How do you cope when your partner is so down............

[wonkydonkey]

It feels like im getting dragged in their with him. Hes on self destruct and i cant do any more.............have spent half the night listening to him rant, his answer is to drink and then get really shitty, not violent but just sarcastic and cutting.

God it hurts so much, he is not the person that i loved anymore and its making me cry just to write this. If he walked away today i would be the happiest person around for both me nad the kids. But he is so down, so many things have gone wrong, I am a fighter and he isnt, I deal with things and he doesnt, I have tried all i can to help but he is dragging me down too.

i have our children to look after and he is making our lives a misery, I dont even feel like i would be abandoning him anymore. our kids only get one go at childhood and it is not going to be spent listening to him moaning and criticising. Would it be cruel to say that im sick of him wallowing in self pity??, he is so selfish, we have been through a lot together but i dont think i can take it anymore. He is now upstairs sleeping after spending half the night in an irritating drunken mood, waking me constantly since 3.30am to tell me something else he doesnt like, and how everything is against him including me, Im such a selfish twunt.....He has really hurt me.

I need to stay focussed that I am not the person he says i am...........All i care about (rightly or wrongly) is my children. I really think that i have stopped caring about him..............he has driven all the love out of me.

Please help me focus on what is important, i dont feel like im making sense. Does anyone else ever feel this way, or am i being selfish??. I am sooo tired, he really is taking all my energy and will to keep going from me...XX

[lljkk]

Don't think I can give advice but just want you to know someone read this and feels sympathy.

How long have things been like this? How much does he drink? How many kids and how old?

[Quattrocento]

I am really sorry for your predicament

It is VERY hard for the family and children of depressed people. My mother suffers from clinical depression. It was hard for me to cope with her as a child - truly feel that it blighted my childhood - and it's still hard to cope with it now. Depression is the most selfish of conditions.

Coincidentally I was venting to a friend just yesterday about how little support there is for the family and supporters of depression and she sent me this link www.depressionanon.co.uk.

Haven't tried it yet.

[wonkydonkey]

I would say about 2 years now.........geting more frequent, the DC's are 8 and 5.............thankfully they slept through last nights saga!!!

[Quattrocento]

By the way drinking is the worst thing you can do with depression. If it is depression. Is it worth asking him to go to his GP?

[wonkydonkey]

I have arranged appointments, councelling..............you name it, I have been there too, I have really lost patience with him now though............I feel that self preservation is needed atm, He is dragging me down too and I need to be there for the LO's, they didnt ask for all of this..............sorry dont meant to sound snappy, these are all the things i need to say to him

[Quattrocento]

You are not sounding snappy at all - don't worry (virtual hug)

It is sapping - recognise that so well - would it be possible to ask him to acknowledge the toll he is taking on you and dcs and arrange a way of giving you some much-needed space and time? Oh I don't know - has he got parents some distance away that he can visit for a week?

Mind you I suggested that to my mother once - the response was how selfish I was being - only thinking of myself - she had to suffer this condition - cue for a return to the downward spiral.

[wonkydonkey]

My mother was the same Q.............and i now switch off as soon as she starts to moan about anything, maybe that is why i am so short with DP too.............but i really cant be dealing with it anymore, I just want him to go somewhere away from me so I can get my own house/feelings in order and the kids can relax and be kids.

At the moment i really dont care where it is he goes.............I have just dragged myself back from feeling down about all this and its not going to happen again.

If he walked away today I would close the door behind him, and breathe a big sigh of relief, the way im feeling right now.

[harrisey]

Wanted to send you a hug ((( )))

My dh is depressed. He finds it hard to deal with the kids and can get a bit short with them sometimes, but most of the time he tries so hard to be normal for us. He has sen the GP, is on prozac and is undergoing counselling. He's tired and sleeps a lot, and doesnt have much energy for more than just the basics of life, but is still very loving and helpful, though I know I am carrying the load at the moment, so much seems my responsibility.

This is how I beleive a depressed dh should behave - always do their best (I've been there myself with bad PND so I appreciate how hard it is) and not to make your life any harder than it already is. Sounds like your dh is out of control and not making any effort at all,adn it is him being selfish, not you.

Take care, keep posting. I know how hard it is to get them to go for counselling etc - took me 6 months to get my dh (whi IS a GP) to the GP, and another year to get himinto counselling, but it is so worth it.

Hope things improve for you soon.

[lljkk]

How ya' doing, Wonky?
Maybe it would benefit you to get counselling, too? If only to have someone as a sounding board to work through your options and find the least painful way forward.

[wonkydonkey]

thanks guys.................took the kids to my mates for a bit yesterday, went home and blew my top on him, absolutley scared the shoite out of him.

Told him to get a grip, stop being so fecking selfish and get out of bed and do something or feck off and dont come back.

Short sharp shock treatment.

Up to now...since yesterday, he has painted the front of the house, and grouted the kitchen floor, (both have been stood waiting for 2 months to be completed)

He does need help and he is full of self pity, but I am past caring and unless he gets on with it and gets some help I can do nothing. Maybe I am heartless I am also old school, there are a lot of things we just need to get on with. Self help is the best help and i believe he can do this. Generations before us didnt have councillors and therapy..........I do believe they are a great help, I have had councilling myself, and i would love him to go and talk to someone, but i also think that there is a lot we can do ourselves............While he is busy and making progress with little DIY projects he is not thinking about other stuff, and im happy as thinks are moving around the house.

The kids are happy because dad is up and about............and they didnt need to hear the rocket i gave him yesterday (oh i said some horrible things - that was the best therapy)

[Bouquetsofdynomite]

Hiya, wanted to give a hug.
Are his parents still around? Could you send him off there so you can all have a break? Maybe absence could make the heart grow fonder...