Ante-natal depession or circumstance?

[shayda]

Hiya..I'm so plsed to have found this group.
I am currently on strict bed-rest at home..I'll give you some background.In August 06 we lost our Son(Max) at 24wks,due to weak cervix..After beheavement counselling we decided to try again and I;m now 33weeks preggers..It hasnt been an easy pregnacy,I had a stitch placed to my cervix at 13weeks,then at 18weeks I started to get cervix measurements in London and at 21weeks,they discoverd the cervix was getting short..At 24weeks my cervix got so short I was put in hospital at risk of havin another Prem baby..I was scared beyond belief,given steroid shots like I had with Max..I just kept thinking 'surely God wouldnt allow this to happen again'...Well I was so happy to get to 28wks where I was told I could go home on strict-bedrest..Each day was a pure blessing and I now know that if my baby is born,he will ultimately be O.k..That I am thrilled about.

The thing is over the past week I have been struggerling with awful depression..I feel so isolated and inadequate I could scream..I have only spoke to my Dh about this,he is very supportive.but i just feel so guilty and irritable.Surely I should be over the moon that ive got this far..but I feel scared and the reality of being a Mum has just hit me..I feel ashamed to tell my friends..I am going to make an appointment to see my G.p tomorrow,I have suffered with depression before but am reluctant to take A.D..(I had them about 2years ago)I do have a cousellor,who has been away over Xmas..So I have missed that.I am just not sure if the feelings I have are normal,because I'm stuck at home not being able to go to Ante-natal classes,meet pals for a coffee..or I have full blown depession..Maybe one is the sympton of the other.? Sometimes,I get so low in myself..I have such doubts that I feel I will be sectioned and Dh will bring up the baby...How extreme is that..Pehaps I have post traumatic stress disorder,when I was in hospital..I have been so strong through-out this pregnancy..Pehaps it has all hit me now.
Anyone else had similar experieces?

Thanyou for listening..It feels cathertic for me to share my fears.

xx

[madmouse]

Hello

To me it sounds like what you are going through is very normal. Sounds like you are doinng great though and you deserve the support of people around you. Can't see any chance of you getting sectioned any time soon!

Have you seen there is a whole section on this board called 'feeling depressed'? You may find some more support here.

Keep going you are doing great!

[shayda]

Thankyou MM for your encouraging words,I will check it out now.

xx

[Sufi]

Hey there - what you're experiencing sounds very normal to me, though I'd encourage you to see your counsellor again as soon as he/she is available, as well as talk to your GP and dh again. I'm no expert but have suffered periodic depression throughout my life and also had 2 years of counselling.

From what you say in your post, being back at home, while a great thing in itself as it means your baby will be OK, is also the first 'quiet' time you've had since you were confined to hospital. Whereas in hospital I imagine you had the routines, doctors, tests and visitors to keep you occupied, at home you don't. So there's just you and your thoughts, concerns and worries for longer periods of time - to me, it only seems natural that you'd feel very down. You're still recovering from losing Max (and I'm so sorry for your loss), plus you've had a really tough pregnancy, plus your hormones will be going crazy...

Pregnancy is worrying enough when it's straightforward, so you've coped and are coping brilliantly.

Please, please don't beat yourself up about feeling down. It's NOT something you should feel guilty about. Please don't feel ashamed. You are perfectly normal to feel down, blue, depressed, worried about becoming a mum - you're only human and everyone feels this way (even if they don't let on!). I'm sure if you told your friends this, they'd be really supportive (and if they weren't, they wouldn't be very good friends!).

Do try and talk your feelings through if you can - I've found that once I give voice to my darker thoughts, they lose their potency and things just seem more manageable. A soon as you 'let it out' you'll feel much less like you'll be sectioned/that your baby will be taken off you etc. Posting on here is a really positive step and I'm sure you'll get loads of support from the 'feeling depressed' board.

Personally, I've found that building up a support network of people I can talk to (which includes my counsellor) has kept my depression at bay. Can you build up a network of friends, family and counsellor you can call on? Can you ask friends to come and visit you at home? Even if you don't talk to friends about how you feel, just having people come to see you will make you feel less isolated.

You will be a great Mum, you are doing so, so well - and it won't be long now before you hold your baby in your arms. Good luck xx

[shayda]

Thankyou so much Sufi for your message.I am feeling better just sharing.

I think what has shocked me the most is that naievely..I thought with everythin we have been through and The tools I have learnt..my depression had lifted and that although I benefit from counselling/I wasnt getting those dark days,where I felt like I was walking through treacle.Most of my friends no that ive suffered from depression in the past..but alot of them also no that it had lifted,its harder to admitt to myself perhaps that i'm finding it hard to cope at the moment,than it is to them..I guess you cant be strong all the time and that somedays/weeks are going to be rough. Dh reasurres me that we will get through this,because we've got through worse,I know he is right.I also know that life is a learning experience and it isnt always smooth.

You are right in hospital,It was always busy,with different subjects around..you are never lonely.I know I have to reach out at the moment.My friend is coming later,and i'm fighting with the phone not to cancell.It felt great having people around at Xmas,so I know company works.I agree if you talk about those deep/dark feelings they really arnt as bad and you often have a friend who has felt the same..I think that my feelings of inadequacey are deep rooted,Something that I do discuss in counselling..I suppose healing is about dealing with these things and moving on,and maybe this might take along time..especially as it took a life time to create.

I am glad you have managed to create a network of support for yourself.Depression can be put at bay with hard work..You've done so well yourself.

Thankyou for reaching out to me,it means so much.

[Sufi]

Hi again

I know what you mean about not wanting to admit to depression coming back - I have a drive to be 'perfect' and sometimes admitting that I'm not feeling all that chipper feels like admitting to a failure - but that's not the case at all! Saying 'you know what? I feel rubbish' at this time in your life is not an admission of failure but, imo, one of strength, as it takes guts to come out and ask for help. And this is one of those times in your life that everyone will totally understand that you need extra support.

If that makes sense... !

I really hope you didn;t cancel your friend - again, I sooo know how you feel and my first response when I'm feeling rubbish is to hide away, but it doesn't ever help me. And I'd really recommend you 'plan' your friends and family in, partic. in the early weeks after the birth, after all the initial visits have stopped, as I've found (7 weeks in) that they've kept me going and kept the blues at bay.

And as for the deep-rooted stuff - I've been in therapy for 2+ years and am so much better than I used to be, but there's still bits and pieces to sort out. I guess it took me 33 years to become the person I am, so a few years to become the person I want to be seems a fair deal.. !

Keep at it, chuck, you can get through this and come out the other side - I know how hard it is but just reaching out now means that you're halfway there. I'll keep checking this thread periodically over the next week or so (if my newborn son lets me!!) so if you need to post again I'll kepe an eye out for it.

xxx