My best friend suffers from Bi Polar Depression - how can I help her?

[frankie3]

She is on medication and seeing doctors etc and has been in and out of hospital, but I would like some advice on how I can help her as I am very worried about her. Most of the time she puts on a front and we have really normal conversations, but sometimes (only when really encouraged) she will confide in me. She feels detached, like she is seeing life from the outside and does not want to live anymore - she seriously would like to take her life. She has a husband and daughter, but this does not mean anything to her. Does anyone have any advice on what I can say or do to most help her?

[frankie3]

Would really appreciate anyones thoughts on this, as I really need to know how to help her. She is drinking quite a lot of alcohol when on tranquilisers and I am worried about her.

[notenoughchocolate]

Wow Frankie, I'm not sure but I think this is a horrid insight into reality, that no-one has been able yet to find an answer for your question.

The best way you can help your friend is to be open and honest with her. Talk to her about how she is feeling and point her in the direction of help. Listen to her, allow her to feel the way that she feels, so that she feels acknowledged. Through this you might find that she has some hope for life. If she's talking to you about it there must be some life hopes there surely?

Try not to take on or solve all of her problems. You must be a great friend to her already if she feels able to confide in you. Can you talk to anyone else around her about what's happening?

[NAB3hundredbaubles]

Whatever she tells you, take it at face value thst it is really important to her and matters. It may seem daft or unimportant to you but might really matter to her.

Don't say she has a husband and daughter to live for and who need her, too much pressure and it won't make a difference. When you are in that dark place other people are just extra pressures.

Be there for her, don't judge and good luck.

[christmashumbug]

Dear frankie3

You are already helping by being a good friend.

If she is really suicidal her doctor needs to know as her meds may need changing or she may need more support- does she have regular contact with dr?
There are also some organisations for people who are bi-polar (I think manic depression fewllowship - www.mdf.org.uk - is the main one) She may not be a "group" sort of person, but having had treatment for depression myself, I found talking to other people who suffer from it a help- hopefully she might too. What ever type of depression it is it can feel very lonely. notenoughchocoalteis right to say you cannot solve her problems- you might find some more support and advice on the mdf website for you as I think it has a section for realtives/friends. Hope that helps. xxx

[DingDongMummyLinOnHigh]

frankie ,i have a sister who also has bi-polar.the best advice i can give you is to be there for her.My sis has also been suicidal whan she is on a real low,but of course completely the opposite when on a high.She always says that she likes the way i will stop whatever i am doing to listen to her.It is a very hard illness to cope with ,for the person concerned and the friends and family also.Some of the medicines have very strange side affects. I would suggest that in order to help her you read up on the illness,thatis what i did and understood it so much more after that.It is a nightmare for the person going through it and they deserve and need such a lot of support.Good luck.

[DingDongMummyLinOnHigh]

i would just like to add that my sis had a great husband and two teenagers,but she no longer has a family unit.After being in a hospital for three months ,she decided that she didnt want to be married anymore and after nearly 25 yrs of marriage,left the family home.

[SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl]

you can help her best by being a friend and doing any of the things that you think friends do

the hardest one is taying friends with someone who is biplaor as the chances are she doesnt make that much effort when she is down

she may even be refecting you

domnt try too hard to think about the friendship

you are friends for a reason you like her and she likes you..it doesnt need to get too much more complicated than that

listen when she is down and be accepting

share the good times wityh her when she is up

and be kind to her all the time

you may not always think she deserves it but she does babe

[notenoughchocolate]

Helping someone is so hard Frankie, and lots of people don't know how to handle it. It's one of the saddest things about the illness. You are a precious friend to her for wanting to find ways to help and that must be very valuable to her. Good for you for wanting to do this.

There's great advice on this thread and I really hope you've found something that helps. Merry christmas all.

[SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl]

the trouble with bipolar/manic depression is that you always fuck up and fuck up friendships in particular so if you can hang on in there she will appreciate it even if it doesn't sem like it at the time..thats the greatest gift of friendship keeping it going for her

it's nice you were thinking of her at Christmas too..you sound a great friend to have

xx

[charliecat]

I have a friend with this and he said that 99% of the time we spend together is spent with him off loading his worries and fears onto me, and that he realises this and he hates the selishness it creates in him
I just listen, bloody hell, its all I can do
Crap isnt it.
And sometimes, when hes miles away and he says hes spent the whole day thinking about suicide...well it just breaks my heart.
Ugh.

[SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl]

I don't think it has to make u selfish tho..self absorbed yes..but I think it can actually make you quite empathetic..i like to think i do try and listen to other people and be their friend too

[frankie3]

Thank you for all your advice everyone, it's good to hear from other people who have been in the same situation. I guess that although I feel a bit useless and she is seeing doctors etc every day, I still feel that as a friend I am also responsible for helping her.

Another thing I find hard is that in some ways I find it hard to talk to her now as we are trying to carry on as normal but I feel that I cannot confide in her about any problems that I have as it then makes her feel that she cannot burden me with her problems as she is so worried all the time about being a burden. This of course is not true. Also, the whole time I am with her I feel that she is almost acting out how she should be, and she is so good at it that I do not know how she really is.

