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...to feel like running away or topping myself...

(34 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

ShitAtEverything Sat 05-Nov-16 11:06:22

...don't worry I'm not going to, because I know it would break DDs heart, but I've fucked both our lives up and although there is a light at the end of the tunnel its a long way in the distance and I don't know how I'm going to make it that far.

Left EA exH in July, moved in with parents. It's just a nightmare. My mum is elderly, totally dogmatic, controlling and hypercritical. Every day there are digs and moans and being made to feel unwelcome. Having hated H with a passion she now takes his side and keeps telling me that she can see why I wound him up so much, and if I had been better with money we wouldn't be in this situation and I should have stayed until I could afford to rent (SE would've taken a year probably, I was scared of him and DD was having counselling).

I'm not the tidiest, most hyper efficient person but I'm doing my best. DD and I are out of the house most of the week, so we're not really getting in the way. Bedrooms aside they've made very few changes in their living arrangements to accommodate us (although admittedly that's a big one).

I just feel like everyone thinks I'm useless, lazy and a huge burden. As mum keeps pointing out, if she and H both find the same things wind them up it must be me.

Another blinding row this morning when I suggested we try and find a place in a refuge or that DD tries living with her dad (he was mostly ok with her, it was witnessing his behaviour to me that caused her distress) and I live out of the car or on friends sofas for the next 6 months. There's a 3-4 year wait for council accommodation, so that's pretty pointless to consider.

DD hears everything that goes on because the house is open plan and mum is deaf so impossible to have a quiet conversation. She's 12 - I shouldn't have put her in this position, and to make it worse I've just (accidentally) done something that H used to do when he was playing up which I hate myself for.

Don't even know why I'm posting. I suppose I'm just hoping someone can suggest some way of making this bearable or tell me I'm not the worst human being/mother on the planet just because I don't behave as other people want/expect me to 100% of the time, but perhaps that's the way its meant to be.

haveacupoftea Sat 05-Nov-16 11:10:39

You are not the worst mother, you are under a lot of stress. You're a great mum for getting DD out of that situation. I think you should ring Women's Aid and ask them for help, they can help you find your feet again xx

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Sat 05-Nov-16 11:12:53

You're doing the best you can with what you have. That is all anyone can ask of you. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be enough.

You sound like you've been incredibly brave so far brewflowers

JessShouldHaveBeenAPiranha Sat 05-Nov-16 11:15:23

It's not you. In fact, your mother's attitude to you suggests why you may have fallen into an EA relationship in the first place. I imagine you already had a pretty poor opinion of yourself having grown up with this sort of criticism.

You desperately need to move out. Can you get advice from your local council re: housing benefit, deposit bonds etc? Perhaps seeing a GP about how depressed the situation is making you feel might also be useful - they can back up a housing request and also offer some support with re-building your self esteem. You poor thing; from one EA relationship to another.

PetalMettle Sat 05-Nov-16 11:15:28

You have Been so brave for your daughter. However you "wound up" your husband that's no excuse for him treating you so badly your dd needed counselling.
Unfortunately it seems as if your mum is abusive also.
Second suggestion to contact women's aid

Cucumber5 Sat 05-Nov-16 11:17:09

Your mother and ex sound a nightmare.

Your mother needs to write a letter saying can no longer stay at her house from X date (ideally Monday). Then first thing Monday morning present yourself and DD as homeless to the councils housing department. The accommodation you will obtain will be crap but temporary till something else can be arranged.

Cucumber5 Sat 05-Nov-16 11:19:20

youre at a low eb and very vulnerable. It's very nasty for your mother to pull you apart further when in fact she should be supporting you

JellyBelli Sat 05-Nov-16 11:23:49

As mum keeps pointing out, if she and H both find the same things wind them up it must be me.

Your mother is abusive and the relationship is toxic. Please phone Womens Aid.
0808 2000 247
Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge
www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CLTFlMWzgs8CFQaNGwod4qgDMQ

And looks at Eric Bernes books; 'I'm OK, You;re OK', and 'Games People Play.'
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 05-Nov-16 11:24:59

flowers. I'm going to say this. You're mother sounds awful. No scratch tgst toxic, in fact. What she's doing is mentally abusing you. Blaming you for all that cunt put you through. I speak for everyone as well as my self on here, when. I say "*The victim is never to blame*. Oh and if Hes so fabulous why doesn't your mother go out with him.
I second pps suggestion about contacting women's aid.
You're a brave and inspirational women. Never be told different. X

Mrstumbletap Sat 05-Nov-16 11:25:38

OP so sorry you are feeling crap. Is there anywhere else you can go? Are you working? Could you get a tiny flat even a studio flat just to get out and have your own space?

