Need to talk to someone:(

[havingabadtime]

Hi. I've namechanged as I don't want dh to see this thread - and he know my name on here!

I've been dealing with a lot of stuff in my life lately. I have always suffered with depression for many years and I'm now being seen by the mental health team in my area.

The thing is, I was sexually abused when I was younger, and so much of what happened is coming back to me lately - I think I must have blocked it out, but now I can't seem to function normally. I am always upset and will cry for no reason. Yet, I can't open up to my dh about anything. I wouldn't know what to say.

I just feel lost and empty, and detached from the people around me. My head just seems to be full of so much information from when I was younger that I can't sleep anymore as I am constantly thinking.

How do I get past this? Why is it affecting me now? Do you ever get past abuse?

I'm so messed up right now

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldinghands]

((((hugs))) to you HABT. I am not going to be much help to you I don't think, but I wanted to send you a hug and some support.

Maybe DH would like to support you too.. he can't do that if he doesn't know what you're going through.

What are the mental health team doing to help?

xx

[filthymindedvixen]

I have no experience of what you're going through but I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. It's not surprising...
I know some people who have found counselling to be enormously helpful and you can ask the CMHT to point you in the right direction.
Also, it's worth looking to see if there are any Survive groups in your area. This is a charity dedicated to helping people who have suffered sexual abuse as children and they offer all sorts of support, telephone counselling, email support and sometimes self-help groups.
I wish you strength and courage to help with the healing process. {hugs}

[ash6605]

i am going through a very similar thing,i was sexually abused at a young age and physically and mentally abused by my mentally ill mother.since my daughters birth and,a few months later,my mothers death two years ago i have suffered with severe depression and attempted suicide several times when things have got so bad for me.
i was reffered to CMHT and have had no luck with them whatsoever,just been given antidepressants and told my depression is caused by a personality disorder! WTF! who wouldn't have a personality disorder going through all that crap.
i'm sorry i can't offer you any advice as my own experience has not been resolved either.i am so dissapointed with the care(or lack of)that i have recieved and don't know myself where to turn to next,i just know this depression is going nowhere fast and looks like it may be here to stay.
i just wish i had the money to go private!

[fussymummy]

How awful for you to be suffering this way.

I've had lots of dealings with CMHT and you get good and bad as with every profession!

If you've been speaking about what has happened, then everything will be on the surface and very raw.

One thing that you may find will help you, is to write down all your feelings and emotions that are cluttering up your head.

You will feel so much better for writing it down.

You don't have to keep reading it.

You can even shred it up after you've written it.

You will feel better for having got it out of you.

[hillary]

Hi havingabadtime, I was also abused as a child, sexually, mentaly & physically. When I had my dd1 social services actually called me to make sure my abuser was still not on the scene! I lived in a womans refuge then ended up in a violent relationship which I have now excaped from with my two dd's.

I don't think it ever leaves you, I'v had more or less every bone broken in my body & turnned to food or lack of as comfort (I'm anorexic).

Does you dh not know anything of your past? When I told an XP who I was seeing before my dd's dad, he wouldn't touch me & couldn't even look at me. (a real confidence boost)

It doesn't leave you but you do need to look it in the face to get over it.

I wrote a book - never published it or anything but wrote it all down on paper, it made me feel better, I also saw a councellor who helped me talk over it.

Live for the future - not in the past xx

[squidette]

Strongly agree with fussymummy on the journalling of thoughts and feelings. And they are your feelings and you are entitled to have them just because you do. And to remember that feelings are not facts, but they are really important to us and how we see our worlds.

I dont think that 'getting past' your experiences will ever happen, but i do believe you will find a place for them so that the past is not your present any longer.

It sounds like you are having flashbacks when you say that much of it is coming back to you? Flashbacks can be an indication of post traumatic stress disorder linked to past abuse, but there is lots and lots of help out there - i am really glad you are in touch with your CMHT.

