How do I help someone help themselves, and protect myself and baby too?

[Webdiva]

I'm newish to mumsnet and feel a bit different to most here. I am not depressed at the moment but have had it rear its head a couple of times before I became a mum myself. Am trying everything to ward it off, terrfiied that PND may come its way to me too. We've had such awful stuff happen in our famliy around depression and mental illness and its caring for my aunt who has serious MH probs at times that causes me much anxiety myself.

It used to be not knowing what mental illness was all about that stressed me as I didn't know how to help but it was all on me to help, if you know what I mean. I then cracked under pressure of it all - degree, job, aunt trying several attempts to commit suicide.

We're through all this now, my aunts child has been adopted which is a whole other story but at least she is not caught up in this nightmare.

What's weird is that getting depressed myself was a good thing in a way. (Even the experience of seroxat which initally sent me to jupiter and a bit loopy loo until things levelled out) makes me able to uderstand and help my aunt better now when she's ill.

What I can't deal with though is my aunts situation with a guy who has major issues - he's abusive and manipulative - been kicked out of his own family , got no friends etc and is a vulture to my aunt who is vulnerable.

This has been going on for years and everytime she has got the strength to kick him out - he's weedled his way back in days/weeks later because he knows she's scared of him. It nearly went to court recently but aunt didn't press charges - the police had loads on him but she got too scared to go through with it. To be honest I'd have loved to see him locked up but I don't know whether it would have done him any good - he really needs psychiatric help.

I don't know what to do - she called me last night to say she was scared he'll hurt me and my baby because he blames me for her having called the police on him, even though there;s times when she's found the strength to make the decsion to dial 999 herself I've had nothing to do with - he's deluded and paranoid - thinks neighbours are shouting at him through the walls.

Trouble is I don't now whether she is just scared and paranoid too - he's not actually done or said anything to her that actually idicates he would hurt me or DS but it's a massive fear to her.

It's such a scary situation and you people give such good advice, can anyone help?

[madamez]

It might be helpful to contact the police who have been dealing with your aunt's case against this guy and tell them that your aunt has said he might come after you. He will be on their records as it is, and the possibility that he may be a risk to you (as well as to your aunt and possibly others as well) might make them take further action or at least another look at him. If this man is psychotic (it sounds as though he is) and a danger to himself/other people then he can be sectioned, whatever your aunt thinks about it and whatever he thinks about it.

THis soudns a dreadful situation, my sympatheis to you.

[Webdiva]

Thank you madamez I'm so glad someone's there and your words are wise. I'm reluctant to wade in with size 9s and call the police as when I have done this before it seems to have made matters worse - gotten this guy more angry you see and the police can't do anything unless something actually happens. I just don't know for sure sometimes whether things are just in my aunts head because of her illness, and I just don't know if there's any other option.

He does sound psychotic but believe me he's capable of handling himself and can twist things very well to make it sound like my aunt is making things up. Her mum & dad are so fed up with the situation - aunt does swing from one extreme to another about wanting this animal in her life ( actually thats too harsh on animals, he's a monster).

He has at least moved out and it seems last night she was able to tell him she didn't want to see him and for the first time I know she didn't go runnng to see him and he stayed away. This is a major step and I don't want to cock it up if he really is beginning to leave her alone.

Do you still think I should tell the police?

[Webdiva]

By the way I should add he does not know where I live which reduces my anxiety a little

[madamez]

OK well you know more than i do about your own situation (do you have a DP or a housemate or any other adult either living with you or nearby, btw). If he doesn't know where you live then the risk is probably low (unless there's a likelihood of him finding out). Does he know your phone number? If he does anything such as sending you nasty texts - or even emails - keep a record of them. He may go away and find someone else to prey on, or he may melt down in a spectacular fashion and be carted off, never to bother you again.

YOu might also find it useful to have a word with WOmen's AId, oir does your local council have any kind of domestic violence unit? Talking it through with a professional might be helpful even if no action is taken.
Best of luck.

[Webdiva]

Sorry it's unfair of me to put you on the spot - it's my decision & responsibility to decide what to do. I'm just finding it hard to deal with this and be a working mum too in a job with loads of pressures - it's hard enough as it is.

[Webdiva]

Thank you sorry posts crossed in the ether I think. I will try womens aid and dv unit tomorrow.
Thank you for trying x