Depression - the gloom that comes over you

[onedayimightforget]

Does anyone else experience this? That feeling of gloom that sweeps over you? It feels almost comforting but at the same time it's horrific and upsetting. I think the comfort is at the thought of succumbing to it, it's the thought that you could just wallow in it because it's the easy thing to do. Tears don't feel too far away and crying can make you feel better. I'm thinking of that scene in Bridget Jones where she's singing "All by Myself" and sobbing. But it's horrific because of the fight not to succumb to it. I would love nothing more than to go and curl up in my bed, cry, sleep and eat crap. But not only do I have two children to look after, I also know that if I did that I would have an even bigger battle to dig myself out of it.

The gloom is starting. It is awful. I want to cry but I don't want to be weak because the weakness can let it take hold. I want to think about all of the things I don't like about myself and all the reasons I have for feeling this low because it makes the overwhelming sadness justified. But thinking of those things takes me closer to hiding under the duvet. It's exhausting fighting it. The exhaustion makes the bed/sleep option more appealing, but my children make the fight against it necessary.

Am I destined to a life fighting this "gloom"? I've always described it before as being on the brink of major depression (I don't know if that's what it is clinically, it's just how it feels). I've always manages to fight it. What if one day I don't/can't?

[Itisnoteasybeingdifferent]

I was crawling out my skin a few weeks ago...
Meds now working and I feel so much better that if I didn't have DP to tell me how bad I was, I would feel like a fraud...

[GhostlyAbode]

I don't have any answers but feel the same. I could not fight it yesterday and spent all day crying and wishing it all to stop.

I have recently gone back on mess as I could not maintain the fight but I'm not sure if they are working or making it worse.

[Belager]

I get times like that, suddenly everything is wrong and I can't cope and life would be better if I'm not here.
Luckily CBT and meds have helped greatly. I used to have an episode ever other month, but now I can recognise it and I seek help, does take me a few days though.
Hugs to all.

[pklme]

Am I destined to a life fighting this "gloom"?

Yes but... When your children are a bit older, when you have practised some self care, when you have got better at recognising the symptoms early and more in control of life so you get less exhausted... Then the dips are easier to hold off.

[Katytaty76]

Oh I feel so much for you. I'm waiting for the doctors to open to try get more help. I'm on meds but they're not working. I need more help. It's like a big fur coat sweeping me into it and it's taken me too far. You're not alone. I shall let you know if the doctor listens. Much love xxxx

[onedayimightforget]

Thanks for all the supportive messages. It's nice to know you're not alone but I'm sorry you're all going through it/have been thought it too. And I hope you the GP is supportive Katy.

I'm on medication (recently increased) and I'm having CBT. I have been doing better than I was but sometimes that's a pressure in itself - you start to feel you're coming out of it but then you have an off day and you wonder if it's an off day or if it's all starting again. I am feeling a little better today. Exhaustion is not helping. DD2 was unsettled in the night so I didn't get the most amount of sleep but some is better than none.

[GhostlyAbode]

I hear you about the second guessing - is it a bad day, is it the medication, do I really need them, maybe they are making it worse and so on. So difficult when you can't see the problem.

I hope all have as good a day as they can xxxx

[onedayimightforget]

It's crap isn't it Ghostly. I'm also questioning if I'm taking the right meds but the thought of switching and things getting worse is too greater risk, even if they could make things immeasurably better. I don't have a "diagnosis" as such, just lots of labels that have been mentioned and because they seem to fit I latch onto them, because somehow knowing what it is makes it feel like it can be tackled. But without an actual, certain diagnosis I never know if I'm having the most effective treatment. It's amazing how alone you can feel sometimes but you all feel at least similar to me so we're in good company.

