Getting to the end of it now.

[QuietlyGoingMad]

Can't do it anymore. Just want to open the bottle and swim in it. fed up of being married, fed up of being mum, fed up of everything and I want to run away.

[cluckiemama]

Hi, Why do you feel so bad? Is it hormonal? Or are you just having a bad day?

[QuietlyGoingMad]

Trying to beat depression with an endless bottle of wine. Having a bad epoch.

[ohforaname]

Sounds bad qgm. I have just got over a bad epoch - timed itself nicely with a chest infection! Isn't nature bluddy marvellous

Is the wine helping or do you need someone to chat to?

[QuietlyGoingMad]

No, the wine doesn't help because that just causes arguments in and of itself. And Dh is being a dick tonight, and he thinks he's being funny.

[Divastrop]

sorry-whats an epoch?[ignorant emoticon]

men can be such tossers when you are feeling crap sometimes,trying to 'cheer you up' by making 'jokes'

are you on any ad's or getting any treatment?

[QuietlyGoingMad]

Not on AD's now, had a bit of an episode at the end of last year and came off all AD meds. On plenty of other stuff though, ha bloody ha.

I'm just fed up of feeling like this, staring into space, knowing what I've got to do but just not be capable of doing it, but for no obvious reason.

[QuietlyGoingMad]

Sorry Divastrop - and Epoch is an enormously long time.

[Divastrop]

ah,i see

have you felt this crappy then got better before?thats the only thing i can hold on to when i feel really down.

[QuietlyGoingMad]

Yes, I have. Good thought. It's hard to believe right now, but it has happened.

[ohforaname]

I understood epoch to mean.....period !!!!

Sorry, I don't mean to joke (I am laughing at my stupidity).

Agree with divastrop about reminding myself I've got over stuff before. Can you think of things that helped you before when you felt like this?

It sounds like you are in a really hard place. Can you tell us more about what's been going on?

[ohforaname]

Are you still there QGM?
You sound really low. Is there anyone else in RL you can talk to? My DP can also be a twat when I am low. He tries, but just doesn't understand and it can make me feel more lonely.

It sounds like you think drinking (and the other stuff?) might make things worse for you - any chance you can limit yourself tonight, and may be see someone tomorrow about how you're feeling? Dr, friend, family? Or just come back on here if it helps.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve to find a way out of these feelings, and may be just need some extra support at the moment.

[QuietlyGoingMad]

Yes, I'm still here, but no-one else will be. Been sobbing so hard tonight I'm shaking. He got the message in the end. Probably will get the message rught out the door eventually. nO more than I deserve reaLLY.
I wish I could stop doing this.

[mummylin2495]

i dont know you but just wanted you to know there are still people on here at this time of the night if you need to talk to someone.Im sorry you are so unhappy and hope things will improve for you soon.

[ohforaname]

Sounds like you need some help, and believe it or not, you're doing the right thing - looking for it. Keep coming on mn and shout loudly if you need support, people will hear you, if you keep trying.

You say your dh has got the message, have you been able to get across to him how badly you are feeling?

FWIW I think any mum that doesn't feel like throwing the towel in at some point in their lives must be an alien!!

But like you've already said, you've had bad times before and have found a way through them - I know it doesn't feel like it but you have got it in you to do it again. Whatever it is you feel you've done wrong, or makes you deserve your DH to leave, you CAN sort it out. I think you just need to get some rest, sleep it off and start again tomorrow. But as mummylin says, there are usually people around on here if you need them. I for one must go to bed....will check on this thread tomorrow. Take care x

[mummylin2495]

how are you feeling today qgm ?

[QuietlyGoingMad]

Oh, thankyou mummylin. Struggling, really. Had a chat with Dh, and he was trying to be understanding, but he was doing the typical male thing of trying to solve the problem.

It ended up with a load of questions; "Is it the kids?" "School?" "The house?" etc.

