me everytime I go in, whatever I see him about.

[Sooootired]

I agree with what everyone else says - I also tried the 'work when the baby sleeps' thing and it nearly killed me....and clingy babies are INCREDIBLY hard work even without job and housework too. You have a lot to deal with, it probably isnt surprising you feel rubbish.

Go and talk to doc or HV if you have a good one. They may be able to help with medication or perhaps with practical ideas eg I know I live near a nursery nurse training college and the trainees are often looking for mums with babies to visit and help out a couple of mornings a week for the experience etc. Perhaps there is something similar near you? You really do need some help. Else you could do what I have done when DP said something crap - disappear for a day and leave him to the childcare and see how much housework he gets done! He needs to appreciate what you've got on your plate.

It will get better even if you just sit it out, speaking from my own experience...for one thing my baby got a whole lot easier to deal with when he started to walk, he was more independent and contented....but it will get better a whole lot quicker if you can get some kind of help. So good luck, tackle one small thing at a time, and go and talk to someone...

[RiaisMaLarkin]

Is there a different GP you could see?

You are right about depression being more than feeling sad. I would hazard a guess that you have symptoms, but have no experience to back that up other than being a "fellow sufferer". Your HV should be supportive and shouldn't judge, they are supposed to watch out for PND I believe.

ruthmollymummy suggested a walk and I would second that. The fresh air might help your DS sleep more. If you can't face meeting anyone do you live somewhere where it would be safe for you to have a quick once round the block after DS has gone to bed at night when DP is there to listen out for him? It won't matter how you're dressed in the dark!

I suppose toddler groups would be a good suggestion to get you some company, but as a serial avoider of such things I can't push you in that direction

Must go, yelling baby with chicken pox. Good luck.

[jenpet]

Do you think if you just felt a bit more organised and "in-control" it would help you? I tried to put myself in your shoes and this is what would work for me ;

• Tell DP you need to get a cleaning company in to blitz the house. Then it will be easier to keep on top of in future. It's got to be up to you to decide if you can push him into doing more, but can you say maybe he cooks at the weekend, or some other regular thing?
  
• Look at putting DS into some form of childcare, perhaps just for one or two mornings a week - he will benefit from the alternative stimulation/socialisation etc, and you will feel motivated to work & make the most of your time while you have it.
  
• In the afternoons he will possibly be more tired after the extra activity & take more regular naps, maybe not, but whatever, you will feel more able to enjoy him, knowing you've had a productive morning.
  
  As I said, this may be way off mark for you, but it would help me. Good luck anyway.

[fedup1981]

Thanks soootired (and everyone who has responded) I suppose what is/was making it worse was I know someone with a 14m old baby who says it's ten times worse now he can walk as she can't turn her back for one minute without him climbing up something, pouring something into something else, scribbling, ripping, destroying.... and she says he's still clingy even though he can move he prefers to sit in the middle of the floor a few feet away from her and just scream.

I'm dreading ds getting mobile, I couldn't cope with all that yet.

[fedup1981]

Oh I'd loe a cleaner to help me get right. I have the money for once too (just sold something) but I think dp would highly disapprove. Maybe I could get someone to come in the day though so he wouldn't know?

[nickytwotimes]

Hi fed up. You do have an awful lot on your palte and I agree with the others that you need some practical help as well as support. Can I also just say that I found it easier when ds became mobile. ALthough there is more mess, he is much more contented and can entertain himself for short periods.

[jenpet]

I think just for once you need to forget what DP might like or not like and do what YOU need to make it right for you. It's not selfish, you need to do this for all your sakes!!

[fedup1981]

Thanks nicky, I really hope my ds goes that way too. My friend with the 14month old just says she never has a moments peace, or a moment to herself. Wouldn't be that much different to how it is now though!

[RiaisMaLarkin]

coping with mobile DCs is all about organisation in our house - keeping things out of reach he shouldn't have, having plenty within reach he can have, safety gates, clear low shelves, fireguards etc. My house has been "child friendly" for 11 years now due to the age gaps of my DCs and looks like a bloody nursery most days. Don't know how I'll cope when they're all grown up.

If you do "achieve" something, eg cleaning the kitchen, sorting the laundry, whatever, does it make you feel better because you've done something? No judgements being made BTW, just a thought. I sometimes vary between no activity and wanting to sleep all the time etc, to almost manic cleaning and tidying.

I am really for you.

[RiaisMaLarkin]

... and I think I feel better on the active days. But sometimes it does get to the state where I think FFS I can't be arsed.

I'm not helping now. Sorry. Just want you to understand you are not alone etc.

[Cappuccino]

have you tried flylady?

that could helpp you get on top of the house

[Sooootired]

Well, toddlers are all different but my life got hugely easier when my LO got active when he was about 1, as I said he was happier for one thing, but also there seemed to be more things that I could do with him (Im not that good at the cooing and shaking rattles stage of motherhood) so don't dread it, its a laugh messing around with a toddler. Well, ok, apart from the odd bout of terrible twos!!

But the other thing that helped me was when I realised that my mood problems were hormonal - I notice you mention PMT? Well, I didnt get it before baby, but blimey, it was awful afterwards. I suddenly realised I felt fine for the first 10 days of my cycle and vile the other 18/20. So I planned my life accordingly, ie got stuff done when I was up, and accepted I was going to hide away a bit when I was down. I would have gone on the pill or something but was planning another pregnacy (idiot!!)and couldn't. As it happens I have DS2 now, still breast feeding so no periods but I am very aware that most likely I am going to take a mood tumble when periods start again. I shall be staight back to the doc for the pill. My GP was great...perhaps you need a sympathetic female GP too...?

[RiaisMaLarkin]

I was going to suggest the fly threads too, just to give you an element of "feeling in control".

good luck.

[runawayquickly]

I tried Citalopram before with the same effects - tired, rooted to the sofa and watching bloody Car Booty while chaos ensued all around. Could hardly lift my eyelids to see the filth and mess that was my house but it did get better after about six weeks. Glad to report it gets better... hang in there. Wishing you luck xx

[fedup1981]

I'm not on the citalopram yet! [alarmed emoticon]

[KMUN]

To give you some reassurance: Citalopram was brilliant for me. Took 2-3 weeks to kick in, but honestly one day it felt like a dark cloud had been lifted up and I was able to get stuff into perspective and start getting on with my life. Have a quiet word with your HV; there is a big directive on PND and they should have some good advice on local support to be accessing alongside the drugs. It really is so common, so don't worry about 'watch-lists'. If you're not starting to feel a bit better by 4 weeks of starting them, get your GP to switch you onto something else - certain types don't always suit everyone. Stay on them until you've had at least 2-3 months of feeling good and don't come off without advice/supervision.

Something else that helped me, alongside some counselling, was making a list of realistic and affordable treats - really simple stuff like going out for a hot chocolate, walk in the park, getting a magazine, doing my make-up, sorting out a drawer, haircut, and picking one off could really cheer-up a day.

Good luck and take care.

[runawayquickly]

Sorry - misread your first post. Erm... the magic pills are working, honest!

[RiaisMaLarkin]

I should apologise too! Citalopram worked for the depression (a bit) but my panic attacks seemed to get worse. But different anti-depressant suit different people. I have tried loads, so stick with it, and if it doesn't suit you go back to your GP and get a different one. And I second KMUN about "watch lists", you are caring for your DS, just struggling with other things, you are not a neglectful parent or any of the other things that worry them and they are there to help you. There is no shame in asking for help.

Really really good luck to you. I hope the fog clears soon.