self harm scars, how to explain to DS?

[Meglet]

I have some pretty big self harm scars on both my upper arms (1998ish) and lots of smaller ones on the insides of my wrists (1993). Am fine these days and haven't suffered depression since I discovered martial arts, yoga and the gym BUT am totally freaked at the thought of having to explain them to my DS when he is older - he is only 10 months.

I don't want him to think it is a sensible thing to do nor do I want him to think I am totally deranged. I suppose I could keep them covered up until he is much bigger if it is likely to feak him out.

Anyone been through this? What should I tell him ?

[worriermum]

I haven't been through it but I thought perhaps my experience with DS could be useful to you. He has a very rare condition (mastocytosis - anyone else dealt with it?) that produces bumpy spots on his body. It can be quite disfiguring. I agonised forever about what to say to him about it. But he's now 3.9 months and has never asked, although he's a bright, curious boy. What I realised is that children accept what is, and that your body will simply be your body to him, and - this is really the point of this post - that he will take his cue to the scars from you. If you believe them to be something shameful and secret then he will too. If you have genuinely made your peace with your past, dealt with whatever sadness you have and acknowledged whatever pride and relief there is too, then your ds will pick that up. What I'm trying to say is if these scars are a big deal to you, then they will be to him, and that the reverse applies too. Have you considered just saying "Mummy got a cut - we scar when we get cut" if and when he asks? It may be enough.

But whatever you do, I believe it would be wrong to cover up your body in front of your ds - that you would be modelling something much more damaging (ie shame) if you did that. Sorry so long - I hope this is of some use. Good luck with it.

[JodieG1]

I have quite a lot on my arm, I used to self harm and also tried to cut my wrists so I have scars from that still. I did it in 1997 iirc and earlier for the smaller ones and the scars are very noticeable still.

My oldest is 5.7 and hasn't asked about them but I haven't thought what I will say if she does. Probably the truth in a ligher way (if that's possible) as I don't like to lie or cover things up with them.

I'm very self conscious about my scars now and they also remind me of what I did every day so it's harder to forget. Wish they weren't there but nothing has got rid of them so far.

I have smaller ones on my leg that I did later but these aren't as easily seen.

[Meglet]

Thanks for these posts.

worrier & jodie think your point about not being ashamed about them is spot on. When I used to go out in the evenings I didn't bother to cover them up and I've never had any problems from people about them, the same at the gym. Although my DP's family are really old fashioned and would be freaked out by them.

I won't cover them up but I'll think of some gentle answers to the inevitable questions when he's bigger.

[wurlywoo]

I havent been thjrough this myself yet, however I have some pretty heavy scars on my left arm when I self harmed throughout the year of 1996 when I was 16.

It is difficult for me to explain to anyone random who asks what they are, but I am 5 1/2 months pg and no doubt when my child grows up they will be just as curious about this as they will be about my deafness I have in both ears. Even friends kids often ask what my hearing aids are or what the scars are.

They believe anything you say of course as kids are so innoncent. However, I am too honest for my own good, and even though they probably wont understand, I think if my child asks I wont say mummy cut her herself once I shall say the truth.

I know that it must be hard but I woudl try not to civer them up this is to helo you accept them as well as your child they are part of you your life story and dont be ashamed of them.

I hope that is helpful, I totally understand you being anxious about this, as I have thought the same about my child..