Depressed & anxious about Dad

[calebsmum]

My dad suffered a severe head injury 3 weeks ago today, he's suffered a traumatic brain injury and we know that it's permanent. At first we didn't expect him to survive the first 3 days but he's doing well and starting to come out of the coma. Thing is I have a history of panic attacks and depression and i'm finding this so hard. I was close to my dad and it makes me so nervous going to see him, he can't do anything but lie there and look at you before drifting off. He can't speak, move or breathe on his own. My dad was retiring next year and him and my mum were going to have cruises, buy there dream bungalow and relax and it's all gone. My dad was fit, active and worked hard all his life and now this has happened. I just feel like life is so bloody unfair, i'm worried about my mum as she is working herself to the point of exhaustion, just stopping to sob her heart out before starting again. My dad looked like he was crying the other night and I can't get it out of my head that he's trapped in his body and but ok mentally. he's damaged his frontal lobe which is personality, behaviour and memories.

I'm on diazapam to help calm me down but I just keep feeling like i'm falling apart. I don't know how I can cope with this, I just feel like running away from everything.

[massagemum]

You have such a lot to cope with at the moment - but you really need to be there for your mum.

My brother suffers from panic attacks and I know that they can be the worst thing in the world. With him its not so much the panic attacks as the fear of them.

Life is unfair but thats the way things are - there is nothing you can do to change the way thinsg are and you shoudln't feel guilty or responsible for not being able to change things.

You need to take one day at a time and do what you can - if anything feels like it is to much then don't do it. try to be there for her but remember to look after yourself. She doesn't want you to make yourself ill as well.

As for your dad, he may be able to understand you, he may be able to remember - doctors don't always know everything thats going to happen. Speak to your own doctors again if you need more help.

[DarrellRivers]

You poor thing, that all sounds so worrying and I don't want to say anything trite.
I'm not suprised you are feeling the way you are, with all these things happening, but try to remember that things often get better bit by bit, little by little and remember to look after your health and mental health.
It does sound so sad and so unfair on your mum and dad, but hold onto your hope, and remember you can't really judge what kind of recover y he will have at this early stage.
I am thinking of you and your family, good luck to you all

[massagemum]

Everybody is here if you need to talk.

[LilyLoo]

Poor u . Life can be shit theres never any justification for things like this happening. Give him time like you say he 'he doing well and coming out of the coma'. Lol and and hope you can find the strength to get through and help your mum through this uncertain time.

[calebsmum]

Thanks, it's just nice to let it all out iykwim. Have times when I feel positive and I keep reading all these stories about people who suffered horrific brain injuries yet have made remarkable recoveries, and i'm just hoping my dad is one of them. I just miss him so much and it guts me to think that DS (2) is too young to remember how he was and how my dad was with him. I know we will get through this and my dad will improve but it's such a long recovery. Just wish I didn't have bloody panic attacks to contend with as well, I feel so drained and depressed afterwards. I wish I could be there more for my mum but it brings on panic attacks for me and I really don't think I can cope somedays. Luckily I have 2 sisters as well and they are also supporting my mum as we all live within 15mins of each other.

[calebsmum]

sorry to post again, but i'm feeling so crap. Thought I was doing ok then I had a panic attack last night and had to take a diazapam and i've just had to take another now as i'm feeling so anxious. I have the shakes really bad and my jaw keeps seizing up.

I saw my dad a few days ago and he seemed so much better, starting to say the odd word and smiling lots, then I saw him last night and he looked right through me, no recognition or anything. God I feel so shit

[Cazee]

How are you today? Just read through your thread and wanted to say that I am thinking of you. I imagine you are still in shock, and probably find it difficult to comprehend what has happened. It might be best just to except that you will have a few panic attacks at this difficult time, rather that add fuel to the fire by fighting/fearing them. I once read a super book about anxiety disorders that suggested actively trying to make the symptoms worse, daring your heart to beat even faster, your head to feel more dizzy... Then the fear that drives them is lost. Just float through the next few days, and I am sure things will settle. Thinking of you. I

[Swizzler]

Calebsmum: I know nothing about head injuries, but would think that (as with any illness) there would be good and bad days. The next time you see him might be much better.

Take care of yourself and try not to add any more stress by worrying about whether you're supporting your mum enough and so on. You're doing the best you can in an incredibly stressful situation.

[calebsmum]

Just saw him today and he is loads better, he waved at me and smiled and said 'alright'. He also recognises pictures of DS (2) I do feel so much better now, but the panic attacks are still there. This time last week I didn't need any diazapam but i've need to take 2 a day for the past few days and feel bad about it. Am also starting to get really phobic about food, i've lost a stone in 5 weeks. Just keep telling myself it will pass I just need to work at it.

