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Mental health

please talk to me...

62 replies

emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 22:29

forgive me as this may be a long one...I'm so sad I just want to talk on here, no one at all to talk to in RL, I'm so alone.

DH and I have been married for almost 3 years but together for 10. We have always had a stormy relationship mainly down to his drinking. I have put up with so much from him, including, trips to the STD clinic when we first got together because he was worried he had passed something on to me that he got from an ex, he has ruined every (and I mean I can't think of one he hasn't ruined) birthday, christening, christmas, etc. He has got drunk, been abusive and I have always forgiven him.

When we had DC1 he did change a bit but a good example of his behaviour was leaving us in a restaurant to get involved with getting drugs for a mate, he since admitted HE had the coke problem. Things were up and down then we had DC2, the difference here was this time round he did very little, hence now DC2 is not too close to him.

In between all of this I'm an emetohope. As much as he will say he understands, he doesn't understand at all, this is proved by making me feel s*&t about it at any opportunity. I have tried to get help, been to CBT but it just hasn't helped, I stopped when I was pg with DC2 and tbh just not got the time to go back. I work full-time in a stressful professional job, I feel like I have done a days work before I even get there by the time I've done the school / nursery run.

Things got bad about a year ago and I think we were both close to giving up. I booked a night away to spend some time together, he ended up getting drunk and having a real go at me. I decided then it was time to do something about this...and this is how it started.

We rent a house and decided that we would buy one (I know this is not the rationale of a normal person) I wanted to make a good stable home and decided that I would stop arguing back and just get on with it. However, he has carried on with the drinking, losing temper, etc. One morning after a big row he called me crying saying that he was worried about us and he wanted to make it work and begged me to make a go of it too, I said that if we moved I would be totally stuck as I could afford to run the rented house myself, he promised me that he would change. The months following we good, he was positive about moving and we found the perfect house, we completed on Friday.

Since Friday the old him is back. Tonight he asked me what I wanted for dinner (he has been drinking since collecting DC1 from school) there wasn't much in so I said I would go out, I was told I couldn't because he can't stand DC2 whinging whilst I go but taking DC2 would add half hour on to a simple trip to the shop! I said I would have chips and beans, he had some minted lamb chops. He called me into the kitchen puts the chips on the side and tells me to sort mine out. All the time I'm doing this he is telling me that I'm fat, making comments about my bum and saggy boobs. He then makes a reference to a boyfriend I had when I was about 16, wtf? I put my beans in the microwave and start putting the chips on the plate, I asked him to pass me a plate so that I could put his chips on, he said leave them mine isn't done so I put my beans on and turned to put the other half of the beans in the fridge, he then starts shouting at me for not doing him beans. This developed into a full blown shouting (from him, I have not said a word back) session, in 10m mins he has slagged off all of my family, said he has had enough of my emetophobia (totally irrelevant) called me a freak, the rest of my family are freaks, I'm selfish, I don't appreiciate him and has stormed off to bed. DC2 has coughed and he come raging in saying sort him out now, sort him out for once in your life. What gets me is this sounds petty but thats the point, this blazing row has left me in complete blubbering wreck, I don't know what I've done. I have no one to talk to. I hate this horrible phobia, not a day goes by when I think my family don't deserve me, and I know I'm a bad mother for it. I'm starting to wonder if they would be better of without me.

Sorry it is long, and thanks if you have got this far.

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FrannyandZombie · 03/10/2007 22:36

It doesn't sound at all petty. It sounds appalling to live your life with this man and have your children see him treat you like this. I don't know what to say. How can you stand to be like this? You need to get away from him - how can you do it?

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emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 22:36

suppose my ramblings went on for too long... thanks if you have read but not got to the end.

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emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 22:38

x posts there, thanks for replying, I didn't think anyone was going to. thing is now the house sale has gone through I don't know what to do. I could afford to do it on my own but it would be hard and DC1 absoloutely adores him, I would feel so bad. I'm such a wimp and I'm scared of being on my own, what could I do to get away? Would you still move?

