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Don't want my DD anymore

(38 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

SparkleFlutterShy Tue 01-Nov-16 15:17:59

I don't feel like i can take care of my DD properly anymore after my brothers suicide. She's in nursery right now and I'm due to pick her up soon big I can't face looking after her.

I want to be with my brother. He's been gone for a day and s half now and I just can't cope.

DD is 10 months old and I do love her I just don't have the energy to feed her change her and bathe her. I really want my brother back.

treaclesoda Tue 01-Nov-16 15:20:34

You are shocked and grieving.

Do you have any other support? Friends who could come over and keep you company? Even if someone can just be there for company and a chat whilst you look after her?

MoonlightMedicine Tue 01-Nov-16 15:22:02

I'm so sorry about your brother. My sister killed herself 3 years ago, my son was 2 and I was 20 weeks pregnant with my DD. I remember how awful it is.

Is there anybody who can help with childcare today? Or in the coming days?

SparkleFlutterShy Tue 01-Nov-16 15:24:18

My mum and my sister are staying with me but I don't think they can cope either. My only other option is paid childcare as I don't have friends nearby. I'm at uni at the moment.

maybethedayafter Tue 01-Nov-16 15:24:26

I agree, you need some practical support. This is an enormous shock and a horrible situation but you won't feel this way forever. All you have to do now is get through an hour at a time. Focus on what you're doing and nothing else.

I'm sorry for your loss.

SparkleFlutterShy Tue 01-Nov-16 15:25:02

I should have done something. I never thought this would happen in my family

ImperialBlether Tue 01-Nov-16 15:25:38

Sparkle, I read your other thread - it was only yesterday morning that you found your brother.

This must be a terrible shock for you. I think you should try to see your doctor today. I think until something really awful like that happens we don't understand how much shock affects us.

I saw in another thread that you're a mature student at university. If you don't want to see your doctor today, could you ask to see a counsellor at university as an emergency? You really do need some help.

cestlavielife Tue 01-Nov-16 15:27:37

Focus on one hour at a time.

Just do the minimum feed change put on cbeebies.

Ask at nursery if someone can do extra hours?
Is the baby s dad around ? Can he take time off and be there?

MoonlightMedicine Tue 01-Nov-16 15:28:41

I know it doesn't feel like it, but your DD might be just what you all need to get through the next days. Cling together. It does get easier, I promise.

cestlavielife Tue 01-Nov-16 15:29:16

Call a specialist helpline or just samaritans to talk .

cestlavielife Tue 01-Nov-16 15:31:39

uk-sobs.org.uk has a helpline

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 01-Nov-16 15:33:38

Oh sweetheart. I'm so sorry for your loss. You've literally been hit by a ton of bricks. It's small wonder you don't have the energy to do anything. You're probably still in a dream like state. I was for weeks after my mum died, and her death was expected, but to lose someone so suddenly and to suicide. Is the epitome of unbearable.
As Treacle says. Do you have anyone who can help with your little one. A close friend or something. I wish I could help
Bless you all.

MothersGrimmReaper Tue 01-Nov-16 15:36:12

Can you phone the nursery and explain your circumstances, maybe someone can drive her home?

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 01-Nov-16 15:38:35

That's an idea Grimm, but. I don't think they would. Due to insurance purposes and the fact that there always has to be 2 people when in the presence of a child.

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 01-Nov-16 15:42:02

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on jo@samaritans.org. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

BecauseIamaBear Tue 01-Nov-16 15:56:43

Welcome Sparkle..

I am very sad to hear of your circumstances.. I really don't know what to say except please keep posting

Bear

Italiangreyhound Tue 01-Nov-16 15:57:38

ust be so very awful for you, but I don't know what we can do to help others when they take their own life, because maybe you did not know enough that he really intended to do this or even may have had no power to stop him.

Please, please be kind to yourself. You may not be able to help you brother but you can help your mum and sister just by being together, clinging together through this and your dd is one bright spot of humanity in all this sorrow.

She needs you, but please just do the the bare minimum to keep her fed and clean and get yourself to your GP a.s.a.p. get some help with all this.

You can also call or contact Cruse Bereavement

www.cruse.org.uk/

please ask your university if they have any kind of bereavement or other fund which could release some money to pay for extra care for dd or for anything else, it is possible but not likely, but worth asking.

Italiangreyhound Tue 01-Nov-16 15:58:20

Sorry that cut off the start, I said This must be so very awful for you....

PersianCatLady Tue 01-Nov-16 16:00:58

I am so sorry for your loss and understandably you are both distraught and shocked right now.

I don't think that you really don't want your DD at all but I do think that you are absolutely bewildered about what to do next.

I would definitely advise calling one of the helplines suggested above or are you still in contact with the health visitor or do you have a social worker that could help you at all?