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 05-Nov-16 11:29:59

Yes the accommodation may be crap. Cucumber. They're hardly going to give op a mansion with 10 bed rooms and an indoor swimming pool, but. I'd rather live in a beach hut than with some so toxic. It doesn't matter whether you live in a castle or a stable, as long as you live in peace and harmony.

PoldarksBreeches Sat 05-Nov-16 11:31:49

If you are genuinely homeless then you will be housed in temporary accommodation which can be for several years. Why haven't you done that?

ShitAtEverything Sat 05-Nov-16 11:38:14

It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be enough.

It never is though. Nothing I do or am is ever right/enough. I try so bloody hard, juggling balls in my head to keep everyone happy and try to manage a little bit of something for me. My friends & colleagues think I'm always busy and on top of everything but I always feel like a lazy, indecisive cow that's getting it all wrong. Ironically mum often tells me I take on too much, but I think what she means is that I take on things that she doesn't approve of and neglect what 'should be' my priorities. With ex I could spend the whole day cleaning the house and he'd notice the one thing I hadn't got round to doing and sulk about it.

Am on ADs but haven't been great about taking them so do need to address that. Probably could use (yet more) counselling too but started working f/t a few months ago and whilst they are great and supportive don't really want to ask for more favours/time off.

Your mother needs to write a letter saying can no longer stay at her house from X date (ideally Monday).

That will never happen as it would make her the bad guy. Tbf she and dad are elderly and have various health problems which they struggle with. They could do with being in a ground floor flat, possibly warden assisted but can't do that while we're here. Having said that my mum is so exacting I don't think they'd ever find anywhere shed be satisfied with.
I think there is an element of her taking her frustrations out on me. She's not all bad by a long shot but when she goes off on one she is absdabsdolutely foul.

t's not you. In fact, your mother's attitude to you suggests why you may have fallen into an EA relationship in the first place.

That has occurred to me. Although she's been a good mum in lots of ways, just very controlling. And now she's older she has no filters whatsoever, and I suspect a narcissistic streak. Every time we have these rows it ends up with her distraught and in tears for hours and me having to grovel and apologize to rectify the situation. I can hear her downstairs now.

Feel desperately sorry for my dad who is also caught in the middle of it all.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 05-Nov-16 11:41:17

What's the financial and divorce situation? Did you and exH have a property you owned? How far have you got towards the financial settlement?

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 05-Nov-16 11:44:23

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. flowers
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on jo@samaritans.org. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

nilbyname Sat 05-Nov-16 11:52:37

You've had lots of great advice on here and I just wanted to add can you try some CBT strategies- so when your mum gets in your head or starts on at you, you interrupt your negative thoughts with some rational ones?

Smile and nod and disengage from her negative comments, don't take the bait and shut her down.

"It's sad you think that way. I disagree with you". "I'm not discussing that with you." "I won't talk about that with you. I've made my potion clear"
Shut her down and don't allow chat/arguments about it.

Let her rant and then do not respond at all.

ttran05 Sat 05-Nov-16 11:54:35

There's a lot going on for you, but the main and most important thing is that you've gotten out of an EA relationship which is a huge achievement.

I know your current living situation isn't ideally, esp. living with elderly parents who have their own specific needs. I wouldn't rule of council housing or housing associations thought but its worth talking to someone and seeing what your options are. This may make everything a bit less stressful in the short term.

I think the priority for you now is the well-being of both you and your daughter, if she has witnessed how your ex has been with you, she may not feel comfortable staying with him alone. And there's no guarantee that he will still be okay with her now that you have left him. Your mother being angry at this suggestion does in some way show that she does care about your and your DD's safety.

With regards to work, I would suggest you talk to them there too. Working full time and trying to sort out all this will be quite difficult, with most of these places open during working hours. Maybe suggest a temporary reduction in your working hours for 3 months or so?

I hope my advice will be of some use and comfort. I wish you the best.

