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I want to run away...

(18 Posts)
CrazyCatMum Tue 01-Nov-16 23:56:40

And never come back.
I'm so tired of life, tired of being a mum, it's all to hard to keep doing it.
Crisis team is back in as I'm a high risk but I do t want to talk to them, don't want to see them because Truth be known I don't think I want to be saved.
I don't feel sad that I'll leave my children without a mum, I just don't seem to care.
They tell me think of your children how will they feel and I want to shout at them live in my head for 5 minutes and then tell me I'm wrong not wanting to be here.
It feels like everyone's feelings come way above mine and mine don't matter.
Is this as good as it get 😢

AnxiousCarer Wed 02-Nov-16 00:36:26

Big hugs to you, it's so hard when we feel like this. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but this will pass. Hang on in there, things will get easier. Are you safe tonight? Do you have a number to call if you need it. Or you can go to a&e if you need to be somewhere safe.

CrazyCatMum Wed 02-Nov-16 10:04:13

I managed to find some diazapam in the back of the cupboard and fell asleep for a couple of hours, woke up in a panic because I had woke up, stupid really what did I think 2mg would do?

Am waiting on crisis team to phone to see what happens next I don't want to go into hospital but that seems to be their line.
I'm just so tired 😢

AnxiousCarer Wed 02-Nov-16 13:16:46

Hi, glad you got through the night. They wouldn't suggest hospital unless they thought it was the right thing for you. Big hugs.

CrazyCatMum Wed 02-Nov-16 13:38:48

Thanks.
I've spoke to crisis team and have a list of phone numbers I have to use if I can't cope.
I can't stop panicking and crying. Can't breath but don't no if it's my asthma or am just in a panic.
I can't get rid of my sore head not helped by crying too much.
Have to pick up my weekly prescription but I'm scared to because I don't feel safe but if I don't get them I'm going to feel worse feel like I'm in a catch 22.
😢

MagicChanges Wed 02-Nov-16 17:57:22

Oh crazytcat I know exactly what you mean about people telling you all the people who would miss you etc when you talk of suicide. I feel as you do "Come and live in MY head and then you might understand" - I know they do it for the best but sometimes it just gets too much to bear doesn't it.

I can't imagine how you cope with mental illness and kids as well - mine are all grown thank god and I can't cope with 2 cats sometimes. I do hope you're not a single parent and have an empathetic husband/partner. Do you mind my asking about your diagnosis. Mine is recurring major depressive disorder with recurring being the operative word - I never know where I am - sometimes I get a few good days followed by some bad ones but am currently on day 32 of total crapness. Like you my head aches through so much crying. Have lovely CPN but all they can do is keep trying different pills and none of them work. I feel defeated.

No one knows the torment of mental illness unless they have first hand experience. See you poste at 1.38 pm - have you picked up your meds or can you get the pharmacy to deliver them - I think most of them operate this service now.

I want to run away too - but the fucking head monster would come with us...............x

AnxiousCarer Wed 02-Nov-16 20:23:58

Hi Catmum,

Hope you are doing ok. Did you get to collect your tablets. If you explain your wories to the crisis team could they arrange for you only to have a day or twos tablets at a time?

CrazyCatMum Wed 02-Nov-16 21:13:41

magicchanges yes I'm a single parent although just one of my children is still at home, I have 2 more children 1 has gone to live with her dad and the other lives with his girlfriend. So it's just me and my son and my mad 🐱
I have BPD, chronic depression, psychosis, and chronic pain.
I did get my prescription but it wasn't right so I have to wait for chemist to speak to doctors tomorrow. Bursting into tears in there wasn't one of my finer moments. They just looked at me like 🙄
Spoke to my cpn again this afternoon who went through the list of people I've to phone if I don't feel safe.
My mood has been dropping since Easter but the past month it's just dropped and it's dropping faster than i can keep up.
I just feel pathetic, it really feels better if I wasn't here but then I would probably mess that up to 😢

CrazyCatMum Mon 07-Nov-16 23:00:17

I don't no what to do anymore, I really don't.
It feels like no one is listening, but then I'm probably not getting it right.

I'm so tired, I don't no what's real and what isn't, it just feels a blur.
I hear things, things telling me what to do, I really want to do what they say but I'm scared I wont get it right and they will be angry with me.

