Please HELP So Confused! I Have no idea what's going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gina1981]

This is my last resort - There must be someone out there that can help me!

Haven't been feeling myself for a long time now and have been through 1 hell of a year. Thinking it's some sort of mental health issue, i came here to find out if i could find any answers. TBH i'm very confused with all these abreveasions that everyone is using and don't really understand much.

I'm a mother of 2 and have never suffered with any mental illness in my life until last year when i had my 2nd dd. I was very confused anxious at the time and my doctor put it down to PND. I was put on AD's and within a couple of hours i reacted very badly with them that i ended up in hospital the next morning from having a panic attack put didn't know this at the time as i had never experienced anything like that before.

I was then given more drugs, diazpan and sleeping pills with a different type of AD. I then became like a zombie and was unable to look after my 2 dd. Within 2-3 weeks i had experienced many unpleasant attacks to the point i didn't even remember anything until i had someone crush my chest to bring me round. I honestly thought i was being possessed.

It got to the point where i turned to my family and cried for help - i really was consedering sucide. I then saw a wonderful Consultant at the Priory and he ended my awful nightmare. He took me off all medication and i was back to my old self again and told me that i was suffering from rare side effects from the cocktail of drugs that i was given and that i was never depressed in the first place. He suggested that i may have been suffering from anxiety.

The last year has been tuff with DD2 not feeding well (doc's put it down to reflux) and went through a series of investigation.

DD2 is 1 now and still hardly eats or drinks. But i can't cope with this as it's impossible to feed her and very stressful. I don't get any help from my partner and at my wits end - i'm over weight, my friends have practically dissapeared off the face off the earth and all i seem to do is shout at everyone and am always miserable. Awful things run through my mind, that i'm too embarressed and ashamed to say. I admit that i am very unhappy with every aspect of my life and no matter how hard i try to change things i fail over and over again.

It's nothing like what i went though last year but thinking now am i depressed or suffering from something? Is there anyone out there that can help me or give me some advice.

[constancereader]

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. Well done for coming on mumsnet, it is a very supportive place. Ask about any abbreviations, there is a list at the top.

It does sound as if you are very anxious at the moment, there has been so much going on for you. Your experience after the birth of your second daughter sounds awful.

Ive got to go to see to ds, but I will check in later, others will be around too I'm sure.

[minesalargeone]

Hiya Gina - just make sure you sit by your pc tonight - you're bound to get loads of helpful advice on here.....xxxxxxx

[Spink]

First of all, you get a big hug. Bloody hell, you've been through a nightmare year. Well done for getting through it, must have been really rough for you.

You do sound really down now, which is understandable given that you seem to have lots of stresses in your life at the moment.

Do you have anyone, family or friends, who you can ask for support from?

Your GP should be able to refer you to a mental health assessment team, who can talk to you and give you some answers to your questions, and some ideas about how to move forward. They will be able to tell you if you are depressed or suffering from a mental health problem and given your history of bad reactions to medication it does sound like you would need their expert advice if medication is a route you think about going down.
If you don't get on with your GP or don't want to ask him/her for a referral for any reason, you might well be able to refer yourself. You should be able to get the number of the mental health team from your council website.

[constancereader]

Are you there Gina?
Hope you are feeling ok?

[Gina1981]

Thank you everyone - what wonderful support.

I can't stand my GP - she only wants to hear what she wants to hear. I have no faith in GP's anymore. Some how she always makes me worst when i go and see her.

I am petrified to take medication after what happened to me last year. Although i am quite close with my family i don't think they understand what i'm going through! They all lead very busy lives and i don't want to be a burdon on them!

To be honest i just want to talk to someone - i'm very lonely and don't really have much adult conversation. My partner comes home after 7pm every night and our relationship isn't what it use to be and sometimes i ask myself what am i doing with him!

Last year when i went through my traumatic ordeal - i was under a mental health team but found them nothing but patronising and condersending. They didn't help me at all. It wan't until i saw the consultant at the Priory that everything fell into place and i got the help i needed. I wish i could go back and get some form of councelling but we can't afford it - it cost us an arm and a leg!

