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Am I losing it?

(8 Posts)
pingothedingo Mon 28-Nov-16 21:41:12

This is my first post. I've had a difficult few years: divorce, bereavement, no family nearby so feeling very isolated. I feel like I've dealt with a lot of loss, first with the recent bereavement (someone very close) but also with the divorce and loss of my dreams and how I saw the future. I'm also trying to come to term with not having any more children.

I've kept going an kept going, managing a volatile ex and getting a job and settling DS into nursery, building a relationship with ex as he struggles with stuff (pos on autistic spectrum) and know he loves DS but has to be guided in every single step. I've coped through hospital scares and running the house on my own and now my boy is a bit bigger and in Reception year, I am starting to get a bit of time to myself after not a single minute in years.

But I feel like I am now starting to fall apart. It's like I'm swimming and swimming trying to keep things ok and get us to the other side, but recently I am tired and starting to wonder what the point is.

A few friends who I have felt were close seem to have lost interest in me. I've realised my extended family see me way down near the bottom of their priorities. And for every time I want to do something, I invite about 6 people (both friends and family) none of whom are available.

I've told myself I have to just keep going, that being single makes it harder and I mustn't give up reaching out. But now I'm not so sure. I'm starting to feel desperate and needy. So I decided to see what happens if I stop contacting people.... 2 whole weeks with not a text or a phonecall off anyone. I realised how totally alone I am and how I don't have anyone. It's so depressing.

I've been sliding down and down, getting weepy and trying to hide it from my son. He has a hard life as it is. Doesn't need a mother going off the deep end too.

But today I scared myself. I was in a shop and someone was rude and unreasonable to me. I lost it. I argued and shouted and went on and on at the shop assistant who was rude to me for about 10 mins. I was completely out of control, shaking with pure rage. I am usually calm and reasonable and this frightened me. I feel like I'm losing control, sliding down into a dark place.

The worst bit is that my little boy was with me and was clearly shocked and shaken by my behaviour. I tried to calm down for him on the way home and told him I was sorry and that everyone gets mad sometimes but that I should have taken a deep breath and counted to ten. He was very upset at bedtime about it still.

I would be so glad for any advice. On how to make things better for my little one who is clearly distressed to see that. I have been so irritable of late and it is unsettling him.I have been ill and am tired and just have no patience or energy left to keep going.

Also, any advice on the anger. I really did scare myself. I don;t think I have ever been so angry. Out of all proportion to the event (though she was pretty rude and insulting in the shop).

And on the feeling alone. Oh I am so desperately lonely. Do I keep reaching out and trying to build relationships or should I just let it be and accept it is just me and DS, and we are a tight little unit.

Thank you if you have managed to get to the end of this.

Trying2bgd Mon 28-Nov-16 21:56:55

flowers

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You have been through a lot and it has and will take a lot out of you. The fact you have had to deal with a lot of it on your own has certainly not helped. Firstly, let me send you a big hug and say you are not the only one to feel this way. Even those of us who have had less on our plates can get to this point. I certainly recognise the anger. I think you sound very depressed and need support so I would advise you to see your GP as soon as you can. They will be able to discuss the situation with you and put you in touch with groups, counselling or if necessary medication. If there is a counselling service at work then use it. It does help. Also is there any chance you can move closer to family? Don't give up on reaching out to others, as grown ups it can take a lot longer to find the right people. Good luck with it x

Trying2bgd Mon 28-Nov-16 22:10:00

bump

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 28-Nov-16 22:34:51

I think it just sounds as if everything built up like a pressure cooker, and then just exploded. Don't feel too bad. The shop assistant was rude, and you have acknowledged that it was an over-reaction, but it didn't come completely unprovoked. Try to be kinder to yourself, it's a horrible time (got the t shirt). It's a cliche, but it does get better in time. Could you try and build in some treats for yourself and DS? Not necessarily things that cost, maybe spending time together, baking, or in the park type stuff. IME people do drop off a bit when you are separated. I think you find out who your good friends are tbh. There are more people out there for you to meet, who will become Your People. Have your tried MN local for other people in a similar position to meet up, if you think that might be something you would enjoy? You have learnt something from this. Next time someone is rude to you, you will probably pause longer, then address it more calmly. flowers x

pingothedingo Mon 28-Nov-16 23:09:38

Thank you both. It feels such a relief just getting a reply and a (virtual) hug. I just typed a long ish reply and somehow deleted it all. Will try again tmrw and will also look into mumsnet local and GP..

Going to bed now as all the crying and anger left me exhausted. Maybe a good nights sleep will help.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent Mon 28-Nov-16 23:55:56

I hope you slept well before you read this..

We all loose it every now and then. I suspect trying to be the best mum in front of DS adds extra pressure to what has been a trying time.

Can I suggest you apologise to the shop assistant with DS in tow. You said they were rude, probably they were, but you seem to say you lost it with another customer them the assistqnt got caught up. At the very least, by offering an apology you should hope to get better service in the future and show to DS that when you do something out of order, you need to be ready to say sorry and make up..,

At the very least, if you make peace with the shop assistant, it will close the issue for you and you can move on. Otherwise you may stqrt to dwell on the event.

Babyroobs Wed 30-Nov-16 13:53:58

Please try not to worry about your outburst. I have done this twice in the past and felt mortified that I over reacted so badly. Once like you was in a supermarket at the checkout. The second time was when someone cut in front of me in a carpark and i just lost it shouting and ranting. Looking back I was just so stressed trying to cope with 3 kids under 5, working shifts etc. I just wasn't being myself, like others have said it is just the pressure cooker effect.

hmmmum Wed 30-Nov-16 16:56:23

I lost it yesterday with a delivery man although it turned out OK in the end, but I felt so shaken afterwards and for the whole day. (Just saying I sympathise...and you're not the only one to do something like that...)
I'm so sorry to hear how alone you've been. I've felt that way too a lot but it's the fact you've had to deal with that on top of all the loss you've had.
Have you had counselling? Or is there a similar form of support like that you could get? That might help with all the feelings you're processing and getting a chance to get it all out there might help with friendships too.
Hugs to you, you've been through so much and you're going to be ok flowers

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