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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

things have finally caught up with me ten months after Nigel died

90 replies

Yorkiegirl · 16/06/2007 07:52

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Scootergrrrl · 16/06/2007 07:53

I'm sure you're the mummy they'd rather have above all others though.
Hang on in there - you've had a rotten time and this is just part of your journey out to the other side x.

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bonkerz · 16/06/2007 07:57

Hi YG, Your girls are the luckiest girls because they have you. You are a strong woman who is just having a blip and we are all allowed that and you more than most after everything that has happened. Being strong also means accepting help when its needed and by going on ADs you are being tremendously strong. Take some time out for you and concentrate on whats most important. ((hugs))

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schneebly · 16/06/2007 07:57

Yorkie - you have been trhrough so much. I know what it is like to feel like you are a horrible parent but the best thing you could do for your girls is see your GP which you have done. After I started on AD's it took about 2 weeks and everything looked brighter and I was far more calm and less snappy with my DSs. It will get better sweetheart. Take all the time you need off work and enjoy some extra time with your girls when you start to feel better. x

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holsnovell · 16/06/2007 08:00

You sound like a strong woman yg and your girls will be proud of such a great mummy even at this hard time. Take care x

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ernest · 16/06/2007 08:03

YG, I'm glad you're getting help. It must have been the most horrific few months for you. As Scootergrrrl said, this is a long and hard journey and at some point it will become more bearable, but so so hard to have your dh taken away so suddenly and dramatically.

You're doing your best and your dds love you. You will once again be the mummy you want to be, but right now, you're still the mummy they want and need and love

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daisyboo · 16/06/2007 08:03

Yorkiegirl......it might seem very bleak at the moment, but it will get better. you've started the process of getting better, and it'll take time. I know how you feel where your DCs are con=cerned, I have been there too with my DS, thinking I'm the worst mum in the world. But as scootergrrrl said...you're their mum and they love you. Take as much time off work as you need to get yourself on an even keel and spend some time with your kids without the added pressure of work, they will love it and it'll make you feel better about your relationship with them (well it worked for me anyway)...and I hope things improve for you soon.....

...Take care

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popsycal · 16/06/2007 08:04

YG - you have been through so much and have been amazngly strong to get this far. think the weight loss has given you something to focus on (as have your gorgeous girls) and now you have reached your weight goal, you have kind of have one less thing to think about iyswim. You are allowed to grieve and feel awful. It hasn't been long.

YOu know where I am

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BellaLasagne · 16/06/2007 08:04

Hello YG, you have certainly been through the mill, but from what I've read you are so strong and are doing the right thing.

Hang on in there, be kind to yourself, and I'm sure your close friends on here will help you through this.

I notice that you said the worst times were at work. Is there something happening there that is triggering these 'attacks'?

BL xx

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Yorkiegirl · 16/06/2007 08:06

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DrNortherner · 16/06/2007 08:09

Oh Yorkie. This is nothing to be ashamed of, and I am not suprised most things seems horribly negative after what you have been through. It's all part of greiving.

Yuor girl are gorgeous and they love you. How do you feel about taking time off work?

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BellaLasagne · 16/06/2007 08:10

If it is work causing this then you need to take some time off. Even if your employer is not too sympathetic surely your GP will sign you off for at least 2 weeks?

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SchroedingersCat · 16/06/2007 08:10

Yorkiegirl - I am firstly very sorry to hear about your loss. It must have been hard for you.

I am glad that you have finally come to realise that you are depressed, it is the first step to getting to feel better again. I relly hope the fluoxetine will help.

Not much else I can say, apart from that I am thinking of you. Children are resilient and can take a lot of things, what you are showing them is that life is sometimes difficult and can affect people negatively, but that you as a strong person can find a way to cope. That is a positive message that in time they will learn from you.

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SimplySparkling · 16/06/2007 08:14

YG - You might not remember me. We spoke on the phone once when you made a lovely card for my nephew. I think he'd hurt his arm.

Getting help is the first step and so many of us have been there and got better that we can say with conviction that you're doing what is needed. You will get better. It must be so hard to be without Nigel, your loving relationship with him was evident from your posts.

Lost for words. Take care. x

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Mhamai · 16/06/2007 08:15

Yorki by the very nature of who you are you won't let that happen and by going to your gp and being on the ads for a bit, that itself is you being proactive. I don't know about you re ads but when I had to take them in the past I think I battled with my pride somewhat.

You have been through so much and maybe this time is time for you to know that now you need time and care. I'm rushing out the door but I've no doubt you will get tons of support here. I'll mail you later if that's ok?

