I year on & I still have postnatal depression! Why can't I get passed it!??

[JoC77]

I have postnatal depression, & was diagnosed when my 1yr old was about 8wks old. I've been on anti-depressants since then, which have noticablly helped. My 3yr old is a gorgeous, loving little boy, but has a few behavioural problems; which again, I'm getting help with. I have lots of support around me, & I know things will get better. My question is, when?? I have days where I can't stand being around them. They're wareing me down so much, & I really am so tired of it all. I've become lazy, as I feel disheartened with everything, & I can't be bothered with anything. My relationship with my husband suffers too, as he gets the brunt of it all; & sex - what's that!? I shout at them CONSTANTLY & have zero patients, & have moments where I can only describe my feelings as hate; which I thne feel sick with guilt over. It's all a load of crap really. I'm tired of feeling tired. I dont want to be reliant of pills for the rest of my life, but I spiral down & down without them. I want to enjoy my children.

[karen999]

If your ADs are helping then I would stay on them. Have you had counselling/therapy at all? Or someone really good to talk to about how you are feeling?

[pukkapatch]

i dont think you are ready to be off them.

personally, ihad to wean myself off them slowly. then went on holiday for a month, weher after ten days reaslised i'd forgottent ot ake them. so thought, lets give it a try. a year on, i'm not taking them, but its been tough. there are plenty of days wehn i wish i was back on them.
accept that you need to take them. perhaps you even need the dosage upped. lwt the lo's get a bit older. trust me, things change when they go to school

[ScottishMummy]

Morning JoC77 - PND is a treatable illness, but will take time and prescribed medication. dont focus upon "dont want to be reliant of pills for the rest of my life". as they are probably doing you good, and anyways if you had asmamtha you would take inhalers so why not take AD's for PND. go see GP agagin and discuss your concerns and discuss medication dosage, maintenence etc. talk to GP before attempting any reduction/cessation as you say you "spiral down & down without them"

Hope this all works it - it will be tough at times, but keep talking about it

do you have a CPN?

[JoC77]

I've spoken with my HV a few times (I'm luky, she's really lovely), & she's offered me counselling. I guess I don't want to give into it really, as I feel like I'm making a mountain over a mole hill. I feel stupid talking about things; unless someone catches me when I'm at a low point & I just let it all out. Otherise, I hear myself going on, & I know all the answers myself... you know what I mean? It's always hard to practice what we preach isn't it. I'm waffling on, sorry. I do have a problem with being on AD's too, if I'm honest. I've not told my any of my famil, only my husband & a 3 of my friends know; as I don't want a load of fuss or sympathy. I think you're right though Pukkapatch, I'm worrying so much about being on ADs & having PND etc, that I'm missing my babies grow up. I think I will talk to my Doc about upping the doseage; but will I not just become more dependant on them, or suffer the side affects again?

[JoC77]

Thankyou ScottishMummy. You're completly right, I have to change my view on taking ADs. I feel like I'm failing as a mother though, needing such drastic help. I even resent people offering to have the boys for me, to 'give me a break'; as I feel they're implying I can't cope. I'm a mum, it's my job to look after them & ride out the highs with the lows; & I know that all mums find it hard & struggle at times. I can give the best advice in the world, so why do I feel so rubbish. I feel I'm missing my boys now, I don't want to miss these times - especially with my 1yr old; he's changing & developing all the time, & I don't even notice.

[ScottishMummy]

Morning!awww dont be so hard on yourself you are not "giving in" you are seeking reasonable treatmemnt some TLC - Quite right too

it takes time , no easy answers, please dont be so harsh on yourself. this is your business up to you whom you disclose too.

try support groups too

Good leaflet",

more information",

[LoveAngel]

Sounds to me as if you should definitely stay on the ADs for now and get yourself to the GPs to ask to be put on the waiting list for counselling (I get quite angry with the health service when they dole out ADs without even offering counselling / therapy to compliment the medication!).

I also suffered from PND for a long while (until my son was around 18 mths-2 yrs, I'd say - difficult to say when the depression really receded to the extent that I was able to start getting on with a 'normal life'...), and I can totally relate with that horrible, sicky feeling in your stomach of just wanting the depression to go away and wondering if it ever will? Also the guilt - depression causes terrible guilt on many different levels. It's one of the main things that counselling might address and help you to overcome.

Please don't suffer in silence. Go and see your GP again and ask for more help.

[JoC77]

That's what I keep telling myself. One more year, When Nicholas reaches 2, then things will become 'normal' again. I blame lack of sleep more than my PND, but I guess they're both factors that play off each other. At the moment he doesn't sleep very well; & even if he does go through the night, one of them will always wake by 5.30am at the LATEST! Which of course wakes the other, & so my day begins. I wake up longing for bed time!! I'd have more patients if I wans't so tired too. It's easy to find the root of the problems if you talk through it all; but I find it near impossible to remind myself of it when I'm in the middle of a low point. That's what is really getting to me at the moment, the fact that I felt I was improoving, & now I've sunk right back again. But just from the messages I've had back from my first go on Mumsnet, I feel less issolated. Thank you all.

[LoveAngel]

Some sorts of therapy will give you strategies for coping with the practicalities of every day life, not just explore the root of your problems. I'm thinking of CBT (Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy).I haven't had this sort of therapy, but I believe it is quite commonly offered on the NHS and deals with changing thought processes / breaking old ways of thinking about yourself/life/problems (some one far more knowledgable will probably come along and correct me soon!). Maybe something like that might be worth exploring?

[JoC77]

I will ask my doc about it, as to be honest, my PND could well stem from my past. My HV asked me once if I'd ever been depressed when I was younger, or had problems at school, she even asked what my relationship was like with my mum; as she said it can all contribute. I was bullied at school, which without doubt affected my self-asteem. I have always had a problem with my weight/eating/food (probably due to teenage bullying?) & my mother - she was always short fussed with us when we were young, she would either cry or scream with anger at the drop of a hat. She got very fed up & lonely & ended up leaving my dad for another man; but she can't let go of my dad, so for the first 2-3 years after they divorced, she copped by drinking & then aloading all her feelings on me, in a very negative, often angery way. I subsiquently gave up drink 5 yrs ago, as I didn't like the similarities I saw when I'd get drunk. I could turn very nasty - Jekel & Hyde, just like my mum. I love my mum, & since becoming a grandmother she's improoved 10 fold. But prior to my first being born, when I still drank too, I came very close to shutting her out my life, & would have felt better for it. But I'm feeling again, that I'm turning into the bad side of my mum, with the way I get so stresssed & emotional with my boys.