I don't know what's wrong with me and I can't shift it

[rumbelina]

Background: I've suffered with depression and anxiety in the past. I was on prozac about 15 years ago and then cipralex/citalopram (can't remember) about 9 years ago. I've not needed medication since but my mood/well being fluctuates. I also get the type of anxiety where I play back conversations and worry that I came across like 'this' or I should have said 'that'. I have spent a long long time learning to act not anxious even though I am - I can come across as quite confident in the right circumstances. I do generally get stressed about things that other people are a bit more lenient about for example being on time, sticking to what has been agreed but I have also learnt to hide this as I realise I am more anal than most about stuff.

At the moment I feel like I've been hit with everything: I feel low, anxious, my confidence is down, I find making small decisions difficult. I feel like I have no perspective on what is normal behaviour, even in the most trivial of situations, I have to think and rethink every little tiny decision or conversation. I feel cross and sad all the time. I get teary eyes every day in response to music, pictures, tv. I am so quick to anger. I am able to reign it in but it's eating me up inside. Everything annoys me to disproportionate level. I feel stressed about everything - from the state of the world to making holiday plans. I should feel happy about making plans but I just feel stressed - why is that??

I am tired all the time. I have no problem falling asleep but for years I have been waking early: 4-5. I usually worry about something when I wake and eventually fall back asleep and doze until getting up time. I feel groggy all the time. I have been forcing myself to stay awake until after 10pm which has helped with the early wakings a bit but I am still tired. I eat a balanced diet - I don't have as much exercise as I probably should but I have a decent fitness level and am not concerned about that. I work almost full time in an office. It has it's issues but it's a good job.

I have a wonderful DS who is the light of my life and really easy apart from the usual faffing (6yo). DH and I are sparring a bit at the moment - really stupid stuff that stems from us both feeling stressed and taking each other the wrong way. I adore him and he is lovely but we can clash really easily over petty stuff depending on our accumulated moods. I have great friends and family - even the ILs! I really am very lucky apart from my troubled mind.

I find it hard to judge things but I can usually cope with this. At the moment though I am just continually doubting myself. I feel like I'm about to implode. I just want to feel happy with my lot - it is a good lot and I am thankful and can tell myself to be happy logically but my soul just isn't feeling it.

If you've read this far thank you. I don't mind if no one answers, I just really needed to blurt it all out, haven't spoken properly to anyone in RL as part of the symptom is that I find it really difficult to explain myself and put things in order, I just feel so jumbled up.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

I don't think the winter helps tbh. I always feel worse in winter, and I take vit D supplements to help counter the lack of daylight. I find the gym helps, eating properly, and I try and write down 3 good things that have happened or I am grateful for every day. Don't be frightened to see your doc if it's worse or not getting better x

[champagneistheanswer]

I can sympathise with a lot of what you say, especially about making decisions I find all decisions extremely stressful and hate to have to commit to something because I always think I've made the wrong decision. No real advise I'm afraid but I do find that yoga helps in getting a bigger perspective and I know I should meditate as that would help too. You sound like you are coping well though and have a good relationship and a job you like. Like you say the important things in your life are generally good. I think it also helps me to find something to focus on whether it's cooking or walking, even a good tv programme. Best wishes x

[AnxiousCarer]

Have you considered councelling or even life coaching. Personally I have found nlp ( neurolinguistic programming ) life transforming. Theres also a guided relaxation track that DH and I find very useful, for DH he's sleeping through the night with no nightmares on the nights he uses it which is something thats not happened in months prior to finding this.

Not sure how to do links on here but if you google nlp golden core you should find it.

[rumbelina]

Sorry, couldn't reply yesterday but thank you all for your kind responses. I am a lot calmer today both mentally and physically. I really needed to get it all out of me and it's really helped. I can't always talk to people in RL not because they're not supportive but I think I don't want to make a drama/worry them/bore them. I'm so used to dealing with my rollercoaster mental health I just tend to do it alone. But I know I'm not alone.

I will try vit D supplements I think. And 3 things to be grateful for I've done before - it's like my head knows it but my body doesn't. Grrr

Yes champagne, that's exactly it. And it's horrendous when I'm feeling low/anxious/lacking in confidence. It's always been a bit of a standing joke that I'm crap at decisions but sometimes it's so debilitating and small things become so huge. I will get back on yoga - I've done it before and it is so good for the body and soul. There is a really good tutor online - I know it's not the same but it's better than nothing and I can't always get out to the classes.

Anxiouscarer - I've done counselling a few times and find it only helps for specific issues eg bereavement. When you say NLP did you do this through books or do you visit a specific person? I'll find a download for the golden core thingy - it definitely sounds worth a go! Thank you.

[Snugglepalace]

I can totally empathise with you op, I have a lovely life, lovely dc, Dh, family and friends yet feel as though I've never been able to fully enjoy my adult life because of my anxiety/melancholy and I don't no why? It's as though I have a massive price of the puzzle missing yet I don't know where to find it? I over think everything, have good days and then really bad days, worry about/go over every conversation I've had, get down and teary (feel sad just looking a little old ladies/men out and about on their own worrying about them!)
Am having counselling and it is helping but I think I have such an active mind I really need to find an all consuming activity/hobbies, maybe that can help?

[AnxiousCarer]

I did the nlp foundation diploma through work and found that amazing. I am aware that the people who do that golden core download also do an online course but I've not done it so can't give a personal reccomendation, only that its one of the therapists who taught my foundation diploma and he was very good. I think seeing a therapist would probably be the most direct approach as they will be able to pick out the techneques they think will help you most. Also I've found the techneques more effective when a therapist does them with you than when I've tried to do them myself. Some therapists offer a coaching approach too. If you are looking at something more general then books might be ok.