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Mental health

Someone help me, I cant take anymore

36 replies

bluetattythrow · 25/11/2016 12:50

I've got myself into a complete state financially, mentally and physically and I'm really not sure what to do. I feel trapped and I don't know a way out. I have thought about ending it all, but it wouldn't be fair on DCs or the rest of my family, but I can't see a way out. I'm definitely dragging them down.
I work in a job that takes years of study, and expense, and used to enjoy it. Then the place I worked at closed and every place was only offering commission-only work with no basic salary. I tried to career change and no one was interested, my cv and study is solely based on the role that I am in and I needed to get back into work quickly and so accepted a commission only role. It was such a huge mistake.
When a job is finished it can take between 3 months to 12 months, sometimes longer, for the work to be paid for, ie I was paid £300 this month for a job from 2015.
Some months I would earn £1300 full time and most months absolutely nothing regardless of the amount of hours that I'd put in, but I was told that it would go up and that things were going to get busier.
Then after a while a new contract meant that the commission I was paid went down from 50% to 25% due to financial changes at the company, meaning that for the same amount of work and hours I would earn at most £650 (FT) and often nothing. I still wait months to get that money, and it's never going to be any siginificant amount.
I am often told by the boss, who I'm scared of, that we must do mates rates for his friends, so some jobs I will go down from it being worth 1300 on my old commission basis, to 650 on the new basis, to just £200 because I have to do "mates rates"

I have earned £3000 this whole year for my work, and some days have worked from 9am to 2am the next morning. I have protested that I am not even covering my own expenses, travel etc, and that I cannot afford to pay my bills or buy essentials (or things that I call "essential" such as contact lenses, new glasses, winter coat, lunches etc) My mobile phone has been cut off (I am supposed to use my own mobile to call customers as we are not allowed to call mobiles from the office phone, but I now can't do that and it's making work even harder), which is no doubt affecting my credit rating and the bank has referred my £300 overdraft to debt collectors as they have seemingly worked out that I can't even pay back a measley £300. Which is true. I dont have £300 (when I used the overdraft I didn't know that my commission rate was going to be halved and I didnt use £300 that is £300 incl charges).
I dont even have £10 in the bank so cant even make a cash withdrawal.
I keep telling work that I need to be paid more or I have to leave, but they feel that I am committed to on-going jobs and cannot leave; they suggest that my dh should support me. He is trying his best with me and the DCs, but he cannot afford to do more than the rent, council tax and his and the dcs expenses. He cannot pay my mobile phone bill, give me money for glasses, or make up, or clothes etc. He isn't on great money (below national average) we never expected his salary to support us, we need two incomes, we both have to be earning and I'm more than letting the side down.

There is a recent job that I should have been paid £650 for but was paid £200 (one of these mates rates). I made an error on the job, my first serious one in my career, and I feel absolutely terrible. It remains to be seen as to whether it will have a financial impact on the customer, I'm hoping and praying that it doesn't and just can't stop thinking about it. The supervisor had overall responsibility but doesn't want to discuss it with the customer so I have had to deal with it all myself. I feel very scared and at my previous company was attacked by a customer, and was attacked at university by someone who I considered a friend, so I do get generally really nervous around agitated people. I know that it was my mistake, but there is supposed to be a whole complaints procedure and ways of dealing with these things. Everyone has washed their hands as they find the customer difficult, and has left me to deal with it. I'm genuinely really scared, and havent been sleeping or eating. My dh and family consider that it is a lot to be dealing with for £200. My DH calls it 'risk and reward' and just keeps saying that the 'reward' for doing the job just isn't worth the 'risk'.

My GP has signed me off sick on the basis that I am at immediate risk of a stroke (long medical history) but work have needed me in so I have tried to just get on with it. However, I am becoming more and more physically ill with severe headaches and dizziness and I think mentally unwell too. I can't stop shaking and crying all the time and I dont know a way out. This has made me start thinking about the customer that attacked me at the previous job and what happened at uni, and I know that's my fault, not this new customer (who has every right to be annoyed) but I'm a nervous wreck.

I'm thinking of all kinds of conspiracy theories, such as the guy at uni was he asked to attack me by my ex boyfriend as he stopped when his phone rang and the phone call was from my ex. I always thought that it was a huge coincidence and that my ex had unwittingly saved me from being raped. But now I've started to wonder, as he hated me so much and had some really strange ideas about women which he claimed were normal and cultural but were not part of any culture, he was just an idiot , whether he set the whole thing up. There's no way of finding out and I don't know why I am making up conspiracy theories, I just feel like my mind is swirling thinking about 50000 things at once all of the time. I think I'm losing my mind.

I had to take today off as dc isn't well and DH wouldnt have the day off because, as he rightfully says, it isn't worth letting his employer down when his employer pays him a monthly salary, and we need that salary to survive. That is what is keeping our heads above water. Work were really funny about it, and I am worried that they think I am avoiding the customer. But my dc genuinely went to the GP yesterday and genuinely is ill. I do not take sick days, and thank goodness dc are not frequently ill, I am not one of those people who is looking for any excuse for a day off. If I can't come in it is genuine, I have never pulled a sickie and my attendance is really good.
I obviously want to, and need to, leave my job as I need to earn money. I have been trying to go since August, there isn't a month that passes that I dont try to give notice and I have requested meetings, but they just keep saying that there is no one else to take on my existing work so I would be leaving customers, and them, in the lurch. The work I have could be ongoing until spring and I dont know how to survive until then.
The debt collectors are calling, customers are calling, work rings me at 10pm (it's supposed to be a 9-5.30 job) and all for no money. It's getting to the point where I am scared of my phone! Every time it makes a noise I just think who is this? who do I owe money to now? What new job do I have to do for two hundred quid? Same with the post.
Last month I was paid nothing at all. This month I was paid £300 from a job from over a year ago. Doesn't even cover train fare. I can't go on and Im not allowed to leave.
I dont know a way out of this. I am scared of my boss, of the customers, of everyone and I dont know how to get away from any of them.

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cheekyfunkymonkey · 25/11/2016 12:54

I'm not sure what you do but it doesn't sound like it's doing you any good at all. No job is worth your mental health