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Mental health

How can I stop myself being manipulated by my father?

6 replies

bananabump · 04/09/2007 20:55

Sorry, didn't know what topic to write this under... I do feel depressed about this but I'm more just at my wits end with it.

Basically my dad is an alcoholic, but even before he started drinking he was always very manipulative, agressive and constantly causing trouble. A couple of years ago he decided he wasn't speaking to my sister any more because she said she wasn't prepared to bring her children over to his filthy house to see him late at night because he couldn't be bothered getting up til 6pm.

She said he was welcome to come over to her house and see the kids, but that wasn't good enough for him- he doesn't like visiting or phoning anyone because he sees every visit/phonecall he gets as a gauge of his popularity, so he wouldn't be able to see how popular he was if he made the first move (for gods sake) so for that reason and a few others, he decided to cut them out of his life, but made out to everyone that she was keeping him away from her kids because their other grandfather had more money than him (the mind boggles).

Ever since then he uses me to get information about them covertly, asking me details about their life (which I feel uncomfortable witholding) and then judging them or using it for gossip. He also appears to have an unnatural interest in my niece (now in her teens) which is another reason why we wanted to limit his exposure to the kids.

After over two years of ignoring that side of the family, he decided to come to a christening and still snubbed my sister and her partner, while beckoning to her children and speaking to them/hugging them etc. I'm really angry that he would do this, but I'm not good at saying what I feel, it's a pathetic excuse but I'm the youngest sibling and he used to be very aggressive and terrorised the family. I've never confronted him about anything and I don't think I can.

I've been trying to keep the family together since mum died just over two years ago (haven't done a very good job of it, have I?) which means I usually bend over backwards to keep the peace, but this time I'm just fed up of being susceptible to his manipulations. I'm also angry that he turned the christening into "The Dad Show" but turning up unexpectedly (he even followed our car all the way there, even when we took a wrong turn, creepy fucker) and made everyone at the do uncomfortable and on edge on a day which was supposed to be a celebration.

He has rung my house twice this evening, I haven't picked up because I know he's going to want to ask me sneaky questions about what was said about him. He'll make me account for my whereabouts and why I didn't answer when I do finally speak to him. I know I shouldn't have to, I'm fed up of having this weight on my shoulders by this slimy creepy emotionally blackmailing abusive old drunk. I really dislike him and don't trust him at all, but I'm too guilty to fall out with him/cut him out of our lives because he's lonely and lives by himself.

I wish I knew how to stand up for myself against him and tell him my whereabouts etc are none of his business, and to stop using me for information. Has anyone else dealt with a manipulative parent like this? Sorry for the long moan, I needed to get it out!

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AZmom · 04/09/2007 21:45

May I ask how old you are?
If your dads house is filthy, clean it up a bit.What ever,when he gets aggressive, dont yell, or show anger, just bite your tongue & say yes dad.You are in a sad way, I think.I am in the US & I dont know if life is the same as there.If you are old enough, find a part time job,something to do
& keep you away from the house.Alcohol is a bad thing when over used.I had a friend that was so different when he was drunk.

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AZmom · 04/09/2007 22:11

I read a book once,on how to deal with difficult sitions.When he tries to control your life,ask him what he did at your age?try to turn things back to him.If accused of something,tell him it is amazing he would think that?when he tries to find out about what others are doing, tell him to call them, cause you do not know,your busy with whatever you can be busy with & have not had time, or have not seen them???Would any of this help you?Write me [email protected] if you think I can help you.I am an old granny with lots of expierences.

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Jackstini · 04/09/2007 22:19

Hi BB - how old are you and how long ago did you leave home? Am presuming your dad lives alone now...
One way you can divert the questions is by telling him only what you think, no-one else and repeating - "I am sorry, I can't speak for them, you will have to ask them yourself" It will be hard but hopefully he will get the message. Might be easier to do on the phone than face to face at first. Maybe your sister can agree to help you too by specifically (at your request!) asking you not to tell him anything about her family. That way you can legitimately say, "sorry, I can't tell you" when he asks.
Sounds like it would be a good idea to keep your distance for a few days at least too, one, to help you consider your options and two, to give the kids a break..?
Out of interest - does he acknowledge he is an alcoholic? &/or do anything about it...
Sorry re all the questions just want you to get the best advice possible you can from everyone on here.

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pirategirl · 04/09/2007 22:28

um, tbh, i would say draw a line in the sand, and refuse to let him stp over it anymore.

However say or sorry you feel for him, and that IS allowed and natural, because he is your father, and was married to your mum.

BUT, any more than that, then you have every right to feel angry, hurt, used, miserable and fed up.

Draw the line, you can see right thru him, and seem very intelligent emotionally about it/him/the situation.

I canot comment on his alcohol prob, but of course i have sympathy, yet he does have an awful attitude, personality, and major chips on his shoulder. These cant be your responsibility anymore.

shed them.

Just say, 'dad, i am not talking to you about (sister's family) anymore' end of.

it is so hard to see the wood for the trees isnt it.

hth x

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bananabump · 04/09/2007 23:40

Thanks guys. Azmom, I'm 25, left home at 18. When I say dads house is filthy it's so bad there are maggots in the kitchen and cat shit everywhere. He does nothing at all so I'm not going to clean up his mess, I'm not taking my newborn anywhere near his house in fact!

Jackstini, he does acknowledge he's an alcoholic but although he talks about getting help he never does. He's just as problematic and troublesome withot the booze in fact.

Some great advice there, thanks all of you, I would write more but baby is crying, I gotta go!

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Jackstini · 05/09/2007 12:23

BB - state of your Dad's house sounds completely enough reason to me not to visit him at all.
Until he, his clothes and house are clean tell him it will be phone calls only (both ways!) and that you will be glad to talk about you and yours - no-one else!
Good luck

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