Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Can anyone help me? I'm not coping.

(71 Posts)
WindfallenArch Tue 04-Oct-16 13:36:50

Everything really is as bad as I think it is - I don't think it's catastrophic thinking - I really am unemployable, friendless and skint. I see no end to it. I'm simultaneously skilless and overqualified so have no idea what to do to get some work to at least have a reason to get out of bed and wash. My family are all dead, my children have recently reached the stage where I embarrass them - they were my world and gave me a reason to live. My marriage is an empty shell. I have nothing and no one. I therefore wonder if there is anything wrong with my mental health at all - I may just be perfectly reasonably hopeless.

OhNoNotMyBaby Tue 04-Oct-16 13:43:43

Please go and see your doctor. I'm no expert but you seem very depressed to me. You are a wife and a mother and an individual with unique skills and talents. You are not worthless - you've just forgotten and misplaced your confidence and self-esteem. Get some medical help and then you can start working your way back to becoming the real you again.

WindfallenArch Tue 04-Oct-16 13:49:39

Hello oh - thank you for replying - it means a lot. I went to the doctor - I had 10 weeks counselling as a result. To be honest it has compounded just how awful things are - I am not kidding when I say that it got to the point where the counsellor actually laughed at one point - the amount of awful things that have happened and that I have done read like a badly over stuffed soap opera plot. Talking about it made me realise just how awful my life has been and how it has been a list of catastrophes, mistakes, failures and deaths. I really am a failure - there is nothing wrong with my brain I don't think - it is a natural reaction catalogue of failure.

Allatseainthemidlands Tue 04-Oct-16 13:50:53

I know nothing about mental health but if you need a reason to get out of bed and wash/ make yourself employable have you considered volunteering?
You can do all sorts of amazing stuff as a volunteer and meet new people/make new friends in the process.
Does your OH feel the same way about your marriage? Could it be retrieved? Is it worth talking about or seeking counselling?
And as for your children- this is just a stage- they will get past it - maybe not for several years but they will. They will need you to help them negotiate the early adult years- uni, parenthood etc. It's easy to make your world all about them but you had a world before they came along and you are a whole person whether or not they think so.
Please don't despair- and do consider seeing your GP about your sense of sadness and loss. Good luck

WindfallenArch Tue 04-Oct-16 13:58:51

Hi Allatsea. Volunteering is something I think about - but I'm currently so low I struggle to do anything at all. I spend most of my time screwed up in a ball. I struggle to get dressed.

Xocaraic Tue 04-Oct-16 14:10:49

Wind fallen Arch. I was in a very similar point in my life not so very long ago. But, each step towards a new you and a new reality for you is s step in the right direction. You won't get the life you want or deserve with the snap of your fingers. Just take it one day at a time. Just moving towards the life you want to have. Don't wait for a burst of motivation or Eureka moment. Posting here was that moment.

The longer you wait, the more you are 'stuck' with this life which makes you unhappy and Groundhog Day.

Today, make a promise to change just one thing, tomorrow chance one more, the day after that something else. All the time moving forward.

Look at yourself in the mirror and promise yourself good things. Offer yourself compassion.

You have the power of house and the power to change is within you! It may feel daunting now, but you CAN do this.

Think about something which you know will make you happy. It might be a solo holiday doing yoga, walking the Santiago de Compostella or a painting class but just DO something. Being active distracts the mind and allows some much needed distance from overthinking.

WindfallenArch Tue 04-Oct-16 14:16:50

Xocaraic walking the Santiago de Compostella is one thing, getting up off the floor is overwhelming. I've not eaten or washed today. The counselling has just finished and I now feel like I've just layed it all out and realised for the first time it really is a disaster rather than some unfortunate temporary stuff. My life really has been an awful mess and I'm now useless and looking at a lonely old age with no pension and no hope. I'm 42 and I'm worthless.

Natsku Tue 04-Oct-16 14:20:09

You need to go back to the doctor and get better counselling - ten weeks is nowhere near enough as the first two or three months of counselling makes you feel worse before you can start to feel better.

Have you considered medication?

Natsku Tue 04-Oct-16 14:20:54

Counselling should be at least a year to be effective.

WindfallenArch Tue 04-Oct-16 14:25:30

natsku I don't rule it out, but I guess the reason I am posting here is that I really do think that there is nothing wrong with my brain chemistry. So much awful stuff has happened and having spent months unemployed and being rejected over and over again and seeing no end in sight, I am, it would seem justifiably hopeless rather than clinically depressed. I have nothing and I've lost hope. That's not an illness - it's a reaction. sad

Kasparprinceofthieved Tue 04-Oct-16 14:26:56

windfallen sorry you're feeling like this. I haven't much to offer except to tell you you're not alone, I understand. I struggle to get washed and dressed too, I can't work - too unreliable due to depression and anxiety, no money ..

But please don't feel you're worthless. You're a mum which is a very hard job. Things will change .. Give them time.

Maybe go back to your gp, explain how you feel. I'm currently having counselling and it's having a similar effect on me ... I'm realizing how bad things are ... But they can't leave you like that. You need help to improve things now. Ask for more counseling. If you can possibly afford a few quid, look for a heavily subsidised counselling service rather than nhs .. My gp said they were better. Google Christian ones .. You don't have to be religious, but they tend to be subsidised I think.

In the meantime, be good to yourself. Think about what you like doing and make a little time each day to do that .. Listen to music, read, watch dvds ...? Don't put pressure in yourself to do too much .. Maybe just look at a quick wash and cleaning your teeth so you feel you've ticked that box .. The rest can wait.

