Bipolar.....overpowering anxiety and restlessness...can't sleep, can't stop thinking

[ZippiBabes]

....I don't expect any answers I just couldn't lie still in the dark any longer. i am desperate to leave the house and walk or drive but it was 3 am when I started feeling like this and that isn't a good time to do those things. My arms are aching like mad and my hands feel really clammy. i am feeling horribly anxious, justifiably so as i have things to feel anxious about but they are still the same things so nothing has changed except in my head.

This is a really bad time of year for me and this is the first year I have felt I have no one to turn to. However much I try and ignore things they still seem to come found again like this. I find it impossible to believe that things can keep going round and round for ever. It is too strange to have an internal clock that however much you look the other way and try to over come it it still won't ever stop.

Today is the anniversary of my dad's death and it still makes me cry it seems to have always been a part of this cycle. I am just typing this because it is a way of trying to get it out of my head.

I wish I felt depressed because I think that would be easier than this tension and misery on speed feeling...I know it will disappear eventually I just can't think how long it might go on for and I just can't bear it at the moment. I just don't feel very strong. i have used up too much of my being a survivor stuff for the moment.

i am hoping that part of this is pmt but i don't know if it is, maybe that is wishful thinking..i hate being unable to stop winding myself up and up..it's impossible to explain..if you are depressed you feel lethargic at leas t I do but this is like crying and wanting to just do almost anything to stop feeling so tense

That's the ponly reason I am posting on here because I it means my hands are mving which helps a bit and because I am concentrating really hard on typin which slightly takes the uncontrolled feelings away. If I am typing then i can only pursue one train of thought and not hundreds of competing ones. It's also a relief to find that i can just type.

if yoiu read this then thank you, and don't worry I shall feel better later ...i will find some hidden resources

[daizydoo]

Sorry to hear its the anniversary of your fathers death. Also sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, hope your day gets better.

[ZippiBabes]

Thank you Daizydoo..I have such a headache because I can't stop thinking and i keep holding my breath without realising it

ironically i wanted to try and catch up on sleep because I have a busy weekend ahead but there is no chance of sleeping

I have so many things I have to do and they all seem impossible and i am too whizzing to do anything because if i try and think about doing one thing i can't because i have to try and do another and i can't actually focus to do anything..and I am too scared to committ myself and so many things depend on something else and i don't want to contact people because I just don't want to have to deal with them..

I can't even think of making a list because it's gpoing to overwhelm me and I am having a recurrent feeling that i get where there are really essential things I haven't done and also I have had the total amnesia affect too where i can't remember basic things and that frightens me..

[ZippiBabes]

I switched on my heating the electric blanket and wore my dressing gown and went made the mistake of trying to go back to sleep about 6.30 and had some very odd and vivid dreams

now i will have to rush if i am goinmg to get college in time and i don't know whether to force myself to go...i fi i don't go it is such a slippery slope..but i am just losing the will to make myself do things

[FrannyandZooey]

Zippi I am really sorry to read this
and sorry to hear it is the anniversary of your dad's death
are you thinking about him a lot or is it more the significance of the date?
the anxiety you describe sounds terrible
does exercise help at all?

[yurt1]

Zippi- do you have a professional you can talk to? If you do it sounds as if it would be a good time to get hold of them.

If you can manage college it would probably be good to go.

Are you on any meds for this?

[moopymoo]

hi zippi. my dh is bipolar and your post really reached out to me. going in to college is a good idea, get in the shower and go. even if your head is not there you will be there in body better than staying at home and letting it make you more anxious.

[ZippiBabes]

thank you I am going to go

No I don't have any meds or mental health care..my experience of medication was was too awful..I manage myself

I have missed my exercise the last few weeks because i have been struggling to kep up with college and home things

But I am hoping to go to the gym this pm which will help

[FrannyandZooey]

I hope college goes ok
don't forget to eat lots of f+v [fuss]

[yurt1]

Hope you start to feel better today.

