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Mental health

Struggling with crippling regret

14 replies

SammyL100 · 14/01/2017 09:50

I had a miscarriage this year after trying to conceive. I am 39. I fear I may have left it too late.

However I am struggling with regret. I met my husband at 37 and 6 months later he suggested trying for a baby. I said no as I wanted to get married before and be husband and wife before kids. Now I am kicking myself as I wasted a full year sorting out the wedding and marriage and not trying for children. A crucial year lost.

We both don't have kids and this decision is haunting me.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

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thisagain · 14/01/2017 09:56

The fact that you have become pregnant shows that you are fertile - which is really good news. I have known a lot of people miscarry the first time and then go on to have a normal term pregnancy. Why do you think you have left it too late? I have 3 children and have had 2 miscarriages. My third child was conceived when I was 40. Plenty of people have babies in their early 40's.

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SammyL100 · 14/01/2017 10:08

Thank you thisagain.

I went on Dr Google after my miscarriage and it scared me to death, all types of things about older women having or failing to have babies. I have spoken to my GP who told me off for worrying too much. I spoke to my DP who starts to sing "No regrets" by Robbie Williams to me whenever I mention it!

I suppose I am scared and anxious it may not happen and I will be to blame for not trying to conceive at 38 not 39.

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Booboomoogooboo · 14/01/2017 10:12

No no no please don't beat yourself up over this. None of this is in any way your fault and as thisagain says, you must still be fertile and this is something to be positive about. Step away from Dr Google and listen to your own Dr, he/she has the right advice! So sorry for your loss

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thisagain · 14/01/2017 10:17

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2669447/Women-age-40-chance-conceiving-six-months-younger-women-survey-claims.html

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SammyL100 · 14/01/2017 12:16

Thank you all for your advice. I am trying to forgive myself for being so stupid and not thinking about the risks of waiting a year when I was in my late thirties. I tell myself you cannot change the past and I did what I thought was best at the time. It's not helping me beating myself up so I have to stop it and it is affecting my relationship with my DP.
Will try not to be ruled by the past.

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iveburntthetoast · 14/01/2017 12:54

Absolutely stay away from dr Google. I think that stress makes to harder to conceive so anything that can help you take things a day af a time might help. Have you tried mindfulness?

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Stilllivinginazoo · 14/01/2017 12:56

Google is good.Dr google is evil.stay well away.there's a thread fir mums over 40,so its not impossible and as previous have said you got pregnant,so are still fertile. Good luck op.x

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ToastieRoastie · 14/01/2017 13:01

Please don't regret your past. You made the right decision for you at that time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but useless in real life - none of us can go back and change the past.

It might help to write your feelings and regrets down on paper. When I went through a traumatic time, I found it got it out of my system. If your DH is supportive, you don't want your regrets to taint your relationship. He may well start feeling guilty that he didn't push you to conceive earlier, but that would have been the wrong thing for him to do at the time.

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SugarLoveHeart · 14/01/2017 13:09

Similar scenario here. I wanted to get married. It was more important to me than having kids. I met him at 36, married at 39. 40 now & no baby.
I figure that if I'd really wanted children, I would have prioritised that. I've got the happy relationship, but no guarantee of kids now. I think that all decisions made at the time are valid, whether we look back on them as good or bad afterwards. Try not to panic or regret too much.

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languagelearner · 14/01/2017 14:32

If you want to adopt, you should check it up now. I'm not sure about what is the maximum age, but think you're bordering on finding it too late too. Have no kids myself, but sort of never wanted any (at least nobody resembling myself or my parents). I read an article in a women's magazine about someone who had two children at age 48-52 or something of the sort, and in this particular it all turned out well although it was stretching the boundaries a bit too much if you ask me.

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cakeycakeface · 14/01/2017 14:45

Sammy I started TTC when I was 38 and had 3 MCs, then I had DC1 at 40 and DC2 at 43, not too far off my 44th birthday to be more specific. All natural (DC1 was conceived right before we were due to start IVF). This was with DH having fertility issues as well so we were actually lined up for ICSI, not IVF. DC2 in particular was a shock because it happened first time and no issues at all. I really didn't expect that with our gas, TTC history and DHs issues.

I remember very well the heartache and total despair. I thought life wouldn't be worth living if I never had children. Each MC was a massive blow, and each month when I didn't conceive was brutal.

It was also a hard learning curve. Until then I spent my life with the firm view things could be fixed if I thought hard enough, worked enough etc. But the MCs taught me Nature is the ultimate boss. You may have had that exact same MC at 37 or you might not have. There is NOTHING in Nature that says if you'd started earlier you would have a DC now. You can't plan a life on uncertainties. Your decision to wait was the right one, because you weren't ready. It's that simple. So don't waste time with regret. It's very hard letting go of our western notion we can solve things (even retrospectively) but I think the reality is you can only do what you can do at the time and ultimately it's in Natures hands.

I will say though that what I eventually did is ensured I was PG ready. No booze at all, ate very healthily, folic acid etc. I also bought a persona fertility monitor, which I think helped me conceive 5 times so... But I can't say for sure that any if this had anything to do with my good luck. It may have happened anyway, but it helped my 'fixer' character to feel as if I was actively positively helping.

I did have one regret I could have addressed, and that was DH and I both getting checked out sooner. Had I known he had issues at 38 (instead of us assuming it was just my age) I may have chosen not to spend two years TTC naturally. But even so, IVF may have resulted in MCs anyway with the addition of the emotional toll of IVF as well. Who knows.....

Apart from that, stay away from stats and information that will torment you.

And it is absolutely true that that MC, as devastating as it was, is a positive thing. It shows you can conceive. That's very very positive.

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cakeycakeface · 14/01/2017 14:47

...gas...? That should have read *ages, although DH does have gas issues too .....

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SugarLoveHeart · 14/01/2017 14:58

Thanks for sharing, cakey. Agree with everything you said. It's all about timing, in life. Stuff will happen whether you want it or not, some of it down to you, most of it down to nature / circumstance.

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SammyL100 · 14/01/2017 18:37

Thank you Cakey. Your story provides hope.

We are going to continue trying but I do find myself kicking myself as to why I did not prioritising conceiving. I had read all the stats yet I was so caught up in the relationship and the order in which I thought things should be, that I ignored the medical facts.

You say a very true thing though. It is all uncertainties. If I had ttc earlier who would have known what would have happened? I may have had a mc and that could have split me and DP as we were earlier in our relationship, I could have found myself not ready for motherhood at that point or I could have a dc and be fulfilled?

I am using OPKs and am still trying. My GP was amazing and told me she had many women round my age looking to conceive and I shouldn't use my age as the be all and end all.