New here and not coping at all

[black31cat]

Hi,
Sorry to intrude here, but I?m feeling so low and just need to vent. I have a nine week old baby and I?m not coping well at all. The house is messy, I have a huge pile of ironing, and although I make things look ok on the surface, I?m not on top of things and I just cry all the time. I?m exhausted because every time I wake up after the nigh feeds I can?t get back to sleep because my mind is racing. I have no appetite at all, and have to force myself to do anything at all. I feel so guilty because my husband and baby deserve much better than this.
My husband is lovely, but I feel like I can?t keep complaining to him because I?ve put him through a lot already. I had a horrible pregnancy because I have a rare form of kidney disease which meant I was in and out of hospital throughout the pregnany and went into premature labour 3 times, but was pulled back from the brink. Eventually I was induced at 38 weeks, ds was in distress throughout and was back to back and had a hand in front of his face. I ended up with ventouse and forceps, shoulder dystocia, a 3rd degree tear and a severe haemorrhage which needed blood transfusions. Ds was in SCBU for a week due to wet lungs, hypoglycaemia and jaundice, but thankfully is fine now.
I know that I should be grateful that we are both ok, but I can?t seem to move on, even though I know I?m just being selfish and need to get a grip. On top of this, the pregnancy has exacerbated my other condition, and I need major surgery to correct it. At the moment the local NHS has cancelled all non urgent treatment, so that has been put on hold as well.
Just to cap it all I just had a huge row with my mother who has a big problem with the fact that I?m still breastfeeding. For the last week or so my baby has been wanting to feed every two hours. He?s gaining weight fine, but my mother constantly tells me that I?m starving him, and that ?normal? people have stopped breastfeeding now, and that its not fair on him to continue. She said that the breastfeeding is also why I still haven?t got my figure back ( I?m still a size larger than pre pregnancy and hate myself for it.)

When the HV did the Edinburgh test I scored 15 but she said that it didn?t matter because I had a reason to be depressed and if she was in my situation she would probably have scored 30! As far as my friends and the outside world are concerned, I seem to be coping fine, but I just feel like a fraud.
I don?t expect anyone to get to the end of this, and I know that there are no answers, but I just needed to vent to someone.

[vimfuego]

{{hug}}, so sorry to read what you're going through. I think you should talk to your husband, I'm sure he'll understand.

[October]

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[TooTicky]

Oh you poor thing! Firstly, well done for breastfeeding especially if your mother is giving you a hard time about it!!
Have you tried co-sleeping with your baby? I have done this with all four of mine and it really helps because you don't have to wake up fully for the feed. I too have problems with my mind racing if I get up at night. I also find that reading distracts me until my eyes are too tired to stay open.
Having a young baby is stressful and tiring and you are coping brilliantly. Try and eliminate all unnecessary jobs (I never iron anything ) and don't worry about the state of the house - just do what you can and concentrate on getting as much rest and sleep as you can because you really need it and because sleep deprivation makes everything seem 10 times worse.
Things will get better! Your husband and baby are lucky to have you. Don't be hard on yourself.

[maveta]

Wow, what a lot you have been through. I am so sorry things are so tough for you right now.. have you spoken to your dh about how you really feel? There´s so much stuff in there that I kind of agree with your HV that it´s no wonder you feel down but still - I´m not sure that doesn´t mean you shouldn´t get some kind of help??? I am not sure what the Edinburgh test is or what your score means, I´m sorry..

If you want support re. breastfeeding maybe you could post part of this on the breastfeeding board, I am sure the girls there could help reassure you, it sounds like you are doing a great job to still be breastfeeding through all of this.. why does your Mum think you´re starving him?? Does the HV feel he is gaining weight ok? Do you want to keep going with it? If yes to these then don´t listen to your Mum.. as for the size thing, as far as I am aware all evidence points to breastfeeding helping you to get your figure back. One size bigger than pre pregnancy after 9 weeks sounds more than fine to me!!

I really am sorry you are having a rough time, hopefully someone will be along shortly with more practical advice for you. take care

[TooTicky]

Oh, I'm also a homoeopathy evangelist - I thoroughly recommend it.

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

You're having a hell of a time. But I can only add to what others have said, sod the housework, sod those who think b/f is a problem, it is your baby and your body. Speak to the HV again as I don't think she has been as supportive as she should have been. Things will get better and feel free to come on here and get plenty moral support and hugs.

[chocolateshoes]

Good for you for sticking with the b/feeding - it is worth it. My parents had a simialar reaction to your Mum at first and really striggled to get their heads round it all. However I b/fed to 14 mths and they had to admit that DS was the healthiest of all the other babies around.I think that generation are far more into bottle feeding because it is what everyone did at that time.

I still don't do ironing - I stopped after DS was born 21 mths ago! Hang things out neatly & most of it won't need ironing. If your husband needs work shirts could you take them to a launderette to be ironed? At any rate keep it to a minimum.

It does sound as if you need to speak to someone though. How about your GP or HV?

9 weeks is still incredibly early you know. You have been through a hell of a lot and your body is all over the place, so you are probably not thinking rationally. Take things one step at a time. Try to think of something positive at the end of each day.

Good luck, take care

[liath]

I would go & see your GP, you have symptoms of post natal depression (& hardly surprising considering what you've been through). Well done on the feeding, sounds more like baby is having a growth sprut rather than you not producing enough and at your mum for undermining you.

If you are worried about talking to your GP write down how you feel or print off your OP to take along. I had PND and it was ghastly but I kept thinking I was just being weak & useless for not coping. It's not normal to feel like that.

[bakedpotato]

Goodness, you've been through the wringer.