[slim22]

Honey you need to unwind. Maybe take something to sleep tonight and reassess.
Don't go on spinning. Are you on your own at home? Can someone watch the signs with you?
Can you sit down with a loved one to talk about your dad. Just grieve and let go for today.
XXX

[ZippiBabes]

I'm trying so hard..I just wish there was a reward of being normal at the end of all the shite effort

and as well as mising my dad tho he died when i was 17 so i have had time to get over it i am missing exdp as he is the only one that really understood..I guess he didn't either tho eventually

anyway will get myself together and thank you for being there

[Vacua]

I don't know about normal but you will feel better than you do now, one thing you can rely upon with an ever shifting cycle of moods.

Hope today is easier than expected, be gentle with yourself.

[slim22]

Zippi, I don't need to remind you it's not just about "pulling yourself together" when you are bipolar.
If you are not well don't let it spiral out of control.
Take good care of yourself. You know yourself better than anyone.
We never get over the loss of loved one. Sane or Not. We just learn to cherish their memory.

[ZippiBabes]

I have been to college..I am feeling tired and trying to persuade myself to go to the gym

I'd rather go to bed but that is so much the easy option this minute..of course last night all i wanted was to be able to keep moving

sorry for maoning

[FrannyandZooey]

oh zippi
how about just going to the gym for a bit and see how you feel?

[slim22]

Gym great idea.
Then you'll have good fatigue & restful sleep.

[ZippiBabes]

I went to the gym and also did my 60 slightly shortened because of the swimming class lengths

I am dying my hair tonight

I have got my head more calm as raf as thi nking is concerned but I shall see what happens

thank youi for the support it does make a difference

I am rather nevous about the wekend..I hope i don't go too weird tho i am an expert at appearing normal..tho that in itself is stressful because it involves huge amounts of double think

[Vacua]

Glad your thinking has calmed down a bit, what is happening at the weekend? I hope you've had some rest by then and are feeling better anyway.

Just curious as to what your experiences were on medication, what were you taking? Your description of 'misery on speed' sounds a bit like a mixed episode - although I've never understood the difference between that and agitated depression and dysphoric hypomania.

[ZippiBabes]

yes vacua it is like a mixed episode...i don't know what the other things are I'm not up with the terminology

it's like a mixed episode but i have had them go on for weeks with literally no sleep which does send you into total insanity/psychosis/suicidal but i am feeling a lot better i am just scared of going there

I keep getting these spikes like this and then it seems to be able drop back to something more acceptable

I haven't been exercising much the last few weeks because i haven't had time and i think that has built up as well and i have also had a long period of being quite high..possibly..i think

my life has got very complicated

[FrannyandZooey]

zippi what colour are you doing your hair?

glad the gym worked out

trying to appear normal while feeling very hyper / anxious sounds bloody awful

[ZippiBabes]

ok i looked up dysphoric hypomania

a mixed episode to me is the physical need to move eg driving very fast, walking, fidgeting, having the tv on at the asme time as being on the pc and listening to music and finding everything happening too slowly but paradoxically also thinking much too fast so it is impossible to remember what you read and havignlots of thoguhts at the same time which are very stresful

it is like a rushing towards a peak and your body hurts or in my case my arms hurt

you can't stop thinking and you think about everything things that have ever happened and you ahve a feeling of all sorts of important stuff that you must do but you can't stop long enough to do it

alcohol helps a bit but if you feel suicidal that just becomes an enabling factor same if you have medication it is just something which you can keep taking

so you are just chasing some peace from your head

I am not explaining this very well

i have a terrible headache

I don't normally ever get headaches but the last couple of days my head is banging

[ZippiBabes]

of course it's not a silly post...i find it impossible to express what i mean

it's hard isn't it?

i wrote a post saying that i am just going to dye my hair normal i was thinking about doing red bits but i am doing it the same as you saw me i wrote this post already but didn't psot it i think

i am doing loads at the weekend i am seeing a japanese pop band and going to two or three art exhibitions and i am seeing some old uni friends tomorrow and then going to london on saturday and doing all that stuff and going out for a meal and the pop gig and i don't know what goes on on sunday maybe staying in bed ahem of walkig somewhere or something

i ahve quite a lot of driving to do..

[ZippiBabes]

vacua are you bipolar or are you a medical person i can't remember im sure i did know..you always sound very authoritative