[Katytaty76]

I wouldn't wish this on anyone but so nice to know I'm not alone. I've been back to the docs this morning. I told him everything, he didn't really bat an eyelid. He has changed my meds to Sertraline and I have to go back on Monday. Gave me the number for counselling and told me to ring, which is difficult when I find it hard to even speak to my family, let alone someone on the phone. Has anyone had Sertraline prescribed? I'm glad you're FEMA bit brighter today. I hope that stays with you xx

[Thehubbleswindscreenwipers]

There's is no help though. I went to my doc, he gave me sertraline. It didn't work. I've begged for help from the baby clinic - they sent me to a counsellor who told me to give my child sleeping pills and told me 'I'm not here to talk about you.' I've begged and begged for help. There isn't any.
Theyve just got back to me today and told me there's not an appointment until the new year. I don't see a way out. I am getting 1-2 hours of broken sleep a day.
I understand about the gloom. Ds is bored and cranky and I can barely move.

[onedayimightforget]

It's so hard when you have children to look after and you feel like this because then you feel guilt on top of already feeling crap.

I went to get my youngest weighed at the clinic this morning and I spoke to her about my older daughter who has been a bit emotional lately after being in a car accident and being in hospital. I'd say her reaction is normal but I wanted to see if there's anything I could do to help her through it or how best to approach it. The HV started telling me that I'm projecting my own anxiety and depression onto my daughter and that the reason I have anxiety and depression is because my Mum did. I get that children pick up on moods and where possible they shouldn't be exposed to the way their parents are feeling but I haven't exposed her to this. I put on a smiley, happy persona around my children and that's what's so draining. She made me feel awful as if I didn't feel bad enough about myself already, I now have to feel like I'm messing up my kids. My husband thinks she's an idiot but it's difficult not to take it to heart.

[ThinkOfTheMice]

Your HV is an idiot.

[onedayimightforget]

It amazes me how crap HCPs can be when it comes to depression. My GP is generally quite good but the last time I went it took a hell of a lot and outwardly I just asked my medication to be increased but inwardly I was screaming and begging for help. If he has just asked me some questions he would have understood a little more about how low I was actually feeling but instead he just gave me the prescription and sent me on my way.

I have had Sertraline before but I didn't find it as effective as Citalopram. It's one of those things though that other people might find Sertraline better than Citalopram. Different things work for different people. I only ever find that Citalopram takes the edge off, the real depression is still there though. Some would argue that that's what therapy is there for.

[Crystal15]

Your health visitor wants reporting.

I like what claire weekes says about depression. Very apt. There are some free audios online If you Google. The talk on depression starts at the end of the 3rd audio I think. She was definitely a genius. She advises not fighting depression, not giving in either and heading for the duvet. But slowing down and allowing it to be and it will pass without fear or judgement. It's something I'm practicing, sort of like mindfulness I guess. Does work wonders once I get the hang of acknowledging it rather then dreading it and getting on with the day rather then rushing my day hoping not to notice the depression. Hard to explain, but she describes it so much better. Worth a listen

[Blossomdeary]

It sounds as though you are getting the right treatments. The increase in meds will take a while to kick in, so hang on in there.

I had a major depressive illness following surgery 2 years ago and my life was saved by the medication which I still take. At the time I could never have dreamed that one day I might feel better - but I do. So just hang on in there. There will be ups and downs but you will get there. When the increased dose gets going you will feel stronger.

Ignore the HV trying to be an amateur psychologist! Just because you have been unlucky enough to suffer a depressive illness, it does not mean your DD will - complete nonsense. It is just bad luck and we have to take what life throws at us and get all the help we can.

Don't despair - the light at the end of the tunnel will slowly appear - there will be ups and downs on the way but you have to hang on to the idea that you will get there in the end. When I was at my worst, a friend who had also suffered this dreadful illness just sat holding both my hands and repeating "You will get better."

[onedayimightforget]

That's an interesting approach Crystal. I'll have a look at that.

Thank you for your post Blossom. And to everyone. I wish that people could speak this openly about depression in real life, it has given me a lift today to read all of your messages because it's made me feel less alone and like I have a safe place to speak openly about it. Thank you all.

[Grannysmithy]

I have suffered bouts of depression & it really is an all consuming darkness that sucks the joy out of everything. It's hard when you have children to look after but also sometimes a good thing I think as you often have no choice other than to get on with things.