6demandingchildren Sat 05-Nov-16 11:57:57

You are having such a shit time and I have been there, like you I was scared and felt so down, I was given a room in a town 20 miles away with my 2 children and that first night I could not stop crying, next day I pulled up my pants and put on a happy face for the kids and told them how much fun we would have and that got me thinking that If I can make the situation right for them I could also make it right for me, the next day I sorted benefits out for us (my own money) then I contacted a solicitor to start divorce proceedings, the day our first benefit payment came through I bought some things to make the room more like a home and we did make it our own, since that day I have never looked back as I know I can do this thing called life and all I can do is give it my best shot xx

ShitAtEverything Sat 05-Nov-16 12:00:06

Thanks MN.

I know we'll get there but its just really hard at the moment, and I discovered yesterday when I saw my solicitor that we are likely to be here longer than I thought.

There is a family home with a decent amount of equity but it's in DHs name. I've registered matrimonial homes rights and he's being surprisingly good about it all, but we need to get the divorce going along before we can get a consent order and can't really market the house until then.

The courts are not that fast apparently so it's likely to be 6-9 months. I have debts and no savings so can't afford the upfront costs of renting (or any furniture!) in the meantime.

Feel like a bit of a drama llama now I've calmed down, but the comments about exH really got to me this morning. Mum's other issue is me being on my tablet - she tells me to 'get off that fucking thing' on at least a daily basis. When she did it this morning I made to throw it in the bin (I know, behaving like a stroppy teen!), didn't realise DD was to the side of me and it caught her en route. She wasn't hurt but exH used to throw things and I was always worried she would get caught in the crossfire so I felt awful sad.

PotteringAlong Sat 05-Nov-16 12:04:27

Do you have to stay in the south east? Is there any way of moving somewhere cheaper?

ShitAtEverything Sat 05-Nov-16 12:10:53

Well done 6 you're amazing smile. Hope things are going along ok for you now.

ttran that is really helpful. So far work have been fine about me popping out for solicitor appts and to take DD to her appointments. DD should be able to access counselling at school from around Christmas.

I can probably do Housing dept on Friday as we close half an hour earlier. I have their forms, just need to write the reasons for needing accommodation. They won't even give an appointment until forms are submitted.

I think I will speak to my line manager and just ask if she is happy for me to attend whatever I need to on an ad hoc basis, or if she feels a temporary reduction in hours would be better for them logistically.

PoldarksBreeches Sat 05-Nov-16 12:12:12

Oh I see. How frustrating. If you're working then you should be able to save enough for a deposit and rent on a 1 bed fairly quickly? Even in the south east you can move for £2000. I know that's a lot but doable if you're working and not paying rent.

ShitAtEverything Sat 05-Nov-16 12:13:31

Pottering it's crossed my mind but our entire support network is here.

I could do it if it were just me (hell, I'd probably be sleeping in my car if it was just me!) but DD has been through enough without being uprooted from her friends and her secondary school which she only started in September and is loving and doing really well at.

Cucumber5 Sat 05-Nov-16 14:50:13

Aww. I don't know why you're jumping on my back. My posts were supportive of the op. I used to work with people who were homeless and the immediate emergency accommodation might be rough. However as I stated it will be temporary solution.

ShitAtEverything Sat 05-Nov-16 14:52:52

Poldark - we are paying some rent, all our food costs, higher transport costs as parents live a bit further out than we were previously.

In the last three months I've had to find money for a full set of new school uniform, work clothes & shoes for me as new job has a very different dress code from previous one, keeping DD occupied over the hols, 3 significant birthdays, plus solicitors and court fees.

I'm getting by OK, but there's really not a huge amount left over, although probably could tighten it up a bit. I work in a school so although I'm full time the fact that it's term time only knocks out 13 weeks wages per annum which makes quite a difference.

It's not just rent - the upfront costs alone would be a minimum of £2k but we have no furniture or white goods whatsoever so would need to buy those too, not to mention the number of landlords that will rule us out for claiming HB. There is a large agency here that won't even consider tenants unless they are earning a minimum figure per year and not in receipt of any benefits!

The really galling thing is that mum and dad are in a position to help us out with that side of things but won't - God only knows why if I'm that hard to live with.

Things have calmed down a bit anyway. I think I need to find a way to detach from mum's comments and just try and find a way to make it work for now. Sometimes it's easy to mentally fast forward to when we'll be settled in our own place. Other times it's impossible.

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