worried about dh

[tortoiseSHELL]

I don't know what to do, he is so down about something at work, can't go into details on here, but it is totally wrecking his life. He can't smile about anything, everything is black. I don't know how to help him, he is heading for a meltdown, and will screw up work and everything, he is so down around me and the children.

Please help me know what to do?

[bluejelly]

Sounds like he is definitely depressed, can you beg him to go to the dr?

[tortoiseSHELL]

I honestly don't think that would help - it's a specific 'thing' that is happening, and we are powerless to stop it, and he is the sort of person where if one thing is wrong, then the world is wrong. I just can't find any way to support him.

[Mummy2TandF]

I don't really know what to say about the "thing" that is getting him down but I know that my dh also thinks the whole world is down when something gets him down and his mood does tend to rub off on us all - how about trying to arrange a day out at the weekend, something fun that you can all do toghether and hopefully take his mind off of things (at least for a little while) sorry - not very constructive I know, or maybe just let him know that you are there to listen if he wants to off load about it all, sometimes it takes someone to tell you that they don't mind listening before you actually talk about it

[sunnysideup]

If it's a specific issue at work, could it be more anxiety that is paralysing him, than depression? This sounds really similar to a problem my DH had years ago. He just 'shut down' and couldn't even talk to me. Luckily he did agree to see the doctor, who signed him off sick. This got DH away from the anxiety causing situation for a while...and I made him talk in confidence to a union rep; DH didn't want to cause ructions, so didn't want it formalised, which I respected, so he simply ran the situation past the rep and got good advice.

I guess it's small, practical steps to address the issue if possible. However you can't do it FOR your dh unfortunately, he will have to decide to take the first step I think.

So if this sounds at all like what might be happening with your dh I think all you can do is encourage him with all your heart to just first, see the GP.

So sorry you're having this atmosphere at home, dh and I didn't have a child when this happened to him; must be such a strain on you. Hope you've got someone looking out for you a bit.

[tortoiseSHELL]

thanks for the replies, I'm just at a loss as to what is the best thing to do. The thing at work is something he has to 'do' - so signing off sick would be the worst option.

How do you cope with this situation at home? There is no relaxation or laughter when dh is sad. The kids are fine, I'm making a real effort with them, and tbh, the evening is quite 'routine' based anyway, so I don't think they've really noticed anything. We had a really nice day last weekend, went out for the day on Saturday, but then returning home, the problem rears its head again.

[tortoiseSHELL]

he's just gone to work in a really bad mood.

[Budababe]

Is there a time limit on what he has to "do". IE will it happen on a certain day or will it be ongoing? If ongoing and it is affecting him like this he really needs to sort it out.

[tortoiseSHELL]

Sorry I'm being so cryptic! It's an ongoing 'change' in things, and it's a very vocational thing, so it is something he really cares about. I can't see how it will be resolved - there are problems with people he works with, and he is just at the point of despair.

[Paddlechick666]

my dh gets very worked up about work and i think this was one of the major triggers in the start of his severe depression.

i sometimes struggle with his obsession with work as to me a jobs a job and if you don't like the job/environment then get yourself another one! that's my very simplistic view and i've been lucky in my career that i've pretty much got the jobs i've wanted.

dh's depression, anxiety etc knocks his confidence and he becomes "fixed" and struggles to even submit CVs to agencies etc.

my advice would be to try and nip this in the bud, before it develops into anything more severe.

think getting signed off for a week or two is a great idea. even if the work "thing" isn't going to go away, your dh can use the time to review how he feels and what he wants and check out the market and see if there's any other opportunities etc.

this is a tough situation for you both and i do sympathise but if it's affecting your dh this badly, then it's not something he can tolerate so he needs to think seriously about leaving his employer.

my mantra to my dh is "priorities, priorities, priorities". unfortunately for him his shyster employer seems to win every time! and the really frustrating thing is that he's brillaint at his job and could walk into another one if he only believed in himself.

2 years ago he was a different man, full of self confidence and belief. his depression has eaten away at all that.

if we had recognised it earlier maybe things wouldn've have got as bad as they have.

sorry i've rambled on, really hope you guys sort this out and things improve.

[Marina]

tortoiseshell, I've just seen this. Mail me - I've been though similar, although the trigger was very different as you know. M xxx