It used to take all my energy to do the school run & I always avoided talking to anyone as I just couldn't summon the energy. I felt as though I was existing in my own bubble, always tense, tired, tearful & felt so incredibly lonely.

I was put on Citalopram too & I honestly believe this helped me massively. I started on a low dose which didn't seem to help initially but once the doctor increased it I felt improvements within a couple of weeks.

There were aspects of my life that I was unhappy with but now I am in a much better position.

I've been off all medication now for almost a year & I do still have down days but not as all consuming as before. I've found that a good diet & as much sleep as possible helps (easier said than done I know) if I've eaten badly eg, lots of carbs / junk / sugar then I've noticed my mood tends to plummet. Also I try to drink lots of water which seems to help with tiredness.

Just wanted to say that I don't think it has to necessarily be a life long problem (in my own experience)

to you op & to those having a bad time.

[GhostlyAbode]

Well back home from work and I survived another day. Had to chant in my head a lot 'you can do it' 'just one more breath / minute /hour /email etc etc. But I got there.

I hope everyone else is ok. The evening are always better for me so I will enjoy it till the morning when it all starts over again! Just place one foot in front of the other.......

[onedayimightforget]

As part of my CBT I'm making a plan each night of what I will do the following day. My plan for today was to take my daughter to the clinic, which I did, but I also made soup and a marinara sauce. To anyone else they're small achievements but I feel really good that I have done more than what I set out to do.

[ThinkOfTheMice]

Do you find cbt helpful? I just couldn't get on with it.

[onedayimightforget]

I do find it a bit helpful. It's not going to be a miracle cure and I do think I'll reach a limit with it but it has given me a certain insight and some mechanisms to cope with certain situations. I think for me, it's quite methodical, it gives you a set of procedures and rules to follow, and I like that way of working/thinking, it gives me something to focus on. I've made a good connection with the therapist and I think that's helped a lot.

[onedayimightforget]

It's been two weeks since my last reply and I had been doing better but today I feel that same overwhelming sadness coming back. I need to try to remind myself that it will pass.

[out4thecount]

I'm sorry you feel like you're sinking again oneday.

I really understand how you're feeling, being in the mire of it myself. If we sit it out long enough it will pass eventually.

I also get how you feel about communicating with your GP. I'm a GP and still can't articulate to my own GP the severity of my symptoms so I don't know how we (GPs) expect non medical patients to.

[MagicChanges]

Another sufferer here - have a diagnosis of recurring depressive disorder. I've had it for 7 years but am so much more fortunate than you ladies, as I don't have small children - mine are all grown and I have GC but I worry that I can't be a "good nan" to them. My depression fluctuates from day to day and there are no triggers - can go to bed feeling fine and wake feeling shite, and yes I do hide under the duvet all mornings, as on bad days mornings are worse. I have a supportive DP but my life is still really difficult. I can't make any plans as I never know how I am going to be.

I have a CPN and see a consultant psychiatrist and had my 3 monthly appt with him today. He's very nice and never rushes me but keeps asking me the same thing, how am I on bad days, how do I get through the day. I told him October was a truly terrible month, with only a couple of days feeling normal, it was just day on day of deep despair and I told him I felt suicidal and did actually drive myself off to a place I shouldn't go, and that seemed to worry him. He urged me to contact the Crisis team but there is nothing they can do, only tell you to have a warm bath, go for a walk or make a cup of tea!!

I think the problem is that for people who are fortunate enough never to experience MI they just can't understand how it sucks the life out of you emotionally and then stops you helping yourself by doing things to distract yourself because you have no motivation. The psych mentioned me "feeling a bit low" and my DP said "it's not a bit low, it's deep despair."

I feel so much for you young moms -I just don't know how you do it - and those worrying about work. Someone said it is up to the GP and patient to decide when you are fit for work, and not for work to decide when you are fit. Of course the very time when you need to be assertive you are an emotional wreck but please get sick notes until you feel able to go back and that might take longer. As someone say mental health comes under the Disability Discrimination Act and so they can't just sack you as it is unlawful now to discriminate against someone because of their mental health.

Sending warm wishes to all................