I can't stop crying over stupid things, I can't seem to do anything without crying or wanting to strangle someone.
It scares me these feelings, it doesn't feel like me, it feels like a stranger has took over my body 😢

darksideofthemooncup Mon 07-Nov-16 23:20:58

Can't read and run. I know that you can't see any way out of this right now but please believe that it will pass. Is there anyone in Rl that you can talk to?

darksideofthemooncup Mon 07-Nov-16 23:21:40

Right now I mean

MagicChanges Tue 08-Nov-16 01:11:35

I get it CC - they're listening but always saying the same things and giving you numbers and then they tell you to have a bath or a cup of sodding tea. I know there's no easy answers but if only they knew what it was really like they'd DO something - anything.

Your talking about hearing voices which suggests that you are running into a psychotic episode. Do you anti-psychotics that you can take because you're sounding out of touch with reality. Maybe ring the crisis team and tell them about the voices. I know I know they might not be able to do anything but it's worth a try.

Like you I haven't been able to stop crying most of the evening and I can't sleep even though I'm knackered and I'm SO scared and then someone says "what are you scared OF" - Answer "Feeling like fucking THIS you stupid cow............." it's like we're going to say "spiders" or something normal. I went in the park this afternoon feeling like shit and was SO envious of all the happy people enjoying an autumn afternoon - that's nasty I know, but I want to be one of them. You are also depressed CC because depression is exactly as you describe it "it's like a stranger has taken over my body/mind/brain" - It's A LOSS OF SELF - I've been mentally ill for 7 years and it's all getting worse as I get older and I've had enough. I have a supportive partner and for than I'm fortunate and I get the "Oh think how XYand Z would feel" - and I think "And how would XY and Z feel if they had an hour in MY HEAD. Sorry I'm blathering on about me when you are in a state.

Try to get some sleep x

CrazyCatMum Tue 08-Nov-16 13:00:43

I thought I'd replied to this but I guess I hadnt.
They all know I'm hearing things and struggling to work out what's real but it just feels like they dismiss it but it scares me.
So far I've had daily contact with the crisis team but I just want to tell them to go away, that they are just delaying the enevitable(sp)

My cat doesn't seem to leave my side lately and I'm so scared that if I'm not here to look after him no one else will and he'll get put to sleep.
I don't seem to be worried about my kids and how it will be for them that they won't have a mum.
Everything is so muddled .

Am waiting on my daily phone call from crisis team where I tell them I'm struggling they say phone a friend, you've been here before, I want to scream so what, so what if I've been here before, it doesn't change how I'm feeling now it doesn't make it any easier, in fact it makes it more scarier because they're coming more and more frequent.
I just want it to stop 😢

AnxiousCarer Tue 08-Nov-16 13:10:06

Huge hugs to you both cat and magic

cat do you get the voices all the time of is it just when you are poorly. It does sound like psychosis, DH gets this too. Are you on antipsychotics? DH finds these helpful to reduce this. I know these voices are horrible and feel very real, keep reminding yourself that they are not real, they can't hurt you,nyou don't have to do what they say. If they are getting bad give one of those numbers a call.

MagicChanges Tue 08-Nov-16 17:13:52

The problem is that the person who is having a psychotic episode believes the voices - that's the nature of delusion! I know you mean well AnxiousCarer but it isn't helpful to tell people that the voices aren't real - if it was that easy there wouldn't be a problem!

CC yes I know the "you've been here before" one too and like you I want to scream - maybe we should - but it wouldn't make any difference. When I'm well I know they don't have magic wands and they're doing their best .
but there are times (like now) when I want to scream. I did once say "don't tell me about the soothing bath, the walk of wonder or the healing cup of tea because they DON'T work."

Thisjustinno Tue 08-Nov-16 17:35:11

By BPD do you mean bipolar or borderline PD?.

AnxiousCarer Tue 08-Nov-16 21:53:50

Magic with DH it depends at what point of the psychosis he's at as to if he can accept things arn't real or not. If he knows that he is hearing things he can be reassured they are not real, if he doesn't know he's hearing things then he's to poorly to belive they are not real.

cat how are you doing?

CrazyCatMum Tue 08-Nov-16 23:01:53

It's borderline pd I have along with a whole other list of lovely(not) diagnosis's.
I do take anti psychotics have done for a long time but I guess it's pot luck when or if they work.

Crisis team phoned , told me th same things, what to do if I don't feel safe, I don't want to feel anything, I don't want to breath it just feels pointless.
Life feels pointless.

They tell me things will get better but this episode has lasted for 8months and it's just getting worse and they don't seem to hear me or be able to help so I just shut down, it's easier that way, less disappointing if that makes sense.

I know no body can fix this but me but I don't know how and I don't think I have the energy anymore ☹️

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