Thanks everyone, and any more advice would be great.

[SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl]

i often feel i am acting...like having a game of ping pong in your head should i do this say this would a normal person do this etc

and it can be like being in a film which you direct all the parts...

don't worry too much try to think less about her mental state if you can

[notenoughchocolate]

Can you chat to her on a good day about how she thinks you could help best when she's really low? Has she had the diagnosis long?

I have been through a lot with my sister who's not bi-polar but very similar, in and out of hospital, suicide attempts etc. I went through a phase of almost helping too much, and got worn out myself trying to help solve all of the various issues that got her down. She also began to rely on me rather than learning skills to help herself (like not drinking too much, taking her meds and looking after herself).

We've talked loads about the impact of her illness and have now got a good balance and really good relationship because of it (though this has taken years). She knows if things are at crisis point that I'm here to listen, but also knows I have my own responsibilities too and that I can't be there the whole time. This has made her more resourseful herself.

I found I had to be able to work out whether my sister's thoughts about suicide were a real risk. If I listened to her talk about it really hard without being really shocked or frightened (bluddy hard) she'd usually say something that showed me she wasn't sure about it (like the fact she was talking to me about it, rather than going and doing it). I could then usually get her to agree that she shouldn't do anything unless she was really sure and eventually agree to delay acting on any thoughts, (don't tell her to stop thinking about it, she probably can't) while other help was sorted out (which i made sure I was able to help with - organising appts etc). If you're not comfy talking to her about it though, it's really wise to put her in touch with a professional (GP, HV, samaritans)and make sure they know about the suicidal feelings. If you think she's really serious about suicide, and can't get her to agree to anything then you have to think about emergency help asap.

I hope this hasn't scared you, but honestly,listening to and talking openly about the darkest feelings is a major step in helping someone overcome them. It is a balance between listening when she's ready to talk about the scary bits, and being there for fun, smiles and laughter too. My sister and I now "take turns" at offloading, and we both know when either of us need more help than the other. A big learning curve for you both, good luck.

[tyaca]

hi frankie

the person who said you are already being helping is right. i was diagnosed as bipolar long time ago, but recently diagnosis seen to be incorrect.

a couple of thing i hope help

it is very difficult to help directly. even trained professionals struggle with their patients. instead, just being there will be a help.

i used to really appreciate those friends who i could spend time with a forget about my problems with for a few hours. those who were really close to me eg mum, DP etc would always think they should be doing or saying something to make things better, but truth was that that could be v frustrating. people i wasnt as close to wouldnt feel they had to try to help, and so i would often get a lot more from being with them as sometimes distratcion is v good therapy.

she will know you are there for her, i promise. even in just a few lines here, it is apparent how much you care. if she knows you're there for her then that is as big a gift as could be.

re any other stuff you could do.... this is going to sound v strange and may not work with her, but i used to find it v helpful to do practical things that took my mind off me for a few hours eg pottery. sounds silly, i know, but a days respite concentrating and creating something would often help me for a few days after.

sometimes its v easy to try to fix things at a big level, when looking at things on a day by day basis can be just as helpful, if not more so

hugs to you for caring so much and gl

[SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl]

think tyacas post is a good one

re suicidal thinking it can come and go and that can make it seem like she is playing a drama role but feelings like that can come and go fleetingly

you do sound lovely

i have recently met a lovely woman on mn actually who has been brilliant to me...she seems to know what to say..it's nice and appreciated

i'm sure ur friend appreciates u even of she doesn't always seem to

[frankie3]

I know that if I tell my friend that she has a lot to love for - dd etc, it almost seems to make it worse for her as she feels guilty for not being able to care. So, instead I have tried to be more practical and say that if she feels suicidal she should just make sure she phones someone - me, her psychiatrist, samaritans, her dh - but I worry that although she says she will phone, she may not.

[SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl]

well she may not indeed but that is not something you have control over

you can only be a friend not a minder

friends are friends...hopefully you will continue to want to be friends but you are not actually responsible for her and if she thought you felt you were she would probably run a mile

like I said before having a normal friend is hard they are rare things so just concentrate on that

[frankie3]

Santa - thanks for the advice. Maybe I should stop feeling like I can really do so much, as I probably can't anyway, and just concentrate on our normal friendship.

Hope everything is well with you.

[SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl]

i think so

i'm certainly doing a passable imitation of a normal person at the moment..in my own eyes anyway if a slightly over excited one

not sleeping enough

trying to keep myself up and not down without overshooting

although my life fell apart last year so it's been very hard and stressful..i have held it together with a few scary extremes but nothing like tragedy so maybe just maybe i can keep it that way

thank you for asking

yes do the friends thing

you sound like a great friend hunni

[notenoughchocolate]

Hi Frankie just wanted to say that by letting your friend know that you're there, however bad she's feeling, will mean absolutely loads to her, and may very well make a big difference. Santa's spot on, you're not responsible for her and it sounds like you're doing everything that you can, and being a great friend.