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Will I always feel like this? Feeling lost and directionless and lonely(3 Posts)
Feeling extremely low and stressed and anxious at the moment and I don't know how to stop it. It's situational but also to do with how I think act and behave.
It started when we moved out of London to a commuter town and I had my first child. I felt lost, lonely and depressed. Things improved as my son got older and I went back to work part time but I still didn't feel quite right.
Things descended again about three months ago, I had my second child six months ago and actually felt OK for the first few months so I don't think it's pnd.
I just feel like I have lost my way. I don't enjoy where we are living and haven't made many friends. I think I don't help myself as I'm quite shy and not great at making friends really.
My husband does long hours so isn't about much. I'm not sure what to do about work either. I don't enjoy my job but at least it gets me up to London and a break from the kids-but it's not a great thing to be doing a job you don't like just for that reason! It's more the feeling lost and lonely here than the looking after my children part I think too. Plus I don't know what will happen when kids start school as I'll have to rethink commuting then anyway.
Also I'm having this awful jealousy/envy for someone who is a friend. She also moved out here but has settled really well. Didn't struggle with pnd, has a great part time job at home, is wealthy, husband works at home and she's made friends easily. I'd go as far as saying I intensely dislike her now as we are just on different wavelengths. She just says things that wind me up and looks at me in a sympathetic way which I find really patronising. But I know it's me being envious and not thinking straight at the moment rather than her really. But I'm writing this as I've just been crying after seeing her and feeling like shit so I need to do something about it.
I'm my own worst enemy. I tried getting into the community more by joining a running club but was told I shouldn't run yet as too soon so felt demoralised by that (see - am being over sensitive here too!) and now this friend has joined and easily made friends there and I just feel so low about it all.
We can move area. I think we need to but I'm scared. Scared of feeling like this still and just the general upheaval.
I can retrain for work. But I'm scared as I don't know what to do or if now is the best time if I'm feeling so bad at the moment.
I want to feel like this friend - settled and happy and thriving. I don't. I just feel lost and scared and tearful.
I don't really know why I'm posting this. I have better days but do feel like I am slipping into depression sometimes. I've tried cbt and is helpful for me but not when feeling this low. Maybe lots of other mothers feel like this I don't know?
There is a song line that goes..
No matter where you go you always take the weather with you..
It should be .. you always take yourself with you.. Moving and changing jobs won't stop you being you.
You are not a bad person, just a very tired mum holding down a job and bringing up two children. And how do you know friend is actually doing well? She could be hiding her real emotions..?
please keep positing. .. If you want you can join Latex Wrists Bitches .. a place to bitch without anyone judging like you would get on AIBU.
Read your post OP and just wanted to say - you think you know all about your friend, but the truth is, you don't.
You say "I want to feel like this friend" - but you don't know what she is feeling. You only imagine it.
You don't know what demons she is fighting or what burdens she is carrying. You only see what she wants you to see and what she presents to the world.
Forget about her and your ideas about what she might feel like. It is all conjecture. If the relationship is not a good one for you then gradually withdraw from it and seek out alternatives.
When the kids start school you will probably find that is a helpful way to get into the community more.
You do sound quite stuck, that you would like to try this and that, but it is hard. Part of the problem is that you ARE stuck at the moment - a toddler and a baby really limit your life and you are firefighting all the time. It is hard to think straight and get a direction in life when you have two small ones at home. Perhaps you could give yourself a break? Mine are 7 and 5 now and it is so much easier to say "yes I need to do this in my life now" and just do it. When they were the age of yours it was just like wading through a bog everyday! No way would I even have considered joining a running club then so you are doing a hell of a lot better than I was at your stage ...
Good luck and if you feel really down do talk to a GP or seek out a therapist.
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