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Mental health

I cannot believe what an absolute mess i have made of my life, and subsequently DPs and DCs

185 replies

lucyellensmum · 08/01/2008 17:04

Everything is a bloody mess. Here i am, 37 years old, with two children, one 17 (who has left home and barely talks to me) and a two year old. I have a degree and PhD that of no use to me whatsoever - complete waste of my time and tax payers money.

We have NO money, because I, in my infinate wisdom chose to be a SAHM. My partner is trying to start a business and it is not going well, we have to pay the tax man and there simply isnt anything to pay him with. I can't even think about getting a job because i am so bloody down that i cannot cope with the stress of bloody M&T at the moment, let alone going to work. I would only want to work part time, and quite frankly, there is very little i can do - apart from cleaning, which i acgtually wouldnt mind but it would be like pissing in the ocean for all the difference it would make as i simply couldnt do enough hours to make it pay.

My house is a SHITHOLE, because i can't even manage to keep one room tidy, i have spent the whole afternoon trying to get sorted in the living room and it looks like i havent done anything at all! It is a constant battle, we have no storage and there is stuff everywhere. IT gets me down, seriously gets me down. But the more i try and do something about it, the worse it gets. Or at least thats how it seems.

My DP told me this morning that he is really stressed because of finances (again!), i dont think the business is working, he needs to get a job but to be honest, he can't earn enough money working for other people, but this is shit, we have had no money come in since before xmas and we have run out of overdraft! There is money coming shortly, but not anywhere near enough.

How did this happen? We got into debt, because i was greedy and wanted nice telly, nice stuff in my house, nice car - all stuff we should have waited until we could afford it because we are paying a dear price i can tell you, none of it was worth it, i just look at the stuff around me and want to smash it up. None of it is even nice anymore. I have always been shit with money, DP always careful but it got out of control. We borrowed against the house to get out of debt, but we just cant seem to dig our way out. My DP had to have so much time off after DD was born as i was sick, both mentally and physically. There was so much shit when my dad was ill that i dumped it all on DP.

Our relationship is ruined, it breaks my heart, it is just one battle (not with each other) after the other, and of course the tension flares up over the stupidest things and the rows are almost violent (not physical - unless you count me smashing things up). We were NEVER like this, we love each other so much but this situation is destroying us both.

I look at other mothers at M&T and i just want to be them, i want to swap my life, i know everyone has their problems but this is just a vicious circle. Every bloody new year, i tell myself it will be different, and every new year it doesnt take long to dawn on me that we are stuck like this. I dont want this house, i am so desperately unhappy here, i would rather go into council housing and live on the fucking dole and have no worries (i know its not as easy as that - been there).

I was supposed to make something of myself, thank god my father died before he could see what a fucking disaster i have made of my life.

I just cannot see how to make a difference, i want to give up. I'm on ADs, they help with the anxiety but thats about it, ive had counselling, six sessions on NHS - as useful as a chocolate teapot. But then no amount of counselling is going to change what a mess things are.

DP will yet again come home to a shit hole, like coming home to a pristine house would make a bloody difference, i can just tell there is going to be an explosive row soon, over the tax etc, as i have to sort out the accounts and i keep putting it off, because im too scared to open that particular pandoras box.

Sorry, long rant, i just hate myself so much right now.

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Niecie · 08/01/2008 17:11

Oh Lucyellensmum - I don't know what to say, just wanted you to know that somebody has read this.

In a lot of ways you sound like me and it is getting me down too. I haven't seen a doctor yet but I think I need to.

I really don't know what to suggest though. Hope somebody else can.

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Niecie · 08/01/2008 17:11

God, don't let Xenia see this - she'll send us both back to work and I really don't think that is the solution.

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SpawnChorus · 08/01/2008 17:12

Oh poor you

I've read your post and the DCs are now tearing the place apart...have to go and intervene.

Just wanted to lend my sympathy. You will get adice from The Wise Ones on here soon I'm sure.

My house is a tip too, and relationships often suffer when you have little ones. Shit...wish I could stay and chat...will be back later.

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Baffy · 08/01/2008 17:14

I couldn't read that and not post.

I'm not too sure I have the words of wisdom to help you. But there is plenty of support on here for you. Me for one

When you look at all of your problems and worries together it seems like such a tangled mess that there is no way to get out of it.

You need to break things down into manageable chunks. You have a 2 year old who must surely be the light of your life. There is all the incentive you need to get through this

Cleaning jobs may be a drop in the ocean for now. But it would be something. Something positive and every little bit would help.