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FrannyandZombie · 03/10/2007 22:39

I hope others come to offer support, e

I am sorry you have no-one in RL - how did you become so isolated?

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TotalChaos · 03/10/2007 22:40

it sounds like your relationship is very unhappy. all I can really think of is suggest that you discuss things with Women's Aid and/or if you have a good rappor with her, your HV may also be a good starting point for advice/support.

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Whooosh · 03/10/2007 22:40

Do you love him?

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FrannyandZombie · 03/10/2007 22:41

I understand your dc love him but this is not ok for them to see their father treat their mother like this

it's not a life for any of you, it sounds like a nightmare

I wish I could advise you on the practical side but I don't know the answers either. I just know I would be doing anything I could to get away

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TotalChaos · 03/10/2007 22:41

or possibly speak to al-anon (they support family's of problem drinkers), as alchol does seem to be a factor in his abusive behaviour.

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emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 22:41

I had a close family but my Mum has torn it apart, my sister is having a bad time at the moment, IVF and my Dad is so worried about her I can't burden him with my problems. My Mum isn't bothered, my friends I don't see that much, my grandparents are close but old and I don't want them to worry, MIL thinks the sun shines out of his backside and she has seen him laying into me but talks him round, I have always put on a brave face and said I'm fine...truth is I'm not.

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TotalChaos · 03/10/2007 22:43

I think it's natural for parents to support/see the best in their children, so not that surprising she sides with her son. But I am sure the people who care about you (grandparents and dad) would rathre you spoke to them than suffered in silence.

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emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 22:43

I don't know if I love him or not, as silly as it sounds I really don't know, I think I'm in love with having a family and I live for the good days, I do it for the DC's more than anything.

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Hassled · 03/10/2007 22:43

You don't sound like a bad mother to me at all - you sound like someone who's just been very very unlucky in their choice of husband. From the sounds of it you are the only stable person holding your family together and you've done bloody well to keep going this long. I agree with F&Z that you need to end this before he saps all of your self-esteem, but whatever you decide to do about your DH, don't ever make the mistake of thinking that any of this is your fault. You sound like a good, strong person.

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PeachesMcScream · 03/10/2007 22:44

First, having a problem with emetophobia is not the equivalent of having a drink problem. He's abusive and he's using your emetophobia as a stick to beat you and frankly, when compared to getting drunk on a regular basis, it's just not right.

Please don't say they'd be better off without you. From the sounds of it, you and your children would be better off without him. As you say, DC2 is not that close to him.

Give him an ultimatum to sort himself out. You may have just found the perfect house but it's not worth putting up with that kind of relationship. I know the sensible thing would be to suggest you deal with your problems together, but you'd have to swallow a lot of pride to let him think your problem is equal to his. Maybe it's that or give him an ultimatum to sort himself out or go.

Oh I don't know. Only you can decide what to do for definite. But I do feel for you.

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emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 22:44

I don't know how I would tell my Dad, he would be totally shocked as would friends and grandparents, I'm always making out I'm ok, I wish I had the courage to tell them, but what could they do anyway? I do need to get away but just don't know what to do, who to speak to, etc.

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FrannyandZombie · 03/10/2007 22:45

I don't think it really matters if you love him or not tbh, he is terribly abusive and I think you should try to make a better life for yourself without him. I understand about fear of being alone and the dream of having this happy family life. You have really given it a good shot. I think you should think of yourself and your children now, and get away from this poisonous sounding relationship

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gibberish · 03/10/2007 22:47

Couldn't read and not post. It seems to me that you are still blaming yourself for your husband's treatment of you - I feel this from the name you have given yourself.

Whatever health problems you have, he has NO right to treat you this way. The problem is his, not yours. I, too have no practical advice I'm afraid, but this sounds like an abusive, corrosive and dangerous relationship. Something needs to change, and soon. You deserve better.