Thanks for listening it makes me feel alot better

[linjasmom]

thinking of you!! good luck to you and your Dad!!

XX

[DumbledoresGirl]

calebsmum, just to let you know, my mother had a major stroke last September. It affected a completely different part of her brain, but her recovery was amazing. It sounds like your dad is on the road to recovery. I know he might not ever get back his full faculties (my mother never will) but you might be amazed at how much he does recover. A brain injury takes 6 months miniumum to recover from so you are in the very early days yet. Good luck to you and him!

[calebsmum]

Have had a horrid weekend, panic attack after panic attack and constantly anxious. Felt like I just wanted to die so have got an appointment with the doctor today, am asking for counselling and AD's. Finally came off seroxat last july after 7yrs on it for panic attacks and agoraphobia so feel like i'm letting everyone down by having to go back on some sort of AD. Thing is I can't carry on like this, I can't eat, i'm constantly shaking and have not felt this bad in years, would rather lose a leg then have to suffer panic attacks everyday for rest of my life.

My dad is improving, his short term memory is not brilliant and certain people he's known for years he doesn't remember. Also gets very agitated, I know this is going to be really hard and will get worse before it get's better I just so desperately want to help and I can't

[prettybird]

It's frustrating isn't it? {{{{Hugs}}}}}

My Mum has also recently had a heand injury (I think I posted on a previous thread of yours). Her frontal and temporal lobes have been affected. Even though she was 66, she was fit like your dad - she had her accident while on a cycling holiday in India!

Although we have been reassured than in time she should recover, there are no guarantees - and at the moment, it seems difficult to see.

The worst thing at the moment is the not knowing. She is not even in a hpostial that is treating her head injury - she also has a broken pelvis, but is not even on an oprthopaedic ward, instead being kept on a angeral surgery ward 'cos in theory they would deal with her head injury, but in practice have no expertise, adn are wating for resource from the head injury specialist hpsital to visit and/or transfer her (but the Sister has told my Dad that they can wait up to 6 months for a bed in the other hpostial)

It's awaful at the monemet seeing her distressed, desprate to go home and unable to understand why she can neither go home nor can she get out of bed (another 4 weeks before she can wait beat). You can tell her she can't get up, becasue her pelvis is broken and she will still ask you next sentence why she can't up - or will say, "I beleive you if you tell me that's the case" - but then still move to get out of bed.

The only advice I can offer is to take things one day at a time. I've been told by my GP friend that there will be ups and downs in her progress - I'm sure it will be the same with your Dad.

I'm sure he is glad to see you - that is what you can do to help. Is there a time of day when he is slightly better? Perhpas you could try to visit then, to make it easier on yourself. my mum is better in the afternoons than the evenings - but it is difficult for me to vist then, as I work full time.

His agaition will be to due with his frontal lobe injury - don't take it personally.

Also, if he is being treated for his head injury, they usually try and do it as a whole family thing - that it when you will be able to find out hat you can do to help.

I also feel really powerless - all I can really do is be there for my dad.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself - if you can only cope with seeing your dad once w week, then only see him once a week. The plus side of his memory being damaged is that he probably won't remember! It's more important for your mum that you do what is right for you. my dh is reminding me that I can't keep on seeing mum every day. What he is suggesting is that we orgnaise a rota of firend and family to see Mum, so that Dad has support - and also isn't wearing himself out visitng her twice a day. Could you help by pulling together a rota? Make yourself feel useful, but not exposing yourself too much to the pain of seeing him too often?

[calebsmum]

Hi Prettybird, I did read your thread and i'm so sorry for what your going through. It's the not knowing what the future holds that bothers me, i've always been very clingy with my parents so this is so hard. Really think I need to go back on meds as i'm anxious 24/7.

Hope your mum gets the help she needs and that things get better. My dad is on a stroke ward at the moment as we are waiting for a bed in a specialist rehab unit. I know what your going through and it's awful, wish neither of us were in this position ((hug))

[prettybird]

If you need the medication to help, then yuo should consider it - this isn't going tob e soemthing that will go away in the near future. But ti might be that your dcotr will recommend something different - so have an open mind.

Dumbledoresgirl mentioned 6 months minimum - the Indian doctors said the same to Dad. The UK specialist dad has talked to at the other hospital wound't even commit to that 9but then, he's not actually seen her yet).

