one thing after another

[wheelsanddollbaby]

I have been taking Prozac since January and it has really helped. However this week I suffered from really bad PMT, insatiable craving and I was very angry with the world and switched off my phones and stayed home so that I did not have to have any contact with anyone. I wasn't able to take my son to nursery on Friday or Monday as I could face going outside and things got steadily worse from there. On Monday, I discovered that the bank had charged me £100 for going over drawn by £25. I wouldn't mind but I have a debit card and for some reason the bank put through a payment five days after I had made it so, my available balance was incorrect for five days at the cash point and internet. I do not have a switch card, guarantee card or did not write any cheques. I am not supposed to be able to go overdrawn in this account. I am a single Mom on income support and do not have any money for two weeks to feed my four year old or heat my home. I have bills to pay and will no incur late charges on those and the bank said that there is nothing I can do. In desperation I called my estranged husband who pays nothing towards his son(CSA are a waste of time) and begged him for some money. He said he would give me £50. When he came over yesterday evening he told me he only had £40 to give me. When he left I checked the money he had left and it is £30. I feel very degraded for having to beg him for this money. He insisted on 'talking' infront of our son(who was very subdued)and when I confronted him with the truth about his past behaviour, violence etc. he accused me of making our son hate him and stormed off without even looking at his son who was in tears now. I was left to cuddle our son and explain that Daddy does not hate him or think he is ugly. I have cut off all communication with my ex recently because my son has told his school teachers that his Daddy shouts at his Mummy and makes her sad and is violent to her. I only called him out of sheer desperation and now I feel that for £30 it may have been better for my son and I to live by candle light and whats in the cupboard for two weeks. I have been told that I can claim the bank charges back but it does not resolve my immediate need. I refuse to let my ex emotionally damage our son, they way he was damaged as a child. I find it so hard to cope sometimes. I feel like I am in a rut and just can't get out. I don't have any family around or any good friends. I feel totally worn down this week and even the prozac that takes the edge off life isn't helping me today.
I wished I could break this cycle but when I feel this way I do not even feel mentally strong enough to tackle the stresses of full-time work, which would ease the financial burden.Then again, there is the child care and travelling time problem etc. which is why I stopped work when my husband left me in the first place as he would take our son to the child minder and collect him so that I could get to work on time.
I really hate life at the moment and the only reason I keep ticking over is my little boy.

[wheelsanddollbaby]

Thanks M for the very helpful message. I went to counselling today and I feel a little stronger. I didn't think of the CAB or the Salvation Army and I will definitely get in contact. Sometimes it just seems like the sky is falling in.

[wheelsanddollbaby]

Hi Muminfife,
I hate going to the jobcentre. I live in London and it is always full of drug addicts and scary looking characters with electronic tags on their ankles. I hate to take my son in this environment. I know that if needs must, I have to but I avoid it at all costs. I am always very careful not to incur unnecessary charges and never live beyond my means.My ex husband has left me with a lot of debts(in my name only) and pays no maintenance for his son (CSA are useless) and since he has abandoned us, even with the assistance with the tax credits to pay some of my child care costs, I discovered that I was better off not working or waiting until my son is in full time school(Sept 07).I have sent my son to three different osted registered childminders in the past, all of whom have proved to be unsatisfactory. One used to let her four year old son roam the streets with his friends, the second was a full time nurse and would work nights and then I discovered look after my son(or sleep) during the day or get her sister(unqualified) to look after him and charge me £200 a week for the privilege and the third one used to let her 18 year old son look after my son and let him play violent video games, all of which I discovered when my son began being able to talk. Ever since then I have been reluctant to return to full time work and have find it hard to trust a childminder registered or otherwise.
I know that by not working my self-worth is deteriorating by the second but I am also trying to do the best by my son. His father is plays a virtually non-existant role in his life and I think that I wouldn't have such a seemingly content, balanced little boy if I hadn't taken this year off to care for him and come to terms with my own physically and mentally abusive marriage to his father. I am trying to break the cycle and lift myself out of the rut but it's a slow process and I am still struggling to do my best and keep sane and happy for my son's sake.