With the constant thoughts - is there something that you can use as a refocusing or distraction technique as a temporary relief until you are armed with some longer term coping strategies? Its really hard to think of two things at the same time. I have a list of things that i enjoy to do (and some that i dont like laundry!) that when i find myself thinking about things that i would rather not give time and space to anymore, i grab my list and just DO one of them, no questions asked, no debating. It helps short term, but you WILL find a place for this but be patient with the process.

I feel sad that you are hurting so much at the moment but i really think you will find your own place to put this, in your own time and your own way.

[havingabadtime]

Thank you for the kind words. It really does help at the moment, and also to know I'm not alone with this.

I will certainly try and write my thoughts down, maybe this will clear my head a little.

The mental health team haven't done much as yet, but I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week to assess me further. The thing is, I'm not sure I'm able to talk about the abuse yet as it's is still very raw. Too many thoughts have returned and I feel oddly vulnerable - if that makes any sense.

I'm very confused at the moment

[abitmessedup]

HABT, I am in a similar situation, I think. There are a few MNers who were sexually abused (you could always search the archives if you are interested) as children and everyone seems to deal with it in their own way. Mine is to not deal with it!

Recent events in my life have brought what happened back... one thing led to another and I am now having counselling. It is early days yet and I still do not feel able to talk about what I happened - I think verbalising it, hearing the words makes it more real than just remembering what happened.

I don't sleep, I feel very lonely and detached and sad yet I can no longer cry...

This probably isn't making you feel any better, but my intention was to let you know that you are not alone. It is horrible to relive these experiences. I don't honestly know if it is possible to get past being abused...I really hope it is though. For all our sakes.

[havingabadtime]

Thank you for that message abitmessedup. You have summed up exactly how I feel at the moment.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday to assess me further. Although I am very worried about this as I don't feel like I am able to disuss what has happened to me yet. Everything feels very raw still.

I am very glad that I am not alone here and people understand what I am going through.

[abitmessedup]

Please try not to worry too much about the appointment on Thursday.

My pysch/ counsellor is very understanding about this, so I hope yours will be too... He has never forced me to say anything I wasn't ready to. If he sees that I am struggling, we move on to something else or sometimes he says things for me, or asks me questions to which I can say Yes or No - for some reason that is easier. I know I will have to talk about it eventually and that is ok. In the meantime, we are working on my coping skills and other more recent events that I need help dealing with. I think a good therapist will know how to help you deal with this without putting pressure on you.

If you want to talk offline, my email address is abitmessedup at gmail dot com.

Please let us know how you get on.
.

[havingabadtime]

Thank you. That's very kind of you. It seems really silly to be concerned about this appointment coming up as I know it is something that will help. It's just what I will have to go through to get there first!

[abitmessedup]

I don't think it's silly to be concerned about the appointment - you do know that it will help but you also know how hard it is going to be. I am sure once you have made it through the first appointment, it won't seem quite so bad...

I know it is very daunting though. Keep reminding yourself why you are doing it and what you hope to achieve. You know you are doing the right thing

[fussymummy]

Hi havingabadtime please don't feel bad about your appt on thursday.

Its quite normal to feel anxious when seeing someone new or speaking about something that is so painful to deal with.

If you want to chat offline then CAT me, i really don't mind.

I understand just how much it means to have support and thats what you need to help you through this, take care of yourself, xx

[havingabadtime]

Thank you all so very much. It's far too hard to speak to my dh about any of this, although he is really being supportive.

It's funny, I thought my marriage would suffer a big blow with everything I am going through, and the fact that I am pushing my dh away a lot, but my dh has actually being trying a lot harder lately. He just seems to understand.

It's so nice to know there are people on here I can talk to. I hope I can open up to my husband one day, maybe in time this will come.

[abitmessedup]

I'm glad your DH is so supportive of you, even if he doesn't know everything atm. You are very lucky.

Let us know how things go on Thursday.

x