How can I support my friend?

[WhatToSay]

My best friend has postnatal depression. I know (she has told me) it's not very bad, but it is certainly enough that she gets very down at times, has panic attacks sometimes and isn't coping well with life in general - not at all like her usual self. Her ds is a year old now, and she's been feeling like this a long while. Her dh is supportive, but not very often there in a practical sense - he works very long hours. Her ds is good natured although doesn't sleep terribly well - he has now got to the stage where he sleeps through most nights, but is restless and my friend wakes when he stirs even though she doesn't necessarily need to go to him, and then can't get back to sleep herself.

My friend has spoken to her GP and has started counselling, which I think is helping, although it is difficult at the same time, IYSWIM. Her dh has also started to be a bit more helpful with the practical aspects of life. I'm not worried she's likely to do anything silly, I just wish I could be more supportive and I don't know what to do. We try to meet up most weeks with our little ones, but I don't live close enough to just pop in, or to offer to babysit so she can go out when her dh suddenly can't be home from work when he has said he would be - which happens a lot...

My question is, how can I best help? Is there anything more I can do? I know she knows I am there for her, but how can I show it more? She mentions things every now and then and I listen and talk if she wants. I don't pry - I think she prefers to tell me things rather than have me ask, but I just have this nagging feeling that I could do more. At the end of the day, I just don't understand how she is feeling - I haven't been depressed, find life with my dd - well, not always sweetness and light, we all have difficult days - but fun and pleasureable. My dh is supportive, and there a lot, and when he is away with work, I just get on with it. But it saddens me that I think that I don't understand, and I somehow get the feeling that my friend knows that too, and I don't want her to hold back from saying if she needs me because of that.

Oh - it's weird - we've know each other since we were kids and we do let each other know what's going on, and lean on each other - I just worry that what if this time I'm failing her . Is there anything I could helpfully say or do that just hasn't occured to me?

(I've changed my name for this - sorry. I just think my friend uses this site and my usual name is fairly easy to guess!)

[fransrosesarered]

hi whattosay

first of all i wish that i had friedns like you when i was going through it. i had bad pnd and was having panic attacks even though i didn't realise it. it was only through reading around that it even crossed my mind to mention it to hv's, docs etc but i don't feel as though i got much help - the hvs were useless but then that's my experience of things.

probably a good book for you to read is the one by brooke shields called something like "the rain came down". it's very good if sometimes difficult to read in placces because she is very honest about the way she felt at the time.

you keep getting all these people telling you how you should feel about the baby saying it's the most wonderful thing in the worls but sometimes you just don't want to be there anymore you just want to run away and hide somewhere other than life - not that it necessarily means you would do anything stupid in that sense but it does mean that you need help.

maybe you could try to arrange some time for just you and her, although sometimes even though i desperately wanted time to myself, i couldn't leave dd alone with her father. the responsibility was overwhelming and i feel now like i was going insane. so maybe your friend is going through something similar and you just being there for here is an enormous help. i'm sorry i told you so much about my own experience i hope it helped. please read that book tho and any others you come across. hth x

[fransrosesarered]

ps she might have said that it's not very bad so people think she's coping, it was that way here x

[soggybottom]

I really feel for you and you must truly be a great friend. I suffered from PND for a few months after the birth of my gorgeous girl and found the best support cam from my friends. I am now completely over it but there were many many times when I was thinking to myself, "I could really do without you in my life right now". Our baby wasn't planned, just a lovely surprise as everyone kept saying. Except for me! The scary thing was I was so excited throughout the pregnancy and then when she was born I found it so difficult to feel love for her. A truly horrible, awful feeling. I never had really terrible urges, but certainly strong enough for me to feel awfully guilty at the time. Anyway, to your question... What helped me through was firstly realising I had PND and letting someone know as it's a big thing to admit to yourself. Positive encouragement from everybody, company and helping me to keep busy. It's tough as a new mum, going through PND and it can be very lonely. Get her out of the house whenever possible to do normal things you used to enjoy together - shopping, going for coffee, walks etc, help her out a little with chores if she needs it(but be careful of treading on her toes and making her feel as though she can't cope without you!) get her to see the positive side of being a mother and praise praise praise!!!! Not only her but also how beautiful, gorgeous, cute, cuddly and good her baby is. She will get over it, at her own speed, and she needs to know that. Best of luck and love.

[WhatToSay]

Thanks Frans. I have been planning to arrange a girls night out and haven't got around to it - I'll make the effort to set it up over the weekend. My mum has actually offered to babysit for both children if my friend comes here and stays overnight, so she wouldn't even need to worry about whether her dh got home in time...

[WhatToSay]

Thank you too, Soggybottom. I know she will work her way through it - she has been so much brighter since she saw the counsellor last and started being open with a few other people about how she felt. She told her mum and her mum came to visit and is coming again next her dh is away. It is nt at all that she can't cope - she just thinks she can't! My friend is a great mum - and I'll keep reminding her .

[fransrosesarered]

not sure if will be the same for your friend not knowing her but i couldn't stand competitve mothering when i was trying to feel good about myself, it just made me feel worse. what a lovely mother you have

[Kaloo20]

Girls Night Out - isn't really a great option, there's nothing worse than feeling depressed in a crowd ... trust me I've been there.

Why not get the little ones looked after for a few hours and go and have a joint pedicure somewhere or paint pottery together, book onto a hanging basket class, a card making class etc. Something for her to be distracted with an activity so she doesn't feel uncomfortable yet relaxed enough for the two of you to chat.

[WhatToSay]

Hi Kaloo - for us, that is a girls night out! I had a facial or something in mind, followed by supper out somewhere. Neither of us are exactly nightclubbing-types!

[fransmom]

that sounds lovely seriously tho you sound just like me i'm not really a nightclub person either