My mother is driving me mad.....................i think this might be a long one.

[lucyellensmum]

I am totally at a loss about my mother. I just do not know what to do. I find it very hard to be sympathetic and im just losing my patience, i have my own family and my own problems (im on ADs for depression myself)

She is most definately (IMO) severely depressed. But she refuses to even go to the doctors. This has all come about since my father died two years ago (and this is the underlying route of it im sure) But she has found out that her sister (from australia) has taken some photos from her house, probably when she was visiting my dad in hospital as her sister does have access. Or did have. The whole saga has dragged on for nearly two years now, it flares up from time to time. Anyway, this woman is over at the moment and has just inherited her brother in laws house. (she would openly say that she wished he would drop dead so they would get the house - shes 80btw, my mum is 73). Since then my mum has found loads of things in her house that her sister has apparently swapped her decent stuff for shitty replacements. From duvets and peg sets to gold necklaces. Now the thing is, as mad as it sounds, i would not put it past her sister to have taken the photos, and taken SOME things from my mothers house as she is that type of person, and would definately have routed through when my mum wasnt there etc. She clearly wouldnt bother with duvets and peg sets, but its just eating my mother away. She now thinks that she has swapped a gold necklace worht a considerable sum of money. What do i think? I havent got a clue, would she? Yes! HAs she, i'm not sure.

My mother just gets into a screaming rage and i have had her on the phone to me for an hour (in the mean time ive prepared DDs lunch and bottle, cleaned the kitchen! whilst balancing the phone on my neck) screaming at me that i dont support her, she is going to kill her sister but she can't think of a way to get her on her own (like what the hell am i supposed to do about this!), she is just going on and on and on, same thing over and over (no she doesnt have alzhiemers, shes always been like this, always) and i jsut say, i dont know what you want me to do - she has had the police involved which of course they didnt believe her, probably think she is barking mad (she could well be!). As i said, i believe some of it, but its beyond proof. I have cut all contact with this aunt but cannot see what else my mother expects me to do. Because i try and point out to her how it would affect me and my children if she were to do something (believe me, she would) she just screams at me that i dont believe her.

IT is just an impossibel situation, she rings me at 7.30 every morning and im usually just sorting out DD so the phone just rings and rings over and over, then she screams at me why dont i answer, even when im out and my mobile is off there are demented messages, answer your fucking phone etc etc.

I know i dont seem very sympathetic, but i really dont need this, i have severe anxiety and depression and i can just about hold it together but my mother can make me feel like shit in seconds. Part of me just wishes she would go and carry out all of her threats and be done with it, then i dont have to listen to it any more. Its the same thing over and over and i can do NOTHING to help her.

I tried to say to her today, look, this has made you ill, please go to the doctor, she just started saying how i dont help her and dont want to know and now i think she is mad, completely irrational. As i said, she has always been like this, it is because she doesnt now have my father to make his life hell that she is looking for another outlet.

Saying all of this, my mother is the kindest person i know, who adores her grand children and will do anything for us, she would give us her last penny. I just feel so helpless, i cant MAKE her go to the doctors, and if i go and talk to her doctor (who is as useful as a chocolate tea pot!) without her she is going to see that as a betrayal. She only has her sister and sister in law, and her children in her family now, but they basically avoid her like the plague because of all this. I try and include her as much as i can, i have her look after my dd while i work one day a week, this is helpful to me but it is really good for her as she is fantasitc with my dd who adores her nanny. Now i am probably going to have to call into work for the fourth week in a row and tell them i cant work, and its pretty obvious they are going to run outof patience pretty damn soon.

I dont need this, i just want to (as my DP keeps begging me to do) live my life, from day to day, no stress, no drama, no worries. Ive had enough, i can't cope with her shit, but im too weak to stand up to her. I want to help but she wont let me, what can i do?

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Poor you that sounds like a really, really difficult situation LucyEllensmium.

This is going to sound harsh but I think you need to protect your own health first - you will be no use to your mum if you don't - and if that means setting some boundaries then so be it. Could you suggest that you won't be as available to her if she doesn't seek medical help?

I know she is ill and you love her very much but she is an adult who is ultimately responsible for her own life and she is asking too much of you. Even if you could give her more support (and it sounds like you already give her plenty) it probably wouldn't be beneficial to her ultimately. And you can't really be expected to get involved in a dispute between her and her sister.

Could she afford to go and see a good psychologist privately? (You may need to shop around to find the right one.) They would help her to come to terms with her bereavement and enable her to get back on her own two feet again.

I really feel for you. It's a really awful situation to be in. Don't feel guilty. You need to protect your own health for the sake of your children and yourself.

[lucyellensmum]

thanks for the reply, i totally agree with all you have said, but if you knew my mother, you would know that she just wouldnt accept any of that. She is physically unwell too and was recently hospitalised. She discharged herself from the hospital against their advice after calling all the nurses (who were lovely) all the names under the sun, she ended up smacking me in the face because i told her i wish she had stayed in the hospital as i was then going to have to worry about her all night. How can you help soemone who doesnt want to be helped? I am now worried aobut leaving her with DD but if i take that away then what does she have, apart from her dog. Which is too blardy big for her, has no manners and that is totally my fault as i lumbered her with it.