Trying to explain that no, everything should be fine, it's just me, inside. 7+ years with me, you think he might have been able to comprehend that depression just is sometimes.

I haven't been on any meds for a couple of months now - I overdosed in November. I just have this awful feeling of dread all the time, like I've left the cosmic oven on or something.

[lulumama]

i like the cosmic oven idea

there is always something, isn't there, when you are low, that you know just needs to be sorted, and your brain is always working, never quiet, never letting you rest , until you remember what it is....

you can do it

really , you can

time to get some more therapy, more meds, more help

[mummylin2495]

do you think it would help to talk to your doctor again ? Im afraid to say that some men will never understand women.You probably feel like a dark cloud hanging over you at the moment ,but it will lift eventually.you have to believe in that and if you need to, seek medical help.If it helps you by just having people to talk to then you have come to the right place.There are a lot of people on here with similar probs and maybe you can help each other.Take each day as it comes ,dont worry about tomorrow,small but confident steps will get you where you want to be.

[QuietlyGoingMad]

lulu, you're right, something needs to give. I can't do meds again, really I can't. I had an extreme reaction to an AD last year, and then I overdosed on the valium they gave me to calm down. Don't even know if it was deliberate now. I just wanted to go into a coma, I think.

But anyway, there's something else, something that's sort of an undercurrent and I can't put my finger on it. Just so long trying to squish myself into being someone I'm not, perhaps. I think that's what's niggling me.

I'm just so fed up of it - either strung out on nervous energy or so low I just stare and can barely even nod.

[mummylin2495]

in view of your bad reactions to your ads last year do you think you could bear to try a different sort ?

[Divastrop]

what ad's did you have a bad reaction to?have you tried any others?

i can relate to trying to be something you're not.ive been doing that for so long i cant remember who i really am.i am having group CBT for self-esteem issues(when it re-starts).it hasnt started properly yet but i have heard from lots of people that CBT is really helpful.

my husband is ok when it comes to understanding depression,my mum is a different matter.she says 'what have you got to be depressed about?there must be something making you unhappy?'

[lulumama]

i had to try various ADs at various doses until found one that actually worked !!! 175 mg of effexor, reducing to 150 mg after 2 weeks.... i felt better within 2 -3 days

[Divastrop]

i came off effexor last month as it wasnt working for me,and am now on prozac again,which is doing its magic i think!

every drug is different,and work differently for different people.i didnt want to try AD's again after having a bad do with cipralex(?) a couple of years ago but it got to the point i was willing to try anything so i did and it worked.

[ohforaname]

QGM I can really relate to everything you said about how you're feeling - especially the cosmic oven thing - it's god awful to feel that way. I've had a couple of times in my life when I've felt that bad and different things have helped at different times, in different ways. I always seem to get low around this time of year (am a bit low at the moment too) and once I tried homeopathy when I was determined not to go back on ADs having faught like hell to get off seroxat with nasty side effects (not everyone has these).

Whatever it was about homeopathy worked for me then and I got myself well, no ADs and strong enough to make some big life decisions. Don't know if it was what they gave me, or that the "whole" of me was being taken into consideration during the consoltation. Couple of years later, I went down again and ended up trying different sort of AD (citalapram and it worked wonders) because I couldn't find a homeopath that I "gelled" with in the new area I'd moved to.

Think what I'm saying is that we're all different and sometimes we have to reach into the innards of our soul for the strength to keep trying to find what helps. I really hope you find what works for you soon - there is something out there that will.

ps re the man thing - I've had to accept that although my man is wonderful at most things, sometimes I have to resolve myself that I have to find support elsewhere sometimes, because he simply doesn't understand and I can't expect him too unless he has felt the same way or gets a masters in psychology! Doesn't mean he or I don't love each other, or that we don't have a good relationship. It means we're human

[ohforaname]

bump

sorry qcm if I waffled on too much (I do that don't mean any harm )

how's it going? Have you made any decisions about ADs or anything?