I scored below the parapet (12?) for PND with my first child but it came back with a vengeance with no 2, and now I see, of course I had it first time around, quite badly actually. Don't get hung up on the score. The fact you're not sleeping well should make even the doziest HV sit up. Not to mention the not-eating, the crying all the time, all classic signs. You poor thing.

Pls go back to the HV, or GP, say you don't feel right. You need support.

[Swizzler]

DS fed every 2 hrs until 3/4 months
I didn't iron anything for 6 months (cracked this week as I'm back at work)
I napped as much as possible
I did v little housework
took me 5 months to get near pre-pg weight

and I had an easy pg and birth - just concentrate on your baby and your health and jgnore eveyone else . Talk to your partner, ignore your mother and talk to your GP.

[bakedpotato]

also, you're not intruding, you're so welcome here.

[danae]

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[Londonmamma]

You're not intruding, you have the same right to be here as any of us. Nap with your baby. Can you afford some help with the housework? Can your mum help with the housework to get her off your back about the breastfeeding?!

Tell DH you love him. Give him hugs even if you feel terrible, then he'll know it's nothing to do with him. Think of specific things he can help you with.

Lots of love x

[DrMarthaMcMoo]

I'm with liath - I think you should talk to your GP about how you are feeling. You have gone through a hell of a lot, are not well, and have a new baby to look after - you are not being "selfish" and you don't need to "get a grip" - you need some help. Your Mum sounds...er...less than helpful. No-one "has their figure back" 9 weeks after giving birth (reminds me of my friend's Mum who berated her for letting herself go, implored her to put some lippy on before her dh got home - because otherwise "he'll have an affair". Baby was 3 weeks old ) Can you talk to your dh too? He is probably very worried about you.

I had PND (twice) and can relate to a lot of how you are feeling. I would agree with the other posters who have said let the other stuff go: you don't need to do the ironing; the house can wait. What is important is you and your baby (and your dh). Try and sleep when he sleeps (do you know, I hated it when people said that to me as, like you, I couldn't sleep - that's another classic symptom of PND), and do as little as you can other than feed and cuddle.

Can I also refer you to this thread . You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed after having a baby - there are a lot of us who felt the same and I promise you: it does get better. Take care.

[plibble]

Firstly, your mother is wrong; lots of women breastfeed past 9 weeks and you should be proud and happy that you are still going with it.

Forget the ironing. It is not urgent and does not matter. If your mother would like to do something to help then give it to her. Actually it's not a bad idea to give her a list of things that need doing when she comes over.

You need help, both to deal with feeling sad and to process what happened to you and the baby at the birth. Please contact birth crisis if you feel you need to talk through it. You also need to go back to your HV or GP, explain you are suffering and that you need some practical help with it.

Finally, please don't put on a brave face. All of us do it and it is silly because people do want to help and will if they know you need it.

[sockmonkey]

I can't really add much to what has been said here, just wanted to send my support too.
I had a pretty rough birth the first time too, and it took quite a while to get back to feeling like me again (and even longer to get back to my pre- birth size)It takes 9 months to get stretched out of shape, you ought to allow yourself at least that much to get back to it!
Hope your GP/HV can help you out!

[danae]

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[danae]

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[Londonmamma]

Also, it must be hard for your mum to see you in distress so she's looking around for anything concrete and obvious she can change in your situation, i.e. the breastfeeding, so let's not be too hard on her. I'm sure if you ask her to do specific things to help it will also help her - she probably hates feeling she can't be of use to you.

[black31cat]

Thanks so much for all the support, and sorry I couldn't get back sooner. I had a long talk with DH last night, who reassured me a lot. It is hard convincing him that he is not the cause of the problem, and he says he feels bad that he can't help more. I told him that he was helping amazingly just by being there. What makes it hard is that he works very long hours, so we get very little time together.
I think you are all right about my mum - she stopped breastfeeding myself and my brothers after about a fortnight because we didn't like it and weren't putting weight on, so she probably has some issues there herself. I guess its fingers in ears time!
I do have a history of depression, and my GP had suggested antidepressants last year, but I fell pregnant and didn't take them. I guess all of the warning signs are there. I'm just worried that the HV will be judgemental about it.
I think that because I had such a difficult time conceiving and such a traumatic pregnancy and birth that I'm putting myself under a lot of pressure to be "perfect" and that is making things worse.
I must go now because DS is stirring, but you guys have been fantastic.

[Swizzler]

Your hv will not be judgemental: it's her job to support you and pnd is really really common and treatable. Please talk to your hv - if you don't have any joy, go back to your gp (sounds like they have been supportive in the past). Take care xx

[tinkerbellhadpiles]

Every new mum feels this way, your mum is being a nit and don't worry EVERY parent has a messy house. It's the law or something

It does get easier!

[Daisybump]

Aw Hun...I really feel for you. Glad you have talked it through wiht your DH. I had PND after having my DS, and as I was a single parent (albeit with lots of support from the baby's dad) I felt I had to 'do it all' and show the world how wonderful I was. Have you spoken to the doc....PND is a chemical imbalance that neeeds to be sorted out and if you let it go on it will just get worse.

Sorry your mum isn't being supportive...Perhaps you should also try to tell her how you feel and that her comments are unconstructive.

Anyway...I went on for six months before seeking the right help and wish I had done so much sooner. Take care and I hope things improve. By talking about it, you've already made the first moves in the right direction. Lots of virtual ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you.

[liath]

I'm sure your HV won't be judgemental, mine was really supportive when I told her how I was feeling. I'd had problems conceiving too and felt so guilty at not being over the moon with my much longed-for baby - my HV said that PND was more common in women who'd had fertility problems for that very reason.

Your DH sounds great & glad you've had a good chat with him. Mine works long hours too but took a week's compassionate leave when things were very difficult for me, which was a huge help.