if you have depression how do you want to be talked to/handled/thougt of..?

[hermykne]

my sister has it. she doesnt take any drugs but would use st j wort.
shes self employed / in her early 30's, single and her life probably isnt what she inagined aged 20.
i find if i say stuff to her she gets huffy or gives me a withering look as to what do oyu know.
she expects people to call her to ask how she is and i thik she shouldnt really expect anything of anyone as one can be dissappointed. and if she needs to tell someone something she should ask for their ear..instead of being in a mood that i'm afraid to approach and then you get lambasted for not understanding.

she did tell me her depression was caused by single event - her heart broken, about 2/3 yrs after a very short romance. but i sometimes think she gets carried away with her imagination and did so as a child, maybe being let down before is a major impact but i just dont know how to positively handle this....
and i get hthe feeling once a man came into her life then she'd forget she been like this. maybe thats cruel of me. i dont knw

any help tia

[TotalChaos]

she sounds rather hard work. depression can make you self-absorbed. but it's not even clear from your description whether she's just pissed off with her life/stuck in a rut, rather than clinically depressed. what sort of things does she resent you saying, out of interest?

[gigglewitch]

my thoughts too TC. haven't heard anything very clinically depressed, more lack of interest?

[hermykne]

TC if she mentions something at work and i say look sis do you not think yu should do this or what are you at doing that..she can just be narky to my help.
she has had the diagnosis and was presribed anti d but came off as she put on weight on her skinny frame. she wouldnt go back on them.

the other night in my house she was babysitting and locked our internal hall door by mistake so i had to ring the bell to get in,she came down from bed all narky and i tried to point at the loc k and she shouts i know i know i have to find the key...it was so aggitated when all she had to say was oh i too it out and here it is. she can make a big deal out simple things.

i sent her a note telling her to tell me what she wants in her life and to get rid of the s* , to not expect people to come knocking on her door, they dont on mine,

i know her reaction will have been - she hasnt a clue, its easy for her she has kids and is married,.
my husband tells me to get a grip if i act remotely like her.
and i feel i cant tell her to do the same because she doesnt understand that dynamic of a relationship.

[hermykne]

tc and gw what is the thing that you would see as being depression in a person - not getting up , bed in the daytime, she would do that. she would work til 4/5 am and say she s so disorganised ( which i thin she is)

but tell me what exactly is the clinical diagnosis - thanks for commenting btw.

[dontwanttogetoutofbed]

gently, with a whooooooooooole lot of patience to all the mood swings, and a sensitivity to the irrationaly thinking

[TotalChaos]

according to Mind, these are amongst the symptoms of depression:-

------

But, if you tick off five or more of the following symptoms, it's likely you're depressed.

• being restless and agitated
  
• waking up early, having difficulty sleeping, or sleeping more
  
• feeling tired and lacking energy; doing less and less
  
• using more tobacco, alcohol or other drugs than usual
  
• not eating properly and losing or putting on weight
  
• crying a lot
  
• difficulty remembering things
  
• physical aches and pains with no physical cause
  
• feeling low-spirited for much of the time, every day
  
• being unusually irritable or impatient
  
• getting no pleasure out of life or what you usually enjoy
  
• losing interest in your sex life
  
• finding it hard to concentrate or make decisions
  
• blaming yourself and feeling unnecessarily guilty about things
  
• lacking self-confidence and self-esteem
  
• being preoccupied with negative thoughts
  
• feeling numb, empty and despairing
  
• feeling helpless
  
• distancing yourself from others; not asking for support
  
• taking a bleak, pessimistic view of the future
  
• experiencing a sense of unreality
  
• self-harming (by cutting yourself, for example)
  
• thinking about suicide.

[BigBadMouse]

this should help answer that question hermy.

tbh, I guess it would be pretty obvious how to fake the results to make it looked like you were depressed if you wanted to but actually there are some things you just would not / could not admit in much detail if you were depressed. You could maybe fake this test result but not truely show the symptoms of depression.

