I NEED A CHANGE... IM GETTING TIRED OF CRYIN N SCREAMIN

[jewel121]

I am scared!!!!!!!!! Ive heard its good to talk. Ive tried im constantly talking. Today i walked out on my son. I actually left! Dont ask me where i was going.I dont even know. All i know is i was cold and tired of him seeing me cry. The saddest part of it was before i vene lfet i looked in my phone book, to cry for help. And NO ONE not one person picked up and not a real friend to even cry to and ask for help. I just wanted my son to escape for a few hours away from the flat and the darkness where facing at the moment. The other day the balifs came, my son started to cry, he was scared they'd break the door down. I mean how useless am i as a mohter my 5yr trying to make things better but he cant, i should be protecting him. Up till last monday i was packing some stuff as we were being evicted. I dont know if im coming or going...no 5yr old has to face what my son faces. We ran out of electric the other day, we had to light up some candles, i tried my best to make him comfortable but i can see the stress in his eyes. I havent even bought him one christmas present. Today i had £7 pounds, and i went to iceland, tears runnin down my cheeks as i bought food for today. In 3 weeks time i face sentencing. I might be serveing time... never been in trouble before i got caught up with bad ppl, to get me and my son out of a financial situation. How can i be strong today when i dont know how to be strong. Ive been sick for so long i dont know anything else. I have mum, and im glad i have a mum but shes not there... like she should. I have no other family that lives in this country. Ive lived a life that could write many books, i just want a better life for my son and I. The tablets do what they can, but on bad days i dont even feel them. Someone in my last reply said im crying for help, and if i recieve help why isnt it working. Well i dont know...

[curlywurlywee]

Jewel, I don't really know what to suggest but I feel so bad for you. Don't beat yourself up so much for getting upset in front of your ds - who would'nt with all you're having to deal with. He's got his mum and that's the most important thing for him. Don't want to say anything trite but am thinking of you.

[curlywurlywee]

Jewel, can you try to get some more support from your mum? You need some hands on help at the moment. Can you go to DSS and get a hardship payment or something. Not even sure if it exists but there must be someone that can help you. I feel like crying for you and wish I could help.

[jewel121]

My mum would see me cry and not even hug me...hands on help is like askin a blind man to guide ME across the streets. And as for DSS, i am sadly not entitled to public funds..ie i do not receive benefits etc. So i hear to ask how does she live?/survive/ i dont even know. I have been in this country over 15 yrs and i do not have leave to remain. I have only learned about this 5yrs ago. I am mad/angry about this discovery as it makes life almost unbearable. I have sold myself for money i have done it all...as i write this i am cryin cos apart from from my social worker and phy i have never shared this information, but im jus so sad of being and livin like this. so months are better than others... But sadly no one can help. Last yr the social workers gave me some presents for my son. But they cant help me until im secured, i am in touch with the MP and its only a matter of waiting until the Home office grants me stay. I cant believe ive just shared this info..but somehow it makes me feel lighter cos even ppl in my life dont know this. I live a life of pretence each day and im tired of puttin on the mask. Its so exhauasting!

[vixma]

have you talked to your doctor and if so has he listened, if not talk to a nurse. You a re having a horrible time. I know this sounds extreme but talk to the samaritans number 08457 60 90 90 or childline ( I recommend these as a chil is involved and the call is confidential) 0800 11 11....good luck

[cassiegemini]

Jewel curlywurly is right, you need some help, urgently, to get some of the practical stuff sorted out asap. It is crazy that you have so much to deal with on your own.

where abouts do you like? Perhaps there are some mumsnetters nearby.

You need help to deal with one thing at a time, and the most important thing right now is that you and your son are safe, have electric heating etc and food. Can you tell your mum how things are and get help with this sooner rather than later? One less thing to worry about can make a big difference when we are close to rock bottom.

You said in your other post you had no intention or hurting your son and I am sure he knows that, that you love him is the most important thing to him, you do not have to pretend to be perfect or superwoman all the time. I witnessed my mum at some very, very low points growing up and it only makes me love her more knowing how she suffered and struggled for us.

Sending some huge hugs your way.

Sorry this post is a bit garbled, my baby is a bit grizzly in the background (with DP!)

[cassiegemini]

Sorry - I meant to ask

where abouts do you live?

not like - typo.