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emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 22:47

I wish I could be strong, Im sobbing here I wish I could make him understand that I have had enough but when he wakes in the morning he will be sorry and talk me round, I couldn't get him out if I wanted to.

He has sais before when I have suggested we split he will ruin the rest of my live and kill anyone I have any kid of relationship with, he says he will always be there.

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InMyHumbleOpinion · 03/10/2007 22:47

the emetophobia is not the reason your husband is a heavy drinker, nor is it the reason he subjected you to a torrent of abuse tonight. Stop accepting the blame for the consequences of his behavior.

he sounds like an absolute fucking cock, and I know it is easier to blame emetophobia than face the fact that you are living with and tolerating a complete twat, but as soon as you do, the guilt will lift.

He's a twat, and you have not made him one. A nice man wouldn't react like this.

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FrannyandZombie · 03/10/2007 22:47

I don't normally do relationship threads, I am too bossy, but I didn't want you to have no replies

am pleased you are getting lots of advice now

am off to bed but will follow further posts and hope this can work out for you

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nightshade · 03/10/2007 22:48

unfortunately situations like this don,t change, speaking from both personal and professional experience.

there is however a life outside of this situation, but you have to be ready in yourself to make the break.

you will only be ready to do this when you fully realise that you have more to gain than lose by leaving, and that it is only fear that makes you stay!

sorry to be so blunt but just goig to bed and wanted to leave a response!

a nights sleep (or tossing and turning) always helps throw light on an issue! suggest you get some.

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FrannyandZombie · 03/10/2007 22:48

You can get help from the police if he is threatening you like that

write down the things he says and does, you may need to refer to it

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xXxamyxXx · 03/10/2007 22:49

you poor thing this will probably be a silly question but what is emetophobia if you dony mind me asking

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Ellbell · 03/10/2007 22:50

Oh, you poor thing. Please, please try to understand that you have not caused this. This has nothing to do with your emetophobia. Your emetophobia hasn't ruined your life. Your dh is ruining your life. He is being totally unreasonable and what he is doing to you is mental/emotional abuse. No wonder you feel a wreck.

I also have emetophobia, as you may know (God knows... enough fellow 'phobes have come and held my hand on here!), so I know how hard it is to be rational about this. But really really... it does not make you a bad mother. I honestly do know what a controlling and pervasive phobia it is, but it does not make you a bad mother. If you didn't care about your kids and whether they were ill or not... then maybe you'd be a bad mother. But it's my guess that you hate them being unwell, and also hate the fact that you can't do anything to make them feel better, yes? I don't know how old your dc are, but this will get easier to manage the older they get. And no mo no, they would not be better off without you.

But I digress, because this really isn't about your phobia. Your dh is picking on this because he knows it's your weak point. He is being evil and manipulative... it's like kicking you in your bad knee, only more insidious, because he knows that whatever he throws at you over the phobia you will take up and torment yourself with more than he ever could. He is playing mind games with you.

I am not one to leap in and say 'leave him' at the first difficulty. (Have had difficulties of my own...) But honestly I do feel that you have given this man enough of your life, and that unless he is prepared to give up the drink and to treat you with some common human decency, then you really need to be thinking about ways out of there.

Have you tried Relate? Would he go? Do you think that he is actually prepared to try to change - and change permanently?

Hang on in there. I have to go do some work now, but will come back and see if you're still here before I go to bed.

Not sure if you're a hug-avoider, so I'll send you good, strong, positive vibes instead. You can get through this. You have done nothing wrong. Good luck!

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PeachesMcScream · 03/10/2007 22:50

Fear of being sick. I only know this because there are several lovely people on MN who have spoken of having the same problem.

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turquoisenights · 03/10/2007 22:52

i am sorry but you and your children will be better without him.
it may be pessimist but his alcohol problem doesnt seem to go away.
dont waste your life and yr dc's life with him and he wont be a good role model to yr dcs.
contact to women's aid before doing anything.
i understand how you became isolated, its all because you hadn't time.
wish you lots of good luck.

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