Tell dp how much you love him and that you are sorry if you are snappy but you're not going to let this situation get the better of you. You are going to work together to fix this. And you will.

We're here to help

{{{hugs}}}

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lucyellensmum · 08/01/2008 17:19

thanks so much for reading my epic whinge! my DD is being a "clip clop" just now and makeing me smile so things aren't all doom and gloom. I just have let everyone down so badly, so angry with myself. Niece, stuff Xenia, she doesnt live in the real world!

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mumemma · 08/01/2008 17:20

Sorry you're feeling like this. Without wanting to ignore the bigger emotional issues, could you start doing something practical which might help in two ways? How about ebaying some of the stuff that's clogging up your house and looking out for some bargain storage on ebay whilst you're at it. You might not make much money selling stuff but if it pays for some storage to put all your other stuff in, you might immediately start to feel a bit better about one aspect of things. I appreciate there are much bigger issues here to consider but improving your surroundings might help. Hope this doesn't sound patronising. We're in a total mess here after Christmas with tat everywhere - I can barely see the floor and it's driving me mad. I can't think clearly with this amount of mess and I'm not even vaguely houseproud normally.

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Rantmum · 08/01/2008 17:21

Sorry to hear that you are so stressed out right now. It is really tough when you have small children and financial pressures (and as for your teenage child it is likely that it is a phase and eventually your relationship will improve).

No words of advice, just wanted to lend my support and hope that you find a way to be happier.

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Anna8888 · 08/01/2008 17:23

Oh lucyellensmum

Like Baffy says, you need to break things down into coherent chunks that you can deal with independently.

I have to disagree with you on one thing, though - your DP coming home to a tidy house would make a difference. Living in chaos is really bad for the morale, even more so when other things in life aren't going well, and - unlike some of your other problems - you actually do have control over the mess. It is up to you to get started.

Maybe once your house is in order, the two of you might even find some more strength to tackle your other problems. A tidy physical environment really does help tidy your mind and give you strength.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

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lucyellensmum · 08/01/2008 17:24

mummemma, that would be a start i guess yes - not sure if half of our tat is worth ebaying, but you never know. I do have a pram to sell, a decent one that i could get a few hundred for - thats a start isnt it?

Not patronising at all!! I need a kick up the bum sometimes

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Niecie · 08/01/2008 17:27

I think January is a crap time to have New Year. You want to make great changes but it is a really bad time of year to do it. Bad weather, everybody ill, short days. Not good for anybody's state of mind.

How about forming a plan for the spring. As Baffy says, make it into manageable chunks. Bide your time for now. Be kind to yourself and to DP and take the time to think things through and plan.

That doesn't help with the practicalities of paying your tax bill by the end of the month though, does it? Have you got anything to sell? Sell your car and get an older one for example. See it as a means to an end and know that you are working to get back on an even keel.

I am sure that there is something that you could do other than cleaning. You have a Phd you have a brain and there must be a way of working that generates some cash. Have you thought of doing something like Usborne books or Phoenix cards. You could still spend time with your DD and earn cash at the same time.

Does your DD go to playgroup soon?

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lucyellensmum · 08/01/2008 17:28

do you honestly think it would make a difference Anna? I'm not being funny as it just seems so futile I just can't motivate myself to do it, it is so hard with DD around, she doesnt have her nap now and i just cant get on, i know im making excuses left right and centre. I have at least managed to wash the laminate today (Oh my god did it need it) but the time just sweeps me away - i hate being alone and spend the day killing time til DP gets home.

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Anna8888 · 08/01/2008 17:31

Lucy - I'm a huge believer in nice tidy house = nice tidy mind and more psychological strength.

My partner is a convert, too - I've converted him. He wasn't very untidy, by any stretch of the imagination, but he had cupboardsful of old clothes that he never wore, old books etc. I have helped him get rid of everything he doesn't use and organised all the cupboards in the house. We even had friends over at Christmas and, inspired by our house, they went home to Holland and devoted a whole weekend to a massive clear out.

Having a lovely tidy home is an important way of taking care of yourself and those you love .