She is lucky to know what caused her depression btw (and for it only to be a single event) for many of us we have no idea or it was a long string of stuff which led to it.

Personally, from what you describe, I am not convinced. Many sufferers are very 'humble' (for want of a better word) and tend to blame themselves for everything, not others in the way she is doing. Sorry hard to explain, just don't get the right feeling about this. Hopefully someone more articulate (a 3 yr old for eg) will come along and explain it better.

btw - I like to be handled, talked to and thought of as completely normal and do not expect to be treated any differently - I think this as the norm. How about others???

[hermykne]

so does patience mean say nothing or ring up with a fake "how are you?"

please more tactics

[TotalChaos]

obviously GP's (assuming that's who diagnosed her) aren't as expert as psychiatrists/psychologists, but fair enough, if a GP diagnosed her, he's got better qualifications than us lot!

[hermykne]

BBm thank s for that and your desribtion , humble thats interesting , shes not that.

Tc, she does tick more than 5 of those things but i feel with her she knows how to change but is self absorbed and wont.

she hasnt told either our our parents and this i dont understand, she talk s to both of them but wont ask for the help if thats the right word.
she was referred to a psychiatrist, but she paid privately for it and sees a councillor biweekly i think.

[hatwoman]

hk - I have to agree slightly with what the otehrs are saying. I was going to respond to your op by saying that when I had depression I couldn't have given a monkey's arse how people talked to me or handled me. classic clinical depression is characterised by utter lack of interest. in anything. it's like nothing can touch you. It's like someone switched your brain off. some people say it feels like being in a huge hole. I'd go further than that - it doesn't feel at all. you can get up, eat, go to work, while all this is going on. at its worst you come to what seems like a logical conclusion - that if you can;t feel you might as well as not exist.

now I'm no expert - I'm giving you my own experience - which I also know to be fairly. typical. being narky, huffy, offended are not usually associated with depression.

having said all that perhaps your sister needs just a bit of tlc. a bit of comfort. tea and sympathy. a reminder she's loved? from what you've said she doesn't seem to be responding to the kick up the arse approach. just be there for her. tell her you're there.

when you are depressed

[hatwoman]

that last line wasn;t meant to be there. also I didn;t mean to sound like I thought you were giving her a kick up the arse. but, "look sis do you not think you should do ..." does sound a wee bit like that. don't make suggestions - other than ones that are ways in which she can work out her own solutions.

[BigBadMouse]

There you go....hatwoman explained it better

I would say she has given a good approach to take too.

btw, my parents still don't know about my illness - even after 13 years (but my sister does) .

[gigglewitch]

well put, hatwoman
it is that total "living in a fog bubble" thing, nothing seems real, like you are looking through glass or something, don't really give a sh1t about anyone and sod the social niceties, and also want to avoid social contact wherever possible.
Does that make any sense?

[dontwanttogetoutofbed]

hmmmm. patience means not getting fed up with trying to ask her (gently) how she is, and trying to decipher from what she is saying (which may require patience) what she really needs, and then trying to offer her help with whatver it is, or to lighten her mood (gently).

it is not easy to ask for help (as you say she should ask for an ear)

depressive people think very negative thoughts most of the time and may be afraid to approach because they think they will fail/aren't interesting/ are boring...etc

ask me more specific things i'll try to help

[dontwanttogetoutofbed]

from my experience its very hard to help a depressed person. intervention such as a doctor, medication, long term treatment program, alternative treatment, nlp - whatever works for her - might be most effective as you may find you are stuck being nice and thoughtful but the person on the other side is lost and needs a whole life support system to resurface.

[gigglewitch]

Is it more work-related? being self-employed can be pretty stressful, from my family experience.

[hermykne]

yes GW it could be, shes under lots of pressure from diiff clients.

hatwoman thanks for your explanation and tthe others too, from i read here she isnt what some of you have experienced,

its just i worry, get fed up worrying and think jesus can we not move this on and be positive, shes generally pro active in her social diary.

thanks again for your thoughts