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Oh gosh ... I see ... . that's bloody tough. Is she resistant to medical help because of her depression(ie is mental illness clouding her judgement?) or is her resistance due to her underlying personality?? Or is it too difficult to tell?

I ask because if former then I suppose more intervention on your part might be appropriate, if latter, then you can't help someone of sound mind who doesn't want to be helped. Doesn't make it any easier for you though.

Sorry you are going through this.

[barnstaple]

This is so hard. Obviously she is being irrational regardless of what her sister is doing/has done. Is she ever calm and rational? Can you grab one of those moments when she is, to at least set some boundaries. Can you explain to her that you cannot take calls before 9:30am (or whatever) as you are getting dd ready etc, and that you cannot listen or respond properly while you are trying to get those sort of things done; that there are times when you cannot answer the phone and it is very disconcerting to find her shouting at you on the voicemail or whatever. Have you tried playing back a message from her to her? Does she know what she sounds like?

Perhaps you can gradually introduce a bit more sanity into the situation, little bit by little bit.

You poor thing. Good luck.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

LEM - I feel for you as this sounds a horrible situation for you and your mother. I have had similar problems with my mum - she suffers from depression and was widowed in her 40's - she is not one for screaming down the phone - but she is paranoid and irrational - for her it is generally money problems and the fact she has no life outside our family.

But she is in her 50's and currently on AD's having taken herself of to the docs and is on the waiting list for counselling.

It is true that you cannot force someone to get help - they have to choose to get help for themselves. Your mum being in her 70's is not from an era where admitting 'mental health' problems was acceptable, this may be an issue stopping her from admitting difficult truths. You are also too close to the situation - does your mum have any friends you could call upon to have a gentle word with her? Her peers may get a better response? I have been helped with mum by by half sister who is close to mum as her step daughter but sufficiently emotionally 'distant' to provide a more objective ear, and a bit of tough love (or nagging) when mum needed it.

Do maintain a connection if you can - if her relationship with your dc is good then it is beneficial to her and your child to keep it going. Try to keep a distance from her paranoia as it is not healthy to get too embroiled - let her rant - sympathise then immediately forget what she has told you. I have found having the phone on speaker while i potter about kitchen v useful!

hth - I must do dinner...

[muppetgirl]

My mother is an alcoholic who is depressed and a lot of what you have said rings true with me also. When my mother started with the phonecalls I was 14 and so I got an answerphone and let her rant away quite merrily into it. I turned the volume down and didn't have to listen. You can then screen your calls and also play her back the tapes when she is in a calm frame of mind to show her what her behaviour is like. (My mother couldn't remember what she had siad most of the time and flatly denied it.)

If you answer your moble you have 2 choices, to carry on letting her abuse you or to say in a clam voice 'You are upsetting me with what you are saying at the monent, can we talk when you have calmed down?' Or soemthing like that...then tell her you are going to have to hang up and then do. Hopefully she will realise that in order to talk to you, she has to be clam. I know this may sound harsh/like I'm teaching you to suck eggs but this is obviously really distressing you and you need to gain back some control.

You also have to think of how this is affecting your dc. I have vivid memories of my mother screaming down the phone at my relatives when she was still at home, your children will feel your stress/tension and apprehension about your mother no matter how 'great' a grandmother she is. No child likes to see thier mother upset.

I hope this helps a little...

[Webdiva]

Hi LEM
I agree with muppetgirl and have had to do similar thing myself with my aunt. For years I jumped immediately to her aid, always there with a listening ear until I realised I had to put myself first - for the sake of me and my family.

I did just what mg is saying and it did not go down at all well to begin with. But gradually and in time, she began to respect "my space" and then when she found I was able to help her much more when I had the time to, I think she realised that it was in her benefit as much as anyone elses!
Really hope things work out x

[muppetgirl]

How's it going LEM?

[lucyellensmum]

Hi, i posted on my other thread muppet

Things appear to have settled down, i predict a few more riots before he sister goes back, her latest idea is that she is going to get on the next plane after her and make her go through her house to prove she doesnt have her stuff. Slight technical problem with that - the dog ate her passport - lol.

Mothers eh - trouble is, it worries me slightly that in about 30 years time for dd2 (15 for dd1!!)that she will posting similar rants on an equivalent forum about me!!!! What goes around and all that

[webdiva]

Glad things have settled down for you a bit lem. It's sooo tough caring for someone close to you when you have a million concerns of your own to deal with.

The added strain of it being your own mum ( the guilt etc, knowing what you know now being a mum yourself and all the times she's been there for you too...rah de rah) must make it all seem nigh impossible at times!

But you strike me as being such a together person, despite all that's going on, and someone who really cares. I think you could well take comfort in knowing that all this will probably help avoid a similar situation with your own dds in the future.

My only advice is to keep gently plugging away at suggesting your mum finds some help somewhere of her own - she probably feels dead guilty deep down and knows she's putting a lot on you, but she needs to come to that conclusion herself and may be nearer to this than you think. When and if she does find some help for herself she'll probably feel quite empowered.

Is there anyone else you think she might be able to talk to? does she have any other interests friends etc? Could you have a chat with them? Sometimes it's easier to hear good advice when it comes from outside the family circle (which can be v annoying for those within it!!).

Keep at it and don't feel guilty in putting yourself first sometimes x