My dh has said we should stop even thinking of 6 months - that we should be grateful if we get mum home for Christmas (big occasion for her - she loves making a fuss). We really do need to be thinking in terms of one day at a time. it's am case of "managing your expectations" - if you can slow down how quickly you hope to see progress, then yuo will be more pleased at waht progress you do see.

The other thing I've been told (or rather, Dad was told - and he is himself a medic, so they were being up-front with him) is that unlike a stroke injury, with the traumatic brain injury thay Mum had, while rehab may help her get better quicker, it won't change the end result, ie by how much she is going to recover. Don't know if that helps you while you are feeling in this powerless stage of not knowing what you oculd be doing to help.

The specialist rehab units look really good. Any idea which one your dad would be going to? If Mum is deemed to need to go to one (and first of all, she needs to be hospital for the assessment), the one for central Scoltand looks fantastic - even if it is in the middle of nowhere and will make visitng even more time consuming than it is now (althugh atleast the place has open visitng rather than the two single hour sessions of the current ward)

[calebsmum]

We are in derby and he will be hopefully going to Kings Lodge, have a good reputation regarding brain injury. My dad recognises me and talks to me which is good and sometimes he just seems like the 'old' dad. I just can't cope with change, have suffered panic attacks since I was 5!! Really need some help as i'm finding it so hard to cope at the moment.

We've been told that 6mths is when you will see the most change/improvement. But head injuries can go on improving up to 6 years after the event, with memories resurfacing ect.

Thinking of you and your family

[prettybird]

My Mum recognises everyone - and seems to remember visitors she had the day before. But she still seem to really understadn that she is back home (as in home city) and is perpetually suprised that I am able to visit her "in this place" and seems to think I have had to travel a long way.

Mum's speech can be very bad - perfect sentence strucutres, but all the wrong words. SOmetimes she seems to know that she is talking nonsence and gets frustrated by that, but not always. This can vary - at other times, you can have proper conversations with her and you see the "old" Mum there.

Her long term memory seems to be OK - it's just everyting to do with the accident that seems to have been wiped - which again seems normal.

The main thing she can't grasp is her accident - she just cannot understadn why she has to be in hopsital and why she can't get out of bed - no matter how many times you tell her that she can't get out of bed and that she's got ito stay in hospital for at least 4 more weeks. We've now (at my suggestion) changed the wroding from "she can't get out bed" to "she must NOT get out of bed" - as clearly thinks that she can (which she probably could - but she would damage herself badly in doing so). It's actually trying to appeal to her English teacher background - when someone used to ask her if they could do something, she would answer yes they could - as in they were able to do so, but no they may not.

Every day she thinks that dad will be taking her home "tomorrow".

She is also very ratty on occasion - again, 'cos the inhibitions being dwon due to the damage. The same goes with the tearfulness.

The damage that I desribed to my GP friend, she reassured me was "just bruising" - so once the swelling etc has gone down and the mini haemorrhages have drained away (again, like a bruise) it will be easier to see what is happending - and to understand what long term damage there might be.

The rehab unit should help you too - from what I have read abut the good ones, they see the need to treat the whole family unit, as everyone is impacted by the onging consequences of a head injury.

The main porbelm we are having at the moment is that mum is getting no treatment, as she is in the worng hospital - and that we are not able to talk to anyone who is a specialist in the field. It took a week after she got back from the UK for the neuor hospital to send a registrar over to see her - and then it was only my Dad ringing up a couple of days later before oanyone spoke to him! And even then, he has a suspicion that they are only now treating her more seriously becasue they now now that he is a medic.

At least your dad is in a place where they can address some of his neuro issues. We are still going by the advice of the Indian doctors from c 3 weeks ago.

It sounds like your dad has made good progress since you first posted. Just hold on to that. See your doctor for some advice/prescription. Ask the ward staff if there is anything spefic that you can do to help - even if it something as simple as bringing in an old photo album. Hold on to the concrete things you can do.

You say that you don't cope with change very well, so this must indeed be a really difficult time for you. Are you able to change your definiton of the "status qu" to be your dad as he is now - and then the rate of change and imporvement will porbably be within the bounds of waht you can cope with? Look for the little* things, not the big things.

{{{{Hugs}}}}}

[lucyellensmum]

i just want to say that im thinking of you, hang in there you are stronger than you think. Your dad sounds like he is making a good recovery, it will take time, what do i know? nothing, but it seems sensible to me. I think you are amazing just to be able to keep it together enough to visit and be there for him. My father had alzheimers before he passed away i couldnt handle it and kept away, biggest regret of my life. Again, hang in there cos you sound really strong.