[cassiegemini]

I'm going to feed my baby but will try to come back.

[jewel121]

highbury n islington

[llareggub]

Hello, whereabouts are you? Are you back with your son now? I'd like to help you in some way, even if you just want to talk. You are right, it is good to talk.

[curlywurlywee]

How long have you got to wait until the Home Office make a decision? I am shocked beyond belief that you are living in this country and are not entitled to anything at all. How can this be happening? Are there any local charities that you can approach for help with meals etc. Every year I pack a shoe box for the kids in Romania or wherever and I find it beyond words that your son will go without Xmas presents in the UK. Have you thought about contacting a local church? They would not turn you away I am sure. Christians are about the only group of people who would do what they could with no strings attached. As Vixma said, ringing the Samaritans would be a great help as you can say whatever you like to them. Thinking of you.

[llareggub]

What about the duty social worker? Can he or she put you in touch with someone who can help? Local church a good suggestion. Possibly your MP could help with the Home Office decision, just a thought?

[jewel121]

ive been waitng since last year may. Emily Thorneberry is helping me, but the decision making isnt as staright forward...i dont understand much about that. I can talk to you guys cos i cant see you, but i cannot talk to people i can see, apart from the docs cos they already know the situation. Its just hard opening it up. and like i said i wear a good mask, ppl wouldnt believe me for one min if i told them half the things me and my son face each day. I know its not good to live with pretence, but its better than everyone having pity on me. The social workers are truly crap i hate to say this. I wanted them to take my son away when i found out about this, like a form of respite. they refused. Its harder when theres a child that relies on you. I only wish my mum was a better support, but she isnt. I had to look after her for 2yrs when she felt sick, she couldnt even go out of the door. Im tired of looking after everyone and no one to look after me, im 27 and laready feel like im 50. I wanna smile and turly feel happy not smile becos its easier than to cry.

[vixma]

not being personal....much, but why do you want to stay?

[evelina]

Sending huge hugs jewel.
Just a quick thought but there are a lot of charities collecting food at this time of year. My dh was part of a "Round Table" collection outside Morrisons last weekend where people dropped in food as they left the store. We then went off to deliver it mainly to old people in the area but quite a few had died or moved into homes during the past year so there was quite a bit left over. You might find that your local church has contacts for such organisations and they would be happy to help you out. You need to try and find someone with a bit of local knowledge.

[jewel121]

well...i have been here since i was 10. i have no family at home. I am now 27. Ive lived my life in london and thats all i know. I have my son who was born here. his life is here, his school and what could potentially be a better life for him is here. Ive studied here, and believe i can make a better life for me and my lil man, if given the chance. Its not personal, as ive asked myself that many times also... but those are my reasons and it is better to be here and wait for it to get better than take my son to a countyr he has never been and brought me such unhappiness to introduce him to.

[evelina]

sorry if last one sounded patronising by the way. It's just that I find that people really do like to give, sometimes, but you have to let them know that you need the help first.

[vixma]

fair play... apart from your mum, do you have a relationship with anyone else?

[vixma]

not social worker etc ?

[jewel121]

thanks evelina. i dont know how to begin to seek for more info on that, but ill call my local church. thanks.x vixma, i did have a relationship and he knows pretty much everything, the depression and alot of what i go through made it hard on the relationship. I moved into his families home for 6months last yr, that was great help... but as i keep my 'life' a secret he cannot tell anyone including his mum, so its hard on him to help me in that way. But besides social worker, that is my only relationship. i have mums i talk to say hi to at the school and thats it.

[vixma]

How is your social worker?

[vixma]

Doe's she listen to you?

[evelina]

The Rotary, another community charity, were collecting outside Tesco this evening as well. You could start with an Internet search perhaps and then send a few e-mails? These people generally have access to cars and I'm sure would help out a 5 year old boy if they could. If you get in quick, you might find they are only too pleased to drop off a few toys/food in the run up to xmas.

[jewel121]

thank u..God bless. i didnt think i had any more tear left today but...thanks. Im gonna do that now

[vixma]

God bless you too, can you give to the rotary online? I hope you can find happiness? and if you need to talk you can talk to us here.

[jewel121]

hi ive been on the site. i dont understand it. And u said can i give..give what??