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Baffy · 08/01/2008 17:33

good ideas mummemma

and I agree with Anna about the tidy house thing - I feel so much worse when I am surrounded by clutter and mess. It seems like when the house is straight, my brain can think straight too.

we can give you a kick up the bum

the pram sounds like a great start

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lucyellensmum · 08/01/2008 17:33

Niece, our car is old, we paid too much money for it, because i HAD to have it (i am a selfish cunt, im sorry but there is no better word), i had to have this one because we had to get rid of the 4X4 that we got into debt for as we couldnt afford the petrol. The ironic thing is, i cant even drive. We lost a shed load of money swapping the cars, and old as my car is i love it and so does DP. Also, due to the cars age we would get so little for it that it wouldn't be worth it. The trouble is, when i was a student, i thought it would be ok to have these things as clearly i was going to graduate and earn a mint , then i got pregnant - dont get me wrong, having DD2 is like a dream come true for me, its just that the timing was bad.

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Buda · 08/01/2008 17:34

Just wanted you to know that people are listening. I think the suggestion of Ebaying stuff might help. At least you would feel like you were doing something constructive.

And I think you need to look at the tax. You really really don't want to let that one go. Once you have looked at it and worked out how much you owe you can go to the CAB and get advice on how to sort it in a way that you can afford.

How did things go over Xmas with your DD and your Mum?

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mumemma · 08/01/2008 17:34

lucyellensmum, get that pram on there asap! It'll be taking up loads of space and a few hundred quid will be so useful! It is amazing what people will buy - I assume you know how to use eBay but if not, search for items you're unsure about and check the 'completed items' option to see what they've sold for. I've just cleared one cupboard and made £300 from things that I didn't think would really be of interest. It took me over a year to get round to doing it!

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lucyellensmum · 08/01/2008 17:36

OK - stage one then, get my arse off of this chair and start tidying this hell hole. Have made a start sorting things out so there is some headway, it just is such an overwhelming task. One of the reasons we need a clear out is because DD is still in our room, our sex life is non existent.

Thankyou everyone for your collective +kicks

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mumemma · 08/01/2008 17:36

Also (mumsnetters feel free to shoot me down), I find it's helpful to either block off time when I am going to use Mumsnet or alternatively block off time for tidying up and totally dedicate yourself to the task. Otherwise, I tend to spend a whole day wandering about unfocused and feeling guilty about not really doing anything in particular - hours spent on the computer and not really being productive and then more hours tidying up in a very half hearted way.

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Anna8888 · 08/01/2008 17:38

You see, having a major clear out will help lve two of your problems - tidying up the house and finding some cash - you need to get some boxes and bin bags and sort things according to whether you think they are Ebayable or just carbootsaleable.

Oh, and make sure you clean your bathroom until it is sparkling first so that you can have a long Goddess soak to reward yourself after all that clearing out

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katz · 08/01/2008 17:40

i'm not usre what area your phD is in but the Open univeristy are very often looking for tutors in specific subjects, you might be able to pick up a few hours a week work which you can do in the evenings.

If you've got a pram to sell i'd suggest you local free ads first, then no postage hastle.

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LordVenger · 08/01/2008 17:40

Here's a good way to tidy up - take it in turn to have housework playdates with a friend. You go over to hers, drink coffee and tackle a room each whilst the kids watch a video. The next day, she comes and does it at yours. stops you being lonely, gets you active, gets the house done and can be vaguely fun - specially if you put The Beatles or The PIxies or something on loud and start dancing at some point. Maybe even have a little nip of whisky.

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Lauriefairycake · 08/01/2008 17:42

It would help if you weren't so hard on yourself - stop calling yourself a cunt.

It's not true, you are an intelligent, caring woman (I've read lots of your posts on here) who is first to offer people caring thoughts and advice.

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calzone · 08/01/2008 17:45

I find that the less I do the less I want to do and I have more time when I am up early being busy than lolling around.

If you did get a PT job you could work for 16 hours a week and then be eligible for working tax credit which might help your situation.

Being a SAHM is hard work and can be boring if you are not motivated to do things.

Set yourself a job for each day and do it. If I see you on Mumsnet tomorrow I am gonna shout at you!!

Morrisons have plastic under the bed storage boxes for £3.99. Go and get some and start chucking stuff out.

NOW!

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Niecie · 08/01/2008 17:45

I would start with the bedrooms then. 2 reasons

  1. to get your DD out of your room and get some of your privacy back. It is vital. We left DS2 in our room too long and we missed the space of our own and it was hard to get back on an even keel after that.


  1. Bedrooms will stay tidy once you have done them, providing you don't let DD play in them so you won't have the same feeling futility. Our boys play in the lounge so in theory the bedrooms can stay tidy.
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notjustmom · 08/01/2008 17:58

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