My life has just not worked out. I just seem to have fucked it up. I was given plenty of opportunities but wasted them. I changed "career" at 30 and went to education as a teacher. Partner gave birth to DS and life seemed to be ok. Except it wasn't. Our relationship was never perfect and I was really struggling with teaching.
It all came to a head 6 years ago and we separated. I also was forced out of my job as a teacher. I was in a really bad place mentally and was put on capability. I knew I would be sacked so I left rather than have that on my CV.
I always wanted to be a good Dad. I struggled to find permanent work and got a lot of rejections. My CV and applications yell out as someone who has had a crap career. I did some supply work but that was unreliable. I also was determined to play a role in DS's life - so did part time supply work / part time contract jobs that I managed to get to do school runs / drop offs etc.
It's 6 years later. I had a massive period of job rejection and that really fucked me up. I just got the impression that no one wanted me. I have no social life as I really struggle for money - got a lot of debts that I paying through StepChange. I also pay a lot of maintenance to my ex to ensure that DS is ok. She has a mortgage and bills to pay. She works around DS but has an expensive mortgage. There's reasons why she won't move / downsize and she's always talking about money issues which makes me feel so guilty as I want DS to be ok.
I have my own business now. It's going ok but it's unpredictable. I can work around DS and do school runs which is handy. It's just so unpredictable and I constantly worry about money. It's having a bit of a down turn at the moment.
This is all affecting me. I think I've had depression for ages. It's a massive wave at the moment. Sometimes I just have no energy and lie in my bed for ages. I worry about the future and not having enough money for DS. I look back at the past and reflect. That does no good. DF knows a bit and has suggested I get a 'proper' job. But I look at my life and don't see any skills. My degree was a long time ago and I was a crap teacher.
Sometimes I'm ok. Things can go well. But there are times when I hate it all. I just want it to go away. I don't have any friends and I don't know if talking can help. No one can fix me.
It's the worry of money and providing for DS - when he's with me and maintenance. It's the worry of self employment. It's being so tired that it affects how I work. It's the constant feeling that I am not good enough and that everything I have will come crashing down.
I feel like I've failed life. But life is still going on. I am sertraline but sertraline and talking therapies won't take away the harsh reality of life.
I just have to get this out. I don't think anyone in my life truly knows what is going on in my head. I hate it.
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Mental health
Really struggling with life,self esteem, worry and supporting DS
7 replies
wastedmylife456 · 24/10/2016 13:01
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