I'm not scared of being told that i may be suffering with something but i have lost all faith with the NHS! Not only do i not feel right emotionally, physically i have a number of problems but i just put it all down to my weight and probably my mental state at the moment. I do suffer with an auto immune diesease but i am in remission at the moment but am very scared of having a flare up.

Thank you once again for everyones support xxx

[minesalargeone]

Gina - where do you live? xx

[Gina1981]

Hi minesalargeone I live in Epsom in Surrey! Where are you?

[constancereader]

Hi there, glad you popped back in last night.

Have you thought of changing your GP? I quite agree that if you have lost faith in them then they can't be of much use. So perhaps another one might be able to help? I have found cognitive behavioural therapy extremely helpful in managing my chronic anxiety, they might be able to refer you for that. Spink's suggestion about referring yourself seems a good one too.

Keep posting, talking really does help. If you look around the board there are lots of discussions about children who wont eat (and the other things you mention in your original post), sometimes it can help to share experiences. At least you don't feel so alone!

Speak later xx

[Gina1981]

I have thought about changing my GP but it just seems too much to do. I would have to transfer the whole family and to be honest i just can't be bothered. I've adopted this attitude with many things and everything around me seems to be going wrong!

In regards to my DD2 not eating, I've tried everything and once again i can't be bothered anymore. I've now adopted the attitude that if she doesn't want it then she will have to go without! I just think what is the point she clearly doesn't want it.

I really need to get some sort of help otherwise i dread to think where i will be in a months time!

Sorry to sound so negative but i really can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[minesalargeone]

Hi Gina....I was hoping you'd live closer because I'd have descended on you with a big jar of coffee and a few pints of milk!!

I'm in Hants so too far away but I still wish I could help.

You sound so down. It's horrible feeling so miserable, isn't it? I get like that sometimes...it's as if everything is going wrong around me and there is no way out. I'm overweight too - I hate it - absolutely hate it...when I got married I was a size 12 having dropped from a size 28...I hate looking at my wedding photos now because it upsets me so much. After 15yrs of marriage and two children later the weight has gone back on, although I'm not a size 28 anymore - I'm a cuddly (so my dh puts it) size 22 but even so I still hate it. I think the way you feel about yourself plays a massive part on how you feel with everyone else - including your children. Sounds to me like you have got very low self esteem - sometimes I just can't be bothered even washing my hair or shaving my legs - why bother? Then I look at how lovely my dh is towards me and that he tells me he loves me, has enormous patience with me and I then get cross with myself and go and have a shower etc...considering I'm a 'shower in the morning and bath at night' sort of girl anyway you can see how down I must get to not even want to wash my hair!

With regards to one of your children refusing to eat...no child will ever go hungry - you've got the right attitude with regards to this - I've got a 3yr old dd (almost 4 actually) who will refuse to even touch what is on her plate so she goes without - yes it is hard to allow a child to miss a meal but why should you get stressed out about it? But if you start to give in and let them have what they want or substitute the meal you've prepared (that they've had before) for something you know they'll love then you are making a rod for your own back.

Sorry to waffle.....keep in touch. MNetters are always here. xxxx

[constancereader]

Don't worry about sounding negative at all, it really isn't a problem. Everyone on here has been negative at some point. Just keep talking, that's the main thing. Perhaps between us we can find that light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been where you are now, the difference being that it was before I had children. Things are so much harder when you have little ones to cope with I think.

It is so hard to make that first step, isn't it? With me it took so long because deep down I felt I was just "making a fuss" and that really if I just pulled myself together all would be well. It took a long time to realise that I DESERVED the help that was out there.

[MALO]

Exactly constance....When I'm in the depths of feeling so horrible about myself I just think 'ok, so you've failed'...but I'm lucky - I have a dh who will sit for hours and talk to me, talk about everything that is bothering me...he may not come up with anything to help but he'll listen which is such a great help - having someone who will sit and listen, not necessarily pass comment but who has the patience to take in what I'm saying...it just helps to get it off my chest.

(Gina: I've just shortened my name to MALO because I was being asked 'what is a large one then?' Oops! xx

[Spink]

hello again,
totally agree with MALO & constance - don't worry about sounding negative about suggestions made here, the important thing is to come on and let people know how things are going and just to feel less alone with it all. Keep posting!