Hugs flowers brew

useryourillusion Tue 04-Oct-16 14:27:49

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. Your despair screams from every line and I really do feel for you and the agony you are going through.

I can totally relate to your situation and can truthfully say there is hope for you. It seems as if you are an intelligent, self-aware person - while this very attributes can give you painful insights, they are also potential springboards to happiness, fulfilness and achievement.

The raw materials are there, is is just a process to use them positively.

Posting here and expressing yourself is a real breakthrough.

Well can I hear the sadness, the paralysing feelings you are having, but please, please try to start with a little self-care... maybe something as small as washing your face? I can't fully explain why but once you put even a little time into yourself, this positivity grows and helps you to help yourself.

Sorry if this is rambling, but please keep going, you are made of stars xx

WindfallenArch Tue 04-Oct-16 14:27:49

My life has been a catalogue of disasters and failures to take all the chances I had through fear and now its too late. I have no hope.

Natsku Tue 04-Oct-16 14:29:19

My depression is mostly a reaction to shit in my life too but meds still help me, not a great deal but enough to get me talking to my therapist so might be worth trying anyway.

Kasparprinceofthieved Tue 04-Oct-16 14:30:39

Windfallen, there is always hope, love. Do you like music? It's my saviour sometimes. If it works for you, maybe try putting some music on you like and having a cuppa. Don't pressure yourself to do anymore than that. Just enjoy the moment.

You can pm me at any time. I know how it feels. Sometimes it helps to talk.

WindfallenArch Tue 04-Oct-16 14:32:36

natsku I'm sorry to hear you've had a hard time. How did you get therapy? My counselling felt like an exercise designed to make me realise it's all my fault and its too late to fix it sad

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor Tue 04-Oct-16 14:34:56

Windfallen if you try antidepressants and you're right, you're not depressed, you can just come off them again.

If however this IS partly a depression, they may lift the corners just enough for you to see a way forward.

Worth a try, I'd say.

Get some easy snacks in. Cereal bars, porridge, cheese and crackers, smoothies? Stuff you can easily nourish yourself with. If you're running on empty physically you will also run on empty emotionally and mentally.

Natsku Tue 04-Oct-16 14:38:40

Not in the UK so its different here but I got a subsidised private therapist who does CBT and schema therapy which might be the right kind for you too.

WindfallenArch Tue 04-Oct-16 14:40:55

thank you dont. I'll try and have a shower.

I've just been rejected for yet another job after a second interview. I live in an area where there is so little work and there is nothing to apply for. I feel I cant allow myself to do anything other than to look for something that isn't there - I spend all day refreshing job pages, but I don't know what I even am aiming at. I'm too old for starter positions, on paper over qualified and cannot retrain as I already have a degree so couldn't get funding.

I'm lonely.

whycantwegoonasthree Tue 04-Oct-16 14:45:02

I think circumstances can be so shit and that a perfectly natural reaction to that is to feel depressed. ie. You may be quite right that it's a natural reaction to a catalogue of shit. But it is still a reaction that you can get help with.

And meds can help, they really can, as well as a proper amount of talking therapies. (Possibly a different one though - the one you described sounds like - well, at the very least not the right fit for you.)

It doesn't meant that there's anything inherently wrong with you - in that any or all of us may have felt the same as you after what you've been through. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help to cope with everything that's happened.

That's also a perfectly natural thing to do.

It's not your fault. And you may not be able to do anything about the circumstances but you can seek help to address your feelings and reactions to the circumstances.

It doesn't mean you're 'faulty'. It just means you've had too much to cope with and rightly need some help.

Good luck.
x

WindfallenArch Tue 04-Oct-16 14:45:03

Kasparprinceofthieved I'm sorry to hear you feel sad too. I hope you feel better soon.

I really don't think I've ever known what people mean when they say they feel 'joy'. Sometimes I don't feel despair. That's the best I ever feel.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor Tue 04-Oct-16 14:55:19

Wind maybe give yourself a break on the work front, if you can. Set aside one day a week where you check all new vacancies and apply for them.

In the meantime I think GP and getting some ADs would be a more useful use of your time. Have you tried them before?

Purplebluebird Tue 04-Oct-16 14:58:55

Oh you sound very depressed sad I think your therapist must have been rubbish, they should not make you feel worse - they should give you tools to cope when things are bad. Go back to your GP, ask for ADs (seriously, they can help) and therapy with someone else, because you didn't get along with the previous one.

I understand it's difficult with the job situation at the moment - perhaps you could find the energy to start a hobby? You would not get rejected in a hobby club smile

Crystal15 Tue 04-Oct-16 14:59:46

OP depression can be a reaction to a situation, life situation, breakdown of a marriage, death of a loved one. Depression doesn't mean you have a random mental illness. But with the right help you will find better ways to view stuff. All those things bringing you down can be changed or looked upon differently. Sometimes something can knock us so far down we can't see past it or see happiness ever again. But the future isn't set in stone, its forever changing and you can greatly influence it. Which is why depression is described as a temporary problem flowers it sounds like you may need to try CBT.

WindfallenArch Tue 04-Oct-16 15:02:43

dont I was on citralopram for a while. I didn't feel any different after a while, but I was massively aware I felt much worse for the first two weeks. Actually suicidal. I am scared to go there again for something that I couldn't perceive was later doing any good.

I feel like it would all be ok if I had a purpose and somebody, somewhere liked me. I don't feel like I need tablets - I need a chat and to contribute to something.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now