[calebsmum]

Doctor has put me on amitriptylene and diazapam as and when I need it. Am not feeling as anxious although i'm still aware of it all the time. Also feeling quite depressed, have begged doctor to refer me to the mental health team as I really want to get better but need more than ad's.

Saw my dad last night and he was quite talkative, remembers a dvd he wanted a few weeks before the accident which was a suprise, lots of stuff he gets confused over and he also gets frustrated and snappy which is hard to deal with. I'm so worried about him snapping at me, god I hate being like this!!

Know how you feel about the lack of information Prettybird, we have to constantly badger people to find out anything just hope it improves when he goes to Kings Lodge.

[prettybird]

Remember he's not snapping at you - it is just that his normal restraining mechanisms have been damaged. You just need to let it wash over you. It's not him, it's the head injury - and it may well get better over time, but just take each day at a atime. Accept him as he is on a particulare day. You'll probably not be able to see the imporvemnts on a day by day basis, so don't look for them. Youwill however see them when you look back in a few weeks or months. Just don't have any expectations about the rate of prgoress - and then you can't be disappointed.

That's the best help you can give your dad. As you say, it is furstrating for him - so try not let the frustration get to you too.

Hope he gets to Kings Lodge soon.

[calebsmum]

my dad was awful with my mum and sister last night and everyone is dreading seeing him. I feel so depressed i've just spent an hour in bed while ds was sleeping crying and talking to myself. Said to the doctor that I feel like I need counselling and he said no I don't and made me feel like I was wasting his time. The ad (amitriptylene (SP)) i'm on is making me feel like im in a fog, I can't focus properly and everything seems like to much effort. I've only been on it since Monday so do I give it a bit longer and hope the side effects wear off?? Keep telling myself I will feel better it's just going to take time. Actually wished that I could die in some accident instead of having to feel like this. Only thing keeping me sane is DS (2).

Sorry just need to get it all out, I want to sleep all the time

[prettybird]

Your GP does sound very unsympathetic. Could you afford to see a private counsellor? Or is there another GP at the practice that yuo could see?

Contact your local Headway - they may be able to offer yuo some support, or point you to smewhere that could help. You need to be aboe to grieve for your dad - it may be that you may "get him back" in time - but at the moment you don't know, so you need to be able ot grieve. if you accept that it is normal to feel sad about it, then that might help - it's a stage that you need to go thorugh to be able to move forward.

Things will get better once you dad moves to Kings Lodge, as all the good rehab units talk very strongly about involving the family - and that the family members are as much part of the treamment (and in some cases, themsleves need to be treated/helped to come to terms with the changes) as the medical team.

You dad will have bad days and good days. Just take each day as it comes and accpet him for how he is today. It's actaully a good exercsie for learningg to live in the monet. Remember that any anger/irritation/frustration/bad manners ISN'T HIM. It's just the damage to his frontal lobe. Things will be better than they are today - it's just at the moment, you can't know how much better. So just take things a day at a time.

What caused the accident - are you able to tell us?

[prettybird]

How are you calebsmum? Hope you ar efeeling at least a wee bit better today.

My mum wasn't great last night - but apparently she had been much better in the afternoon. It's just a case of accepting what she is like when you see her - and not looking for improvement. That will come in time - but is like a watched kettle - the more you watch it, the slower it will seem.

[calebsmum]

Hi Prettybird,

Thanks for posting! Spoke to my GP on the phone last night as I was in a right state and i've stopped the amitriptylene (sp). I now have a prescription for seroxat but i've not taken anything yet, am worried i'm going to take it and it'll make no difference but i'll be addicted again. Feel like i'm in a fog at the moment, just want to sleep.

Am seeing my dad tonight hopefully with my mum, won't expect anything and hopefully won't be too upset. sorry you had a bad evening with your mum, it's so hard to stay positive and i'm so angry about the lack of support.

[prettybird]

If you are not happy with Seroxat, can you talk to your GP about other options? eg Cipralex.

Had a bad weekend - Mum had been better on Friday and Saturday but then tried to get out of bed on Saturday night and fell badly, cutting her chin and gettingf badly bruised and potentailly damaging her pelvis again.

The only plus side is that she now has 24 hour nursing care (which the ward can't really afford - but the fact that she is in the wrong place is not her fault) and the medical staff have now acknowledged that they have a duty to start
treating her head injury now and not wait until she moves to the specialist unit - which could be as long as 6 months away.

They've also agreed to withdraw the sedation, as that could be causing some of her agitation.