If you do want to find counselling, it might be worth going back down the NHS route - IME, NHS teams (and individuals on teams) can really differ, so even if you had a bad time with them last time, doesn't mean it'll be the same this time. And if they are unhelpful again, at least you'll know you've tried. What do you reckon would happen if you specifically requested counselling/therapy & said you wanted their help accessing it?

The other place that might be able to give you advice about counselling & support might be MIND - there might be voluntary organisations and things so you have another option. www.mind.org.uk
Are you nearish to Kingston? www.mindinkingston.org.uk


And, talking of GPs, is there just the one at your GP surgery? My GP makes me want to eat my own arm with frustration. So now when I go I make sure I see one of the other practice GPs - even tho he is officially my doc, because they are all in the same practice it is possible.
x

[lucyellensmum]

Gina, i dont have time to post much just now, just offer my support, i know how you feel honey. This will get better. You do need to get some help though. For some reason you dont seem to respond well the medication, so that is probably ruled out, although there are much more ADs available now, but im not sure thats helpful.

The big thing at the moment is CBT, assuming you can afford the priory then im sure you will be able to find a therapist close to you. NHS waste of time! CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy - it might be something that will work for you. It helps you to find triggers to your anxiety. Are there other doctors at your practice, could you perhaps go and see one of those instead?

SOrry, i have to go now - will look in on you later. Sweetheart, you sound like a great mum, its tough you know, and its no shame in admitting that being a mum is tough and you are finding it difficult, we ALL find mumminess dificult and if anyone tells you otherwise, they are lying!

[lucyellensmum]

I would assume that if you are using a private therapist you can self refer. It could be worth a try just to talk these things out face to face, but you are not alone, we are all here, most of us on this part of Mumsnet have been there in some way shape or form, i have found this such an amazing support recently hang on in there

[ClaphamLauren]

Gina I'm just down the road in Ewell - I know, the name is confusing! I live between London and Surrey - ANYWAY, I've not got any real experience of depression myself but I really hope you manage to get the support you need.

If you need pampering and cheering up my family own a few local beauty salons and during the week they have loads of free slots so if money is an issue don't worry about that side of things. It's a little thing I know but maybe some "you time" is what you need.

I know it's not much to offer but if you need anything then feel free to email me at [email protected].

[MALO]

Wow clapham....what a lovely suggestion!!!!

Gina: I've got to go back to work now...but I'll pop back later on.

I know I'm not much help but I'm here along with lots of other MNetters....you're not on your own, you have lots of friends here. I love this site - it is amazing and with some lovely, caring, people using it - you've found yourself a new family here.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[sparkybabe]

Hi gina - I used to live in Worcester Park and I'm only about 30mins away (horley) so if you need to talk...and it sounds as if thats waht you do need, rather than drugs. I am in the same boat, my dh gets home (on a good day) at about 7pm and on a bad day at 3AM! But I've got school-mums to talk to, I'd go mad othewise.

BTW MALO - I always read it as Minnes Al'Argeone - sounds very Italian.

[Spink]

lucyellensmum - true that getting help on the NHS can be frustrating - but there are some fantastic therapists on the NHS!! ..it can just be a bit of a nightmare actually getting to see them

but you shouldn't worry if you can't afford private, Gina, you should still be able to find someone decent to help you..

if you do have probs getting help on the NHS, there are affordable ways to see private therapists. A really good thing to do is see a trainee therapist (CBT therapist or clinical psychologist) cos they charge very little and are usually very good - as well as being closely supervised, so you effectively get them and their supervisor's brains to pick...

[MALO]

Me? Italian? Ooh I wish...or better still be married to a dishy Italian man.....yum yum!

[sparkybabe]

well the closest I get to a dishy italian is a plate of pasta...anyway Gina what do you think of laurens idea? How about a facial? Or a manicure? Some you time?

[MALO]

Gina - How are you?x

[sparkybabe]

GIIIIIIINNNNNNNNAAAAAA!!!!!!!! you ok?

[MALO]

sparky....that was LOUD!!!!

[sparkybabe]

SORRY - I think we scared gina away by threatening to come to epsom with tea and sympathy - honest gina we won't if you don't want us to!!!!!!!