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Blackduck · 16/06/2007 08:18

YG nothing to add really - your strength shines through everything you write on MN. This is part of the process, you haven't gone a full year yet, you are more than allowed some 'down time'. You have been so strong - take it easy, cut yourself some slack, and give yourself the space you need.

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DelGirl · 16/06/2007 08:21

so sorry you're feeling like this, though I have to say, it had to happen sometime, you have to let go, you can't keep going indefinitely. You have been so so strong. Things/circumstances/things you have to do when someone dies keep you going along on auto pilot. Think of them as an extra support for as long as you need them. fwiw, I went on them after dd was born as I felt finally thats when I could 'give in'. I'm still on them now.

You're also coming up to the anniversary which is a very difficult time even if you don't think it. You may well feel a slight weight lifted afterwards at least temporariliy.

take care xx

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Charleesunnysunsun · 16/06/2007 08:37

YG Sweetheart you have been thorugh so much and have been so strong your girls are lucky to have you.
I haven't been thorugh nearly as tough time as you but i have had a big shock that i stayed calm and 'strong' through but now 5 months later am a wreck at times just cant do anything. I knw the ony thing thats been keeping me going are family and friends.

You have taken the first step though addmitting to yourself you are suffering and getting some help from your g.p. and for that in itself shows you a are a great mum.

I hoe the fluroxitine helps you it will take a little while to kick in but hopefully it wil make you start feeling a little better.

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LowFatMilkshake · 16/06/2007 08:40

YG, not sure if this helps but

My dad died when I was 6 and my mum like you fell into a depression. But she was still my mum I never felt the need to question her love for me even though I could see she was sad.

To her dying day I know she felt guilt for this short time when she was getting her head round things, but she was always my mum and she always loved me and me her - no matter what.

You have two beautiful girls and if you let them they will help you through this. Dont be guitly

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Heathcliffscathy · 16/06/2007 08:51

oh YG. It was going to catch up with you...you are brave to acknowledge how awful it feels atm.

You are not a bad mum, as a family you are all suffering the consequences of a sudden and shocking loss of that most important person.

Loving thoughts to you.

Am afraid to post this as I've recently been accused of 'spouting psychobabble' but.....have you got someone to TALK to about all of this, as well as the important steps of taking a step back from working and the help of anti-depressants.

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anorak · 16/06/2007 09:07

Yorkiegirl sweetie, I feel so much for you, just wish I could give you a huge hug right now. Of course you feel rotten. You've tried so hard to soldier on and there has been no room for you to express how lonely and desolate this has been for you. I don't know how you've managed to remain so tranquil, helpful and caring to others when you had all this to deal with. Now you have to accept that it's your turn to feel rotten, it's part of what you need to help you heal. You'll never be happy with losing Nigel, but one day you'll accept it and learn to live with it happily. But first you absolutely need to express your feelings about it - even to yourself. Perhaps you couldn't do this before because it was too raw.

I could ramble on all day but all that really matters is that you are a lovely person and need to have your own space to work this through - and should not for a moment question that fact. Lots of love to you xxx

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Kbear · 16/06/2007 09:12

Yorkie, you have coped with losing Nigel for all this time but now it seems shock has set it. Firstly, one day at a time is probably the best approach. You're a great mum to your girls, I've read enough about you on here to know that. Allow yourself some time to heal now, you've dealt with what had to be dealt with but now it's time for some inner calm for you to recover IYKWIM. Rambling a bit but sounds like you need some support to get through the next stage of your grief and this is the very place to get that support IMO. One day at the time mate.

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Cammelia · 16/06/2007 09:19

YG, the negative feelings and the feelings of not being a nice mummy are all part of the depression. The depression is a normal response to your terrible loss and therefore a necessary thing to go through as part of the healing process. Hang in there, keep talking to your GP and us, lots of love and kisses and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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CuttingCod · 16/06/2007 09:23

agree wiht s
you need someone to offlaod to.

yorkie look at this way if you coudl gte through htis wihtou haveing a turn for th worse htn youd be very odd indeed.

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littlemissbossy · 16/06/2007 09:24

Yorkiegirl, I can't imagine for one minute that you are not a nice mummy to your girls. You appear to have done amazingly well since losing Nigel. I have a friend who lost her DH suddenly and her depression built up when people around her thought she was doing well and therefore expected her to continue to cope. But she wasn't coping and she couldn't continue to meet other peoples expectations they were too high. Time has caught up with you that's all, it's ok to not cope and have rough times but things will get easier in time. Take care of yourself x

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edam · 16/06/2007 09:25

Agree with Cod, anyone would be sideswiped by such a tragedy. And you are are good mummy. Glad you are getting some help. Do you think counselling might be further support?