Where can I go to talk?

[ChangedUsername123]

I need some sort of therapy. It's taken me a long time to realise it, but there's things going on that I can't cope with any longer.

I had a toxic relationship with my parents, my dad was physically and mentally abusive, and it's confusing me so much that I now have a good relationship with him (I think I do?)
I've come to realise my Mum was horrendous. Making me keep financial secrets from as young as 5, telling me she was jealous that my Dad called me 'darling' and not her, telling me she was jealous of how 'close' me and my dad were (made me think our relationship was completely normal)
Never shielding me during his temper rages, or showing me that they were wrong.
Now I have children, one with SEN, she's forever harping on about how much it upsets HER that DS doesn't greet her. He's autistic. He doesn't greet anyone.

I need to talk, desperately. I can't sleep, my stomach is in constant knots, and I feel like harming myself as a way to cope with the pain inside. Where can I go to talk? I can't afford private therapy, my DH is wonderful and understanding, but I need an outsider to vent at and tell me it's not all in my head.
Last time the GP said they'd refer me to CBT it took over 12 months to even get a letter back, I'm still waiting for an appointment, it could be months.

[Joto369]

Hi I'm sorry to hear your going through this. Is there anywhere that could offer counselling on a sliding scale? Could you go back to GP and put some pressure on there? Understand how you feel as I'm suffering with anxiety at the moment so sending hugs and support xxxx

[ChangedUsername123]

I'm not sure...I know I need to go back to the GP, the last one I saw seemed insistent that I had PND which I definitely don't, I've had MH problems for years. It just so happens that a massive family issue arouse after DS2 was born.
I've been on and off meds for 3 years now, nothing has really helped.
I'm just getting desperate now. The only thing keep me going is my children, but even DS1's SEN issues are starting to contribute to my anxiety. I have stress dreams and I sleep very little. I check on him about 10 times a night. He has asthma too, and once an attack was so bad that he went blue in the face whilst sleeping. I'm constantly going in and making sure he's still breathing, even though we've got an Angelcare monitor that'd alert us to any problems, I still need the reassurance that he's okay

[AnxiousCarer]

Hi it sounds like you have a lot going on. Could you see a different GP? Some are better at mental health than others. Let them know about urges to self harm too as this will help with prioritising your referal. It maybe that your origional referal needs upgrading if things have changed. You could also see if your area has a iapt service as you can self refer into some of these.

If you work you could see if they offer any councelling as a lot of employers do. Otherwise if your son has any services involved I wonder if they know of any councelling you can acess through services/charities related to his needs.

[languagelearner]

Have you tried to write about it? To tell your story in writing, to write it down, go over it in writing?

I don't know how it is where you are, but here in the country where I'm currently at, I read that the waiting lists to see someone are very long, near breaking point, many hospitals have lately gone in and out of crisis mode because of all patients... emergency wards full.

If you try to write about it, maybe join a writer's class even, or something, you're in charge of your healing process yourself, might be quicker. You might give it a thought.....