I think that there should be some kind of help for people in situations like yours where they desperately need some help but only short term and that help should be freely available.

I also wish that in circumstances like your I wish that they was a way in which people could come round and help you in real life.

Please try and stay strong and let us know how you get on.

GreatFuckability Tue 01-Nov-16 16:03:06

oh sparkle, i'm so sorry. its very very early days, and you will be in shock and grieving. Its not that you don't want your DD, its that you do want your brother back, of course you do.

I can massively recommend Samaritans, personally. I've been where you are with a close family member and they were amazing. so supportive and helpful.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Tue 01-Nov-16 16:09:28

Sparkle I read your thread yesterday but didn't post as I have not experienced directly, but something close.

So sorry for your loss flowers

Maybe with a little time you will be able to try to view your DD as a positive force in your and your family's lives.

Perhaps you could 'use' her ( for want of a better phrase) as a focus, a routine, a little spark of joy.

And daft as it sounds, you could talk to her. While changing her nappy or feeding her, maybe you could let out some of your feelings. I talk to my dog and it helps, even though she can't talk back.

I hope that doesn't sound stupid.

You're under such a cloud, it must be so hard to see out.

Very best wishes flowers

dangermouseisace Tue 01-Nov-16 21:31:29

sparkle I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. And I'm sorry that you're having to go through this- I can't imagine how you must feel as it is a terrible way to lose someone. You must be in complete shock- which doesn't just affect you mentally it affects you physically too. There would have been nothing you could have done to stop this happening- your brother was obviously unwell.

If you can't find anyone to help just remember that you only have to do the basics with your DD at the moment. Feed, change, cbeebies/dvd. Whatever it takes to get through the next 10 minutes, the next hour etc flowers

As previous poster has suggested your uni might be a source of support/might be able to get some sort of support for you. Have you contacted your tutor?

BecauseIamaBear Wed 02-Nov-16 05:24:38

Sparkle,,
Please post something to let us know how you are,, even if you you don't feel great. We just want to hear from you.

SparkleFlutterShy Wed 02-Nov-16 06:36:47

The replies with links of organisations and reading other people's experiences has been helpful.

I'm going to contact my uni today as I haven't registered me or DD with a gp yet.

Last night we were talking about what a wonderful and talented person he was. He was very creative. He taught himself the guitar, he was an amazing artist and a great poet and writer he didn't even notice it. He was very sensitive and no doubt would have made a great father.

I'm trying to rationalise as to why he did it. His depression must have caused his brain to stop making serotonin. I wish I could have intervened as I've been a sufferer of severe depression for 10 years. Still battling PND now. But when I'm depressed I feel like I'm the only person on earth suffering. I see other people when they're feeling low and I think to myself, 'why are they so miserable?, they haven't had to deal with what I have'. So it's all very complicated and incomprehensible.

I'm not religious at all, an atheist in fact. I prayed last night and it made me feel better. I prayed that my brother is in heaven and he's guardian to those on earth who are suffering. True or not, it makes my circumstances easier to deal with.

I do have a lot of regrets though. Like not talking to him enough or recognising that he was isolating himself a lot. I wish he held DD more and played with her. But I guess he was feeling anxious. I wanted him to teach play her the guitar, if only I did it sooner. I didn't think he would go, so I was expecting him to be around as she grows up, she's 10 months old.

I saw him smile at her and he laughed when my mum told him about DD doing something funny. I saw how protective he was of her. He stopped her from getting to the bleach in the kitchen and told her that if she did so and so she would hurt herself.

Of everyone in my family I thought I would go by suicide. He had so much going for him, I guess he couldn't see it. He was humble- he wasn't materialistic and knew how to save money, unlike me who's terrible at saving because I have a bad impulse to spend. He was intelligent- I can't even describe what a talented writer he was. He got an A at GCSE. Despite how hard I tried I couldn't even scrape a B. And I liked English. He obviously had a natural flair for the subject.

I would do anything to get him back and I would change so much. I'm so glad that he met his neice and so sad that he won't be able to teach her his talents.

I was looking forward to watching him become someone he wanted to be and not feel 'stuck'. He was only young, 29. He still had time to change he just couldn't wait.

My sister and I want to write an obituary, we want people to know what a amazing person he was. We want to hand out cards with some of his poetry on at his funeral so everyone can see how talented he was. I want to enlarge and canvas every picture I have with my brother. I've even thought about naming my next child, if I have a son after my brother. Maybe I'm going a bit too far...smile.

I'm on a rolls coaster. It really feels like it. When I think of his greatness I feel better, then I ask myself why did he do this and it's the worst feeling in the world.

sandgrown Wed 02-Nov-16 06:45:35

What a lovely tribute to a much loved brother. When your DD is older you can share his poems with her. Maybe some of his poetry could be read at the funeral. flowers

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