Sorry... feeling low

[dillinger]

Ive suffered with depression on and off now since I was 17/18. I have been to various counselling, a stress management course and been put on two different types of anti depressants. (Came off these a few years ago.)

Im 7 months pregnant and have an almost 2 year old son. Im finding things really hard to cope with. Im worried about the birth (have a thread in childbirth 'c or v?'), I have my driving test coming up in a few weeks (petrified by nerves so has taken me 6 years to get back to the point where I feel ready to try again.) Have been posting on the driving thread in other subjects. Im finding the nerves so hard to cope with. Its all I can think about.

I dont have family near me, and dont have friends I can talk to. My nerves have always held me back, and I let them. A few times its felt like Im having a breakdown, it scares me and I cant cope. DP is lovely and has shown me so much patience but I think hes at a loss for what else he can do to help. I wonder if its all the hormones running through me that are emphasising how Im feeling and making things worse. Its that that is stopping me from going to the docs just yet. Im wondering if its better to wait until after the birth. (Ive only recently moved to the surgery near me so dont know the doctors yet etc) I feel like a really crap mum because I lack the confidence to go out with my son. Some days I dont leave the house and dont have an adult convo until dp comes home. I have panic attacks and feel v anxious and although Ive learnt how to handle them they still stop me. I really wanted this year to be a good one but Ive had such a bad time lately. I wanted to take my son to toddler groups this year but I cant face it. Im massive at the moment and dont feel at ease or whatever in my maternity clothes, Im not enjoying this pregnancy I just want it to all be done so I can get back to normal. DP has said then maybe to not worry about all this at the mo (well try not to) and once I feel more comfortable in myself to then give it a go. (DS goes to nursery one morning a week.) After I had ds I got pnd and I wonder if Ive ever really got over it, or if any of the things Ive tried have helped. Maybe this is just how Im meant to be?

Ive never been able to hold down a job and I dont understand why and Im already worried about not being able to find employment when the time comes. I want to go to college in sep but I blush so bad and the nerves are crippling that I know I'll back out and let myself and dp, dc down again. We live in a council house in a really nice area (2 bed) and already Im worrying that we'll get moved to somewhere horrible once this baby is older and we need another room. I let everything build up and make such huge deals of things and then I dont know how to handle things. I dont want to go on the tablets again as they didnt help after a while except make me numb and they were a nightmare to get off, but sometimes I dont think I have any choice. Sometimes I wish I didnt make the decision to have children because I dont think Im any good as a mother. Im not the right kind of role model. I have no motivation for anything anymore and I dont know what to do. I know my life is just passing me by and that makes me feel worse but I still dont know what/how Im meant to go about doing anything about it.

Sorry for the huge post

[lulumama]

ok, first of all, you don;t need to apologise

secondly, no point worrying about everything now !!

you need to break things down into what needs sorting first

birth

newborn stage

college

job

move house

they are a lot of big things to deal with ! certainly most people would struggle to cope with all of that ..

you need to break things down into chunks

i am pretty sure i have commented on your c v v thread..and there are lots of us around who can offer support in that way

there is such a thing as ante natal depression......or it might be you have never got over your PND

there is no shame in going back on ADs, if you had a chronic pain you would take pain killers...so this is an illness that needs treating too....

your life is not passing you by, but you are worrying, anxious and depressed and that is stopping you from enjoying life.

there are things you can do to change that

counselling and medication will help you take control

there are definitely mumsnetters in your area!

have you thought about getting in touch with sure start, they can provide help and support for you

[dillinger]

Thanks, yes you did post on the other post! I know I worry ahead of things far too much.

I agree with breaking things into stages and trying to just concentrate on the things closest, but I find it hard to switch off. My mind races and it feels like things will never change.

I guess the first thing is to go and see a gp now, rather than wait until after the baby.

[lulumama]

definitely , go to the docs, be frank and open with him/ her and take it from there. there will be a way to feel better.

[dillinger]

Saw a doc today, he was very nice and took me completely seriously which was I fear I had - not sure if what I was worried about were really things to get to me so badly. I was surprised at how much I said to him - I was contemplating cancelling the appointment as I felt 'ok' but once I got talking, the tears came and I ended up in quite a state but Im glad I went.

He phoned me this afternoon to say that another doctor would like to see me tomorrow morning, and he had been in touch with the practise counsellor (sp?) and after I spoke to him the counsellor rang me and we've arranged to meet next thurs. Im not sure how Im going to manage seeing her more often though as she's only meeting me on thurs as a one off, after that it would have to be another time in the week but thurs mornings are the only time my son is in nursery so Im unsure of childcare for him. Dp has said he'll speak to his boss and see if they can come to an agreement. The counsellor didnt sound very 'nice' on the phone tbh but thats prob just me. Nothing ventured nothing gained hey! Im a little anxious about meeting her but